Man Card

Ok, so seriously, I think that they give out man cards too easily.  I mean, isn't a man supposed to have certain qualities?  Like being strong....at least some of the time....emotionally as well as physically?  And, isn't he supposed to have a sense of pride in his family?  Guess it's all wishing.  All fairy tale and no substance.  But, what woman doesn't want someone to say that it's going to be alright...because he is going to make it so by sacrificing and caring and doing what it takes?  I mean, what were the fairy tales based on?  Dreams?  Hopes?  Or,  is there something else?  I'm not really sure.  But, I have lived with a man who will not make a decision by himself.  I used to think it was nice.  Until I realized that not making a decision means making sure that someone else can take the blame.  That's what it is...isn't a man supposed to be "the buck stops here" one in the family?  The protector...of hearts as well as from monsters and imagined intruders?  About five years ago God led me to see that I can't be mother and father.  That if my husband does not take his role and do it, then it isn't done...even by me.  I can fill in on logistical things, but I can never meet the emotional and spiritual needs that my kids have for a father.  But, He reassured me that it was ok.  That He not only COULD, but that He WOULD and that He would do so willingly.  A huge weight lifted at that point. 
My husband had gone to a men's retreat where they said that spiritual training really was usually and best done by moms.  Which, was, I believe, part of the lesson.  It's true.  It's not all about a dad being the spiritual teacher.  But, my husband never again tried.  Used it as an excuse.  Doesn't pray with our kids, nor with me.  Never taught them about their bible or gave them one to read.  He has never exhibited how to make a decision based on God's word.  Not once.  Based on knowledge, yes.  But, I have come to realize that wisdom goes so much further than knowledge when combined with faith.  What looks impossible and maybe even foolish is sometimes the very best course of action.  Losing a job can be the biggest blessing ever.  No way.  Not to my husband.  Nope.  I feel sad for what he has missed out on.  The faith walk he could have had while raising a family.  Although he has always been provided for....albeit sometimes at the last moment or in ways that were difficult, he still chooses constant worry.  Incessant.  And I can't live with it.  It eats at me.  Robs my sleep.  And as I think of my ideals about the "man card", I realize that in this very area I wish that he would have shouldered some of those burdens over the years.  Instead, he has always dumped them on me.  Too bad for him.  Too bad for the kids.  Too bad for me.  But, I guess shouting, "man up!" won't change anything, so I will try to be kind.  Try to be compassionate.  Try to realized that we each do the best we can.