Having Faith

I don't know the answers to so many questions.  Sometimes I think that I just simply not as faithful as others.  But that doesn't make sense to me because I believe and have faith in things that are so hard to believe in.  I believe that God provides.  That He takes care.  That He knows me.  I have faith that He has a plan.  But somewhere, my faith in my marriage, indeed, in my husband, died.
Sadly, I told him it was happening.  I begged him to go for awhile and figure out what he wanted.  To take a breather, time away so that I would not wind up completely alienated from him.  So that resentment wouldn't crop up.  But, he refused.  And nothing changed.  Same old rut.  Same old arguments.  Same old pain.  And so, I withdrew from the battle.  Took my ammunition and threw it away.  Said that I wouldn't do it anymore.  And, for eight months, have only been backed into a corner a few times.  They leave me trembling and upset and ready to call it quits....strangely, it energizes him.  Makes him feel hopeful?  Warped.
Today I heard a love song and I didn't cringe.  I am glad I married.  Glad I had kids.  but, I do not want to spend 40 more years like this.  And I don't want someone to give him a list of things to do to make things better.  Not interested.  Wanted the real deal.  I feel like I was worth loving.  Though, mostly, I doubt it.  But then I think....I've done some really amazing things.  And, I've survived all of this......and I'm not mean and bitter.  Maybe that's why he thinks I will give in.  Because I refuse to just be mean.
I care about who I am becoming.  Who I will serve.  So I will grow and learn.  But, I will not give up.