He Came Home

So he came home.  And says he is taking the kids to school tomorrow.  Because someone else told him so.  And is sure that I am wrong about whether I'm working.  And whether I am available.  Though I made a fool out of myself in order to do it myself.  Made me have to talk to him.  The thing I was dreading.  It gives him and "in".  It gives him a way to show me how important he is to others in my life.  And I know it's true.  And I know that it's ok.  Rationally.  But some days it's harder to be rational.  Some days I just want to throw a temper tantrum and have my way.  Some days I just want to tell him to go get his own friends.  And some days I just want to tell everyone that I am taking a sabbatical from trying to walk this narrow line.  This place that I know is important but that is so very hard.  To learn to be a woman of honor even if others think that what I am doing is dishonorable.  To live with integrity and allowing things to be ok for him too.  I just don't know if I can do it.  It's like being a grape that is being squeezed......perhaps I'll become wine?  Or whine.
Man...who knew that growing up was going to be so hard?  I thought that those days had past.  But this is just as hard...if not harder.
Because now of all times, he is putting himself out there with one of our kids.  He is doing things he has never done.  And while I absolutely know that it is to show me something....I wish it could just be for the kid.
It has been a rough night.  Perhaps some sleep is in order.
grace to you.

I Walk Alone

I am loved.  And cared for.  And I know the greatest people.  But in some places, I simply have to walk alone.  There is no way to explain how traumatized I am at this point in my life.  How living through the "discovery" process is like using a cheese grater on my soul.  How talking about him in congenial ways and as if everything is fine hurts.  There's no way to explain to people how hard it is that he has to still be included in my life because he is included in theirs.....when all I crave is for him to get further away.  The rub is having friends that are common friends.  I keep wondering if I'd feel better if we were already separated...if then it would traumatize me less to have to cross and make plans together because I would get my own choices.  For all of our marriage, if he does something for me, he expects something in return.
So, here I sit.  A heap.  Nearly in tears.  With no good reason.  Well, no good reason that  I can explain to anyone.  How do I explain that I need the distance.  That I am so tender that it's like having a broken toe....every little step aches.
And how do I say that for me, healing is meaning going through hell.  I plan to keep on walking...not going to live here.  But it is intense.  It is scary.  It is hurtful.  And remembering and putting things together is not pretty or happy.  The good part is going "aha".  The bad part is feeling stupid.  Used.  Abused.  And every time I have to coordinate with him, it kills a piece of me.  Because he lords it over me.  Makes me ill.  He has never co-parented.  He does what he is asked...with great "let me see if I can arrange my busy schedule"....but he has never planned to take care of anyone but him.  
aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When will it pass, I wonder??
I know that I don't walk alone in all areas, but there is that area that is so deep, so consuming.........that nobody else will ever want to go there.  And I will never ask them to.  Because I want him to still have friends.
But a part of me wishes for those who are mine alone.  There are none.  Ah...there are those threatening tears.  How horrible.  I've shared everything with him for all of this time and I now have none that are just mine.  He took away those from my young adult days.  We never had the time or money to go see them when we went back to visit.....only his family and friends.  What a jerk.  I am tired.  I am hurt.  I am sad.
grace to you.

Good Times

Sat and had dinner with my two youngest children tonight.  Their father has not been home at dinner time.....in what? Months?  A year?  It's so rare that we're stunned if he shows up.  Tonight we were going to have goulash.  I had made extra sauce last week and put it in the freezer.  However....welll.......somehow, what we found was chili sauce for stacked enchiladas.  We laughed and ate noodles with butter and spices.  We had a really good time at dinner relaxing and enjoying one another.  They make me smile.
There are those moments of pure, relaxed, treasured joy.
But, then I hear other things that stress me....get a text or have to try to plan with the husband.  Hard for me.  Nobody else gets how it's hard for me to do so.  How he uses every little thing he does like "look at what I did...".  Blech.  So, got that text and now I feel less relaxed and happy.
Still home with my kids, but somehow now he has intruded.  And it steals my peace.  My breathing changes.  My muscles tense and my heart beats faster.  I hate that.
I told someone today that I was getting separated when she was quizzing me about my husband.  Talking about his job.  How glad I must be that he's still there.  It was hard, but I just can't keep up this facade.  Has to end.  Even if he doesn't want it to.
I need more peaceful good times.
grace to you.

