The Heart of the Matter

My heart has been cheated on.  Used.  Abused.  The love I gave was trifled with.  The whole self that I went into this commitment with was taken forgranted and completely left out to dry.  When moments come where there is a decision between his comfort, happiness and mine, he always chooses him.  But, right now he is in the mode he uses to convince me that I'm at fault.  He makes some kind gestures.  Speaks more kindly...kind of, but actually, it's just kind of creepy.  Because what I hav learned after 20 years is that as soon as he gets what he wants...as in sex or the house picked up or whatever....he simply relegates me to unimportant.  Very early on I told him that his behavior made me feel like a prostitute.  Like he pays me with being nice.  He especially likes to do it in front of other people.  Because doing that assures that everyone can tell me how good he is.  Then, when he isn't the same way to me, he cries and blames me that he is not who he should be.  It has nearly driven me crazy.  I just can't spend time with him now.  Though there is this charming, funny guy, he hurts me.  Deeply and profoundly. 
But I am so alone in this.  I know that God sees and gets it.  But I just can't even tell my gal friends how it is to live here.  It scares me that they'll tell me how crazy I am.....how perfect he is.  You know, it's a hard place to be when I'm beaten down by a person that I really have loved....and do love, but in a different way now.  Now it has entered a self preservation mode.  I love him, but I realize that living in the type of giving relationship I was in was sucking me dry.  He doesn't input.  It's funny how he gives to so many.  Looks so marvelous, but if I ask for something, he puts it right out of mind.  How he'll apologize to others, but an apology to me takes a knock down drag out fight and his blaming me and finally breaking down and bawling what an awful man he is and he shouldn't have ever been born blah blah blah...... Yeah, I know....yes, I did buy it for an awful lot of years.  Manipulation. 
But when I am hurting, in pain, whatever, there is no comfort.  It's more like "if you exercise more", or "buck up."  There is no reciprocation.  If I want something, I get to barter for it.  And I'm tired of being used as currency.  It was always if I went out with the girls and he stayed with the kids, then I was expected to perform when I got home...no matter what time.  Life revolves around him when I try to love him well.  And not in a good way.  In an unhealthy, insidious way.  Like being drained out and he only puts in what he wants to get back out for HIM.  He doesn't give to our kids either.  Words of kindness.  Encouragement.  Love.  I can say that in a last ditch effort because the other things haven't worked, he is actually coming out of his room in the morning to say good bye to them.  He knows that my heart is best reached through the children. 
It's sad that I wanted so much for him with them.  To relate.  To see them.  To treasure them.  I don't think he is capable.  He only sees what is lacking.  So, he tries to do the things that he thinks are good, but they come from a list, not from a heart of being completely enamored with them.  And it shows.  Glaringly.  He wants to simply do it and be done with it...not be changed by it and by them.  It's just another way to use someone.  To get what he wants out of life.  He is missing so very much.  It makes me sick to my stomach.  Because I always think that I should make it better.  But I've tried.  So much.  So long.  And it gets worse, not better.  Worse as the kids become not kids.  As they fly, he doesn't know what to do when he's not the center.  When being with them isn't about him and games or something that he can control.  When their lives takeon their own life.
I wish that I could have made it work.  But right now, all I really wish is that he would fade away.  Go away.  I keep hoping that he will get transferred with his work.  I hope he gets a big old raise and goes.  And, you are wrong....not because I want the money.  Because I want him to go live with all that money and see how it feels his need.  But, sadly, I think it will.  Or would.  If we separated, I wouldn't ask for maintenance or child support.  I would ask that he send each child $400 a month until they are thirty.  A check written directly to them.  And he may not ask what they do with it.  Ha.  No way.  He has to control their money too.  But, he can't anymore.  So, he instead belittles them when they spend some.  When they make purchases, he makes them feel small.  Like they made a bad decision.  Just another hole in the fabric of relationship. 
So, I wait and pray.  Hope.  Grow.  Breathe.  Rest.  Ask for help from friends sometimes.  But, frankly, it seems I'll mostly be walking this road alone.  Because I don't think that I have to tell everyone about the shortcomings or how he works or how hurtful he has been.  I don't feel like making them hate him.  Well, some days it's all I can do not to say, "but he's such a jackass, don't you know that he just does that to look good?"  But, thus far, the temptation has not come to fruition.  In some ways it would feel better.  In other ways, it would make me feel like less.  Like I am having to justify or something like that.  Honestly, the friends I am interested in having in the future will be there whether they get it or not.  I have lost the need to have everyone like me.  Ok, not really, but a little more than before.  Being likes is nice, but not at the cost of my personal walk, not when it requires giving up my own being to satisfy the rest of the world.
The heart of the matter is that there is no foundation of mutual trust and selflessness.  If I behave selflessly then he sucks it all up.  And, I totally don't know whether there has been or is someone else.  He never answers.  Maybe he thinks that I'd care.  But, I really don't anymore.