How to Grow

I have been thinking a lot about how easy it is to grow stagnant.  To not live to fulfill the things with God has planned for me.  And how easy it is to fall into the habit by allowing someone into your life who makes you feel as if you are not worthy....so easy to then become complacent.  To quit trying.  To simply exist.
But, this weekend I am away for the weekend with one of my man cubs for a university look/see.  Tonight I am all alone.  In a hotel.  Quiet.  I can't even tell you how long it has been since this has happened.
I bought one of those little bitty bottles of wine.  Brie cheese.  Yummy crackers....and swiss rolls. Ha, I know, incongruous.  That's how I am.  But buying the wine was a big step because though it has been hard to admit and difficult to even think about, a year ago I was having to drink a glass or two of wine just in order to stand being around my husband.  And to be able to engage in the sexual activities he was expecting.  And it was what I did to cope.  Still don't really like alcohol.  Haven't had any in months.....but, I had learned to enjoy a glass of wine now and then, but then it was like I needed it to relax around him.  At all.  And he said that was good.  Looking back, I wonder why I didn't realize how selfish that was on his part.  To want to leave the making me comfortable to alcohol instead of being the man that I could trust.
So, tonight I drank a little bitty bottle...well, am in process, probably won't finish it.  Simply to remind myself that some things are mine to enjoy.  That I don't have to do it to relax to face something horrible.
And that's growth.  Learning that I can make my own choices.  Become who I need to be.  Believe what I do.  Think how I do.  That it's not up to me to make someone else like it.
I am so passed being willing to do so.  But it's hard.  But, here I am in a quiet place.  In one of my favorite places in the world.  When I come here, I come home...and I'm not from here.  It's amazing.  Glad to be here.  Getting here was a fight.  He was passive aggressive.  He made it seem wrong.  But, it's beautiful.  It's a blessing.  It's a gift.  And I am going to enjoy it without guilt.
I hope that you are growing.  Or at least trying to seek the sun again.  Even if you can't see the growth yet.