I Believe

I believe:
that i  have value.  not more than others.  but equal.  unique.
that life is full of twists and turns and that each one can bring good.
that i am called to live fully.  to seek truth.
that i am loved.  though sometimes unlovable.  though imperfect.  loved.  beloved.
that i am full of purpose.  that my life has meaning.
that i was created. not an accident.  not a mishap.  a plan.  a poem.  a song. a work of art.
that hope is my choice.  that love is my gift.  that joy is my lot in life.
that holding on is good.  but that letting go is sometimes necessary.
that i get to choose.  that i was given the ability and right to do so.  and the wisdom.
that getting away is a necessity.  to clear the heart and mind.  to "reset".
that my life affects many.  both for good....and bad.
that i deserve forgiveness.
that i must forgive in order to live.
that being falsely kind is not a gift.
that i make a difference in ways that i don't even see and am not aware of.
that the things that i fail to do are as impactful as the things which i do.
that i am not defined by what others think of me.  though i am lifted up or wounded....never defined.
that i am uniquely gifted.  though i often have trouble seeing how.
that what i see is not the whole picture.
that i can change a day with a smile.  a kind word.
that a plan is just a maybe...that life is what actually happens.  and that if i get those confused then i've missed the point.
that there are those who were put here to help to cheer me on and give me the courage to become what i was meant to be.
that i have creative abilities that are more than i've ever experienced.
that this day is the most important day of my life.  because this is the only day that i can change anything.
that all of these things are true for you too.  that you are here for a purpose.
grace to you.  and....blessings

The Fatigue

Anyone who thinks that the greatest tiring activity is running or bicycling or mountain climbing is sorely mistaken. The most tiring thing in the world is to deal with a bunch of emotional garbage.  Sifting through feelings and events to create order.  Shoveling out the crap and cleaning out a life so that it is fit to live in again.
It wears me down.  And yet....it has that good feeling that comes from really hard work.  Though it looks like I'm doing nothing.  I have a sense of accomplishment.  I am proud of myself.  Even when it looks like I'm just sleeping.  Learning to rest is huge for me.  Learning to take the time to simply think.  Or give myself a break because I am so worn out.  To pull the covers over my head when nobody is around and sleep.  Much better than pretending.  I am learning to free myself.  To let others help me to free myself.
The fatigue is huge.  But I am healing.  And it's worth it.
grace to you.

Facebook Official

I changed my facebook profile to say "separated" instead of married.  I guess that it doesn't matter that much since I keep it locked and I'm the only one that sees it displayed.  But....still......it mattered to me.  It felt good and freeing.  Like a weight lifted.  Like I was unbound a bit.
Kathy Silveira Escobar spoke at a Women's Conference a couple of years ago about grave clothes.  How we are called forth from the "grave" to live.  Yet, we are still wearing our grave clothes.  She talked about the pain and help it takes to remove those grave clothes.  I have been on that very journey.
Today I will read and rest and work as I choose.  I will not worry nor fret.  I don't need to.  I will look at house rentals.  I will work on writing a really good parenting plan.  Our kids deserve more than the standard fill in the lines.
I've really been "separated" for over a year and a half.  Not in the same room.  Not moving in the same circles.  Not spending our lives together.  But he views it as married.  It meets the letter of the law, I guess.  But, living with someone does not make you married.  It doesn't even make you friends.  I've been separated for a long time.  Yet, I need more separate.  I need to breathe.
It's facebook official.  Now I need to make it legally official.
grace to you.

