Beautiful Morning

There's snow outside today.  The car is warming up.  I am enjoying this little bit of time when my husband goes early on this day and I don't have to rush out quite so fast.  Although, I have to be careful because he always stops back by and I can get "caught".  It's a little bit strange how he leaves and comes back.  Often I feel like he's checking up on me.  Funny for the  guy who is usually gone for at least 12 hours a day.  Not including his various weekly activities.  But, I've long since gotten used to the fact that the standard is different.  If he is gone, I cook for my kids.  If I am gone, they cook and plan for him.  Hmm.  Guess maybe I raised them better than I've been thinking.  They know I buy food.  They know where it is.  They know to eat it.  AND, they know how to cook up something tasty.  However last time I was gone they told me that he left them a note because he left in the morning telling them to clean teh house. Funny.  They were having a party that night and were going to clean the house because they wanted to. 
But this morning is gorgeous.  I wish there was a friend to go have coffee with.  Wish that it was easier to reach out.  But, these days, it has been kind of hard.  I feel needy and so I tend to be really careful.  I don't want to suffocate the other people in my life.  Although, I do at times.  When we do things, it feels so good to just breathe.  To be with people who love me for me.  What a blessing it is.  Perhaps pain is good in that it makes me see good more clearly.  It makes me more appreciative of what I have.  It gives my perspective a boost in the right direction.  Sometimes I even think that if I have such great friends I surely can't be as awful as he makes me feel. 
Why is he so belittling?  Why does he put on a nice face to make things better and then always go right back to the other?  I keep on asking why why why.  But none of the answers are satisfying.  Maybe it is because my deepest fear is that I am the whole and total cause.  Maybe he is the perfect man and I have simply not done this well.  Feelings of failure and total despair threaten at times.  Though, not this morning.  This mornig, I am pretty certain that perhaps we just did something quickly and without enough forethought. But if I had thought more, I wouldn't have these kids.  So, do I regreat our fast marriage?  No.  But I regreat that I couldn't be the person that would make him happy.  I wasn't from the very beginning.  And it is not getting better.  I am tired of hiding away to cry.  Of not having someone to give ME compassion.  He always turns what I need into something else, cries, tries to make ME COMFORT HIM.  But I won't be drawn in anymore.  I have withdrawn that way. 
I want to be kind.  I want to be mature.  I honestly believe that two adults should be able to look at something and realize it just doesn't work.  The problem being, too much time has passed.  I have said everything in every way I know how.  I used to write to him.  No more.  It allows a person too deeply into my heart.  But he has never been willing to step back and see that we needed to do this in a better way.  Because I am also a committed person.  I am willing to go the whole way.  But not with a team mate who will only use me.  I am not willing to settle for something that looks good to others.  I wanted the real deal.  I fought for the real deal.  I worked for the real deal.  The true marriage.  Not just in looks, but in heart and spirit.  It does not exist here.  For him, it's alla bout looks.  All about the rules.  If you stay then you've accomplished the goal.  If you simply stay but don't learn nor grow, you become stagnant and the relationship dies.  As has happened. 
I hurt for him.  I don't know that he is even capable of understanding that.  As incredibly smart as he is, this maybe evades him.  Or, maybe not, maybe he just chooses to do what has always worked.  Bully me back into my place.  The other night he started in on a financial deal that he had been throwing out there each evening.  Finally I said, I said I would do it.  I need help to get some things done on the computer.  Why do you keep badgering me about it? He didn't speak to me for the rest of the evening. Closed the bedroom door and went to bed....I guess.  Actually probably was watching tv.  And then, the next morning he was all "goodbye,dear."  The word dear makes me kind of ill now.  Seriously, please quit calling me dear when I am not dear to you......I know it's just a habit, but it gives me the willies.
So, how can I call this a beautiful morning with all of the crap in life?  Because God's faithfulness was new for me today.  And enough.  And right here, where I am, there is enough love to keep me.  No matter what.  He is big enough.  Loving enough.  And He gets it.  He sees me even if nobody else does.  He always has.  He brought me through all of my life that was much harder than this.  This is difficult, but I am a grown up and I know that the bottom line is that I have choices.  I didn't used to have them as a child.  I am not alone.  I am cared for.  Provided for.  He knows my name.