Several year ago, I asked my husband to leave. This came after years of his being bitter and unkind. He was taking out monetary losses on his family. He completely annihilated me. Told me how low that was. How he would never do such a thing. How he wasn't my father. I told him that at least my father didn't stay around and make people miserable to make himself feel better. But, looking even further back, I remember the times that I would get out of the car because I couldn't stand his badgering. Every conversation is like a competition. And, I would walk. He would always act like nothing had happened. Or the times when he willfully would hurt me and that he thought that it was funny. I remember being hit with a whiffle ball when I was very pregnant. He threw it hard. It left a large welt. Apparently that was hysterical. When I see him with our kids I see how he looks right in so many ways. Plays ball. Or board games. But, he isn't able to share with them that he loves them. I've always done that for him. He doesn't interact and communicate with them. He competes with them. Even with me. It has never been the both of us giving them attention, it has been me trying to give EVERYONE attention. When they were babies he felt like his needs came first. I never got a backrub or time off without sex being absolutely expected. And I was very compliant. I tried to be interested. Tried to keep up the energy when I was exhausted from having 5 kids in 6 years. Tried to cook the meals. Clean the house. Tried to be what I was "SUPPOSED" to be. And the trying wore me out. And I determined to be content with what was. Over and over through the years. Even now. This is what is....need to learn to be content.
Ahead, I see a different life. I simply can't live like this anymore. I am in desperate need of peace, but also of the ability to have an adventure. to be free to breathe even when money or life isn't easy. To trust God. To not have every burden, real or imagined, laid at my doorstep. And that's how it is at our house. He especially likes to wait until late at night to lay the worries of the world on me. but, if I try to talk to him about anything, he simply goes to sleep. Or walks away to take care of a project. And it hurts. But not anymore. Because now I have given in to the fact that he doesn't really have the capacity to care. So, in the future, I plan to live differently. I don't know how he fits into it.
But, I still have to live today. And that's painful at best. Because it means waiting. It means having to tell him that I can't do this. It means facing that I have failed. And the failing is absolutely horrible. Today would have been my grandpa's birthday. I miss him. A Godly man. But practical. Kind. I miss his love that held on even when I was disappointing. Because right now I feel like I'm disappointing the world. And I won't tell them what the whole problem is. Really, what is the point in loading people down with a bunch of painful stuff? But there are moments when people think I can't possibly know how hurtful their lives are and I want to shout that I do.
Remember those years ago when I asked him to leave? Well, I came back from a trip and decided to give it one more go. As things would happen, some friends suffered an incredibly painful divorce. And, for a time, he exhibited some things that were amazing. He took care of my friend. He was kind. But, even in the midst of this...he blamed me for several things. And, the worst moment of all was when he promised absolutely not to leave me alone where the estranged husband was going to be at church with us. And, after a verbal altercation, he left me anyway. Without saying anything. Without telling me I should leave. I remember thinking how I trusted him and how he covered his own butt and left me. I let everyone think that he was the hero because he had verbally told the guy to leave me alone. But how I felt left alone. And after that, he apologized to the people for having defended me. And something died. Again. Over and over. Piece by piece. Like gangrene. Finally, what might of been only exists as a distant memory. And I look forward to a life when my kids are grown and I am free to choose.
But, some moments, my heart breaks. I know that I might lose the respect of those I care about the most. I am afraid that they will leave me in their disappointment in me. I am steeling myself to allow them to do so without resorting to belittling him. And that is going to be mind blowingly difficult.
But I am going to LIVE. Really live. Life goes by too quickly to simply exist and keep your head down and try not to make any waves. I want to makes waves. In a good way. I want to laugh. Without feeling guilty. At our house, he has to approve or lead out in the humor or apparently it is not funny. I'm tired of that life.
I am tired of life being all about what is accomplished. About behaving "right". Not about growing. Not about grace. I am being sucked dry.
But will anyone in the world understand? Probably not.
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