the year is in a slide to the end. it's coming fast. and i was thinking about my word of the year. it has come back over and over. a sweet refrain. fearless. fearless. fearless.
but i'm hard on myself. i keep on seeing the next goal, the next fear that i have not yet conquered.
so today, in the wee hours, i decided to do something different. i decided to reflect upon the fears that i have faced. that i have gone fearlessly towards and have now left behind.
i used to be afraid to go to church. not just not like it. afraid. because people weren't nice. i did it anyway. but...finally, i decided that i don't have anything to prove and that i can give myself permission not to subject myself to going to church with my ex anymore.
money. i was so scared. i was still hearing my ex's voice that i was going to fail. and i went forward anyway. and i'm not perfect at it. i got in a hole. nothing unfixable. but....i learned that i can spend and i can save and i can make it. i learned that god IS my provider.
i have faced visiting in awkward and generally uncomfortable situations.
i have worked. and faced the mountain of responsibility that comes with my job.
i have faced my health head on. with limited whining. ok, mostly. but with a fearless heart.
i have walked a tough journey without a whole lot of support.
i have learned to live again. that is perhaps the hardest things of all. not allowing health or work or ex or raising kids or tired or whatever...to take away from this gift of life.
i am becoming fearless. regularly.
even when i'm uncomfortable.
and i am fearless enough to say no. i don't want to. not interested. it's not worth my emotional energy. when it is what is right for me.
fearless.
feels pretty damn good.
but i'm hard on myself. i keep on seeing the next goal, the next fear that i have not yet conquered.
so today, in the wee hours, i decided to do something different. i decided to reflect upon the fears that i have faced. that i have gone fearlessly towards and have now left behind.
i used to be afraid to go to church. not just not like it. afraid. because people weren't nice. i did it anyway. but...finally, i decided that i don't have anything to prove and that i can give myself permission not to subject myself to going to church with my ex anymore.
money. i was so scared. i was still hearing my ex's voice that i was going to fail. and i went forward anyway. and i'm not perfect at it. i got in a hole. nothing unfixable. but....i learned that i can spend and i can save and i can make it. i learned that god IS my provider.
i have faced visiting in awkward and generally uncomfortable situations.
i have worked. and faced the mountain of responsibility that comes with my job.
i have faced my health head on. with limited whining. ok, mostly. but with a fearless heart.
i have walked a tough journey without a whole lot of support.
i have learned to live again. that is perhaps the hardest things of all. not allowing health or work or ex or raising kids or tired or whatever...to take away from this gift of life.
i am becoming fearless. regularly.
even when i'm uncomfortable.
and i am fearless enough to say no. i don't want to. not interested. it's not worth my emotional energy. when it is what is right for me.
fearless.
feels pretty damn good.
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