i'm blessed

though i hurt.  though so much just crushes me.  while everyone goes on.  and i am invisible.  not seen.  my tears.  my sobbing.  my barely holding it together.  and that's ok.  i don't have to be together now.  i'm in my comfy comforters.  in my jammies.  there's nobody to tell how much the things today have hurt.
my eldest son...the one that is adopted.....who told me when i got divorced that he saw exactly why and that he would be a support, who actually saw the crap and realized what was needed.....has gone completely to his dad's side.  he spends time.  tells him things.  and even asked him to babysit next saturday.  which is, according to the smirk on my youngest son's face, humorous.  and for the couple of uncovered hours, we weren't asked.  a friend was.  and my youngest made me smile when he said that it was ok because we might have a parade and now we can sleep in.  true enough.  we've had very little sleeping in lately.  so, i'll look at it that way.  and i'll be happy.  though i ache.  and i'll remember that my eldest is a master manipulator to get what he wants....as is his dad...so maybe they will suit one another.
there's nobody to say these things to.
you guys are it.
to say how hard it is to put so much of life into a church and receive so very little.
to see my ex so embraced and supported.  because he stayed.  because he's stubborn.  made it so hard.  wouldn't share opposite sundays as i asked with the kids.
i'm ready to move on from having to remember all of the whys of my choice to divorce......i mean, past reliving the hurts and emotional abuse.....but it feels like this stuff happens and i have to remind myself of why.  because nobody sees me.  only him.  nobody hears me.  his charm dilutes the truth.
i think that i have to quit writing and pull up the covers.  today turned out to be a hard day...even moreso because i didn't expect it.  i was thinking how jesus felt when judas kissed him.  a friend.  going to the other side.  i get it a little bit better.  it hurts.
i'm going to sleep.
on the up side, i got a hug.  a pity hug, but a hug.
but i couldn't spill all of the words.  couldn't say how unfair my friend was.  couldn't dump it.  couldn't just break down.  because what is hurting me is my friends.  and i just have to keep figuring out how to let it go.  i had been gone from the church thing for a month.  and going to pick up today was probably just a kick because i got out of the habit of seeing it.  it's probably not that healthy.  maybe i should just have the kids come out to the car after church and skip going in.  then i don't have to see the stuff that hurts me so very much.  then i don't have to be snubbed.  because it is getting truly old.  and for that month....i was a pretty happy camper.
i would have stayed at church if he would have manned up and left.  but he didn't.  so i have to deal with what is reality.  and he knew it would be hard for me.  knew that i would struggle.  he's not about relationships.  i am.  he knows how to use that.
always has.
so....maybe i need to just go cold turkey and never go in...except for special events for the kids.  perhaps that is right.  makes me ill.
but it also...makes me relieved.
because it's too hard being there and being all alone  nobody comes and talks to me.  it's weird.  maybe i forgot my deodorant.  don't know.  but it sure hurts.  time to change that.
and it makes me remember how much it hurts not to be missed.  to have people that i love just go on and go to church and live in that world and be completely happy with me gone.  unnoticed.  oh well.  i had let it go.  i need to keep letting it go.
blessings.