Lovable

I often wonder why it is so easy for some people to be lovable and so hard for others.  I want to be lovable.  I'd like to think that I could be.  But, it always feels like I'm one of those ones that people just think is a little odd.  I am.  You don't know me, but I'm.....different.  I can't even say how.  I just know that I am.  And no matter how much I try to resolve it, I always wish that it were different.  That I were different.  I don't mean to be obnoxious.  Somehow, I think I missed out on some of the lessons of how to be lovable.  They should have taught it in school.  Given lessons.  Homework.  Because, at the very base, in my marriage I can't forgive myself because I don't blame him for behaving as if he's doing me a favor.  I mean, he is, right?  Staying.  Not going out drinking.  Going to work.
But, while I'm not one of those people that feels lovable, I am beginning to see that we are all lovable.  I know exactly why I am drawn to the hurting kids.....I know how much they need love.  I know how much I need it.  And, I have been well taught by a person that God has brought into my life, that it IS possible.  That just how I am can be enough.  Can be ok.  Even when I'm not a way that everyone seems to wish I was.  Having that friend has helped me.  Without that friendship, I would be totally lost at this point.  I probably would not have survived.  Literally.  Long ago I wondered why God brought such a friend.  An amazing person.  One of the lovable people.  But  somehow He has used her as His hands and heart.  To show me what it looks like.  Strangely, it's not always easy to tell her.  Telling her the deepest things isn't even necessary.  She would be stunned to read this....I think....although, she knows my heart.  She sees me when I forget who I am.  It is her presence that God has used to show me that perhaps I am worth it.  Even if I have nothing to give.  Even when I'm just a blubbering mess.  And one day....when the time is right....when she doesn't have enough of her own heartache, I will try to tell her.  But how can I....she is his friend too.  If you have any friends that are friends of you both, you know what I mean.  You simply can't know which way things will go if the marriage is severed.  But I know that she taught me how to BE loved.  And that how I show love is acceptable too.  Makes me cry.  Because it makes me think that perhaps I'm worth it after all.  Maybe I've just been trying so hard to conform in my marriage to FORCE something to happen when it shouldn't be that hard.  Maybe I shouldn't have to give up what I am to be loved?  Novel idea.  Truly.  Never once has been a part of my marriage.  But, if God sent someone who can see me and be happy with me and laugh and forgive and show compassion.....then, maybe I am one of the lovable ones?  I frowned as I wrote that.  Almost deleted it.  Can't possibly be true.  Or.......maybe I have just gotten used to not being because I listen to the wrong people.  It's a thought.  I'm not sure I buy it.