gut punch

i felt so thankful.  still do.  i can let go of not being cherished or treasured at my church.  not being sought out, missed or helped.  that has past.  but how is it that i continue to be sucker punched?
i was dropping off my kids and saw someone that i consider a good friend.  someone special.  not just an acquaintance.  i veered over by her and slid down my window.  she barely raised her hand and kept walking.  i called her son over because i had something that i needed to ask him.  but she just blazed onward.  no sweet moment.  no hug.  nothing.  and i got to thinking....the last two times i have called her, she hasn't even answered.  this from a woman that answers her phone ALL of the time.  i have sent texts to invite her or to check on her and gotten no response.  i have talked to her a bit on facebook and she answers quickly and then says goodbye.and then i realized that in all of this time the only time she has contacted me was to go see another friend with her.  she hasn't asked me over.  taken me for a meal.  brought me a meal. or showed me a bit of compassion for the difficulties of my non marriage.  but, when we are with other mutual friends, she acts like things are hunky dory.  she is going through hard times.  i get that.  though she never got it with me.  but....it hurt.  a lot.
then i went back to church to get my kids and that whole ex thing just about made me physically ill.  i almost bawled right there.  he sits in a pew.  with my kids.  who i raise day to day.  who he sees only at his convenience.  and acts like all is good.  like father of the year.  and people that i care about sit by.  and give credibility to the lie that he is promoting.  and he knows that.  and it is. so. very. incredibly.  excruciatingly. difficult.  but, i didn't lose it.  i didn't flee.  though i stood with people parting around me to go see others.  i stayed anyway.  though i was physically ill.
gathered my sweeties.  and as we are leaving, my son tells me that he made plans with his dad.  when i specifically talked with him about lunch and would he be here or did he have plans.....he was coming home.  i made beef roast AND beef ribs.  his favorite.  and he's going to lunch with his dad.  so i ordered chinese and my daughter will eat.  i have lost any appetite.
i wrote my ex over a week ago about holiday plans.  no response.  he varies with responding between sickeningly sweet and ignoring.  guess right now is ignoring.  because it gives him power.  because he thinks that i can't make plans if we don't communicate.  and if it's like last year, he'll talk to the kids before he talks to me.
he is not a good guy.  he isn't kind and generous.  he isn't the responsible, full of integrity guy that he acts like at church.  he has a great facade.  he plays it up well.  he makes me sick.  literally.
but the ex with friends.  that's going to take awhile.  and the friends that don't just say that they aren't interested anymore, but make life hard.  that's really rough.  i am tired of all of this
i want to be thankful and not knocked off of my feet.  i want to take away his power.  my church has hurt me deeply.  but i don't badmouth them to anyone.  but they really have hurt me.  a lot.
eventually....this pain will also pass.
i'll make it.  just weak with the hurt right now.