Abuser

Well, working my way through the book, "Should I Stay or Should I Go", by Lundy Bancroft.  It's such a moment of relief and of mourning to read the chapter about the abuser.  It's the first book that doesn't deal with mostly physical abuse and then add emotional abuse as an almost afterthought.  It deals with the mind and workings of a person who abuses.
I am beginning to see how I got where I am today.  How my needs are put aside.  That there is never enough money if I want something, but he always is able to choose what he wants to do.  I'm seeing how he views "right and wrong".  I am learning.  And it's a lot to carry....and at the same time, very freeing.
I am not keeping the book at home to read per the advice of the counselor.  She felt that it could be dangerous.  That it might set him off.  I need to read more to figure out how to deal with the pending paperwork.  It says that if you identify your spouse as the abusive type then you should follow certain steps...I haven't gotten that far in the book yet because I'm reading it at someone else's house.  Which is ok.  A little at a time is enough.  It's a lot to think on.  Pray on.  Mull over.
The whole sex part in the book is fascinating to me.  The idea that I shouldn't have to feel constantly guilty or as if I have to do anything he wants.  That I shouldn't be forced or convinced to do things that I'm uncomfortable with or that hurt me.  I still hurt from some things that happened.  There are times that I shake just thinking about those moments.  Walked in my room the other day and pictured the bed different places.  Bad memories.  And I tried so very hard.  I was desperate to be a good wife.  I wanted to make a happy life for our family.  But I can't say that I have been happy for a very long time.  I can't say that it was even on his radar to think that I should be.  And I convinced myself that it was part of the christian lifestyle of serving and putting others above myself.  But, this is not it.
He is an abuser.  Not a wife beater.  Not a child molester.  But nevertheless, he has harmed me much.  He has hurt me with words and attitudes.  He has caused me to question who I am and what I am worth.  He has hurt more than helped.  He scoffed at my dreams.  He didn't help me to promote my business though it was in his power to do so.  And I covered for him.  Perpetuating his lies.
But he looks so good all around.  Sings in the choir.  Teaches Sunday School.
But still there's this part of me that thinks.....maybe I am just not good enough for him to care about.  And it hurts.
But then I remember my friends.  And I'm not perfect with them.  But they are so nice to me.  They let me struggle. They actually hear me.  They listen and interact.  They don't expect things from me if they give me their time or attention.  And my friends are my barometer of what healthy can look like.  You can say yes OR no.  You can give AND take.  You can say when something hurts you.  You can forgive.  You can mess up.  They can mess up.  You can laugh.  You can be confused.  You can be ignorant.  You just know that they'll be there.  It's such a blessing.  A huge blessing.  A gift.  And I've never had that in my marriage.  But I know this.....I offered it.  I tried to make it so.  I remember when he told me that it would be good if I just talked to my girlfriends about stuff that he didn't like to rehash....like things that were bothering me or that I was wondering about the kids and such.  And I remember how sex was always expected if he acted nicely towards me.  And I remember that any affection was the precursor.  No affection just to be kind.
Yep, it's all coming together.  And it doesn't make it all better, because frankly, the whole thing sucks.  BUT, it does allow me to choose a new life.  A real life.  Based on genuine relationships.  I kinda wonder how it will look.  I wonder if I'll end up aloneish in the world when my kids are grown.  Don't have siblings.  Whatever it is, this I am certain....being alone or on my own is better than living in this mess.  I'm not particularly afraid.  It will all work out.  I've never been left.  I've always been carried.  The One who made me has never left me.  Though.....I must admit, this last year, I've been a little terrified that this would cause Him to turn His back on me.
Abuser.  Hard word to say.  But that is what the behaviors merit.  I won't throw it at him.  I will just know it.  And choose something new.
grace to you.

Went to Church

I've gone to church three weeks in a row.  I didn't miss unless I was sick for at least a quarter of a century.  But now, just the act of going is so hard.  I was shaking today...got to the row by my friend and there wasn't room.  Ended up sitting right in front of him.  I was trembly and I was scared and I was not exactly peaceful, but I was VICTORIOUS!  I did it.  I went.  I survived.  I allow Jesus to love me.
Going out with friends today.  He has asked me three times "so, you might be going out?"  "No, I AM going out."  And he prays that he's glad we are all together at lunch.  I couldn't exactly agree in prayer.  And he walks away after lunch and doesn't help.  I make it.  I clean it up and put it away.  He is mad because I don't serve him, point him out, that I focus on the kids.  But that is how it is for now.
But I went to church.  I was very brave.  This week was really hard for some reason.  I nearly walked out like I have so many times before.  But, instead, I stepped up.  I did it.
You know....he's really not very nice to me.  Not at all.  What have I been thinking?
grace to you.

Some People Will Blame My Friends

My husband.  Some people around the church.  Or in the community.  They are going to blame my friends that I want a divorce.  Some of them have gotten divorced.  Some are unhappily married.  Some are happily married.  But, people will falsely believe that I was empowered by my friends to get a divorce.  What's interesting is that it could be construed as their "fault"...but not for the reason people would think.
My friends treat me with respect.  With kindness.  They work to get to know me.  They let me know them.  They work with me and I with them through the hard times.  They forgive me.  And I them.  They laugh with me. Cry with me.  Trust me.  Allow me dignity.  I feel....equal..... with my friends.  And, over the years, the disparity in how my husband treats me and how people who are "simply" friends treat me has become great.  I notice more and more.  My husband can't ever stop and listen to me.  He twists what I say.  He makes everything I say about him.  I don't exist in his mind.  He doesn't want me.  He wants what I can give him.  From stability to sex.  Success.  Pride.
Anyway...it bothers me that others will point fingers.  But, the counselor told me to keep my eye on truth.  Don't be swayed.  I'm learning.
grace to you.

Yesterday Was Good

Yesterday I got up determined not to be a "burden" to my friends.  I decided that for that one day, I could figure out what to do and how to be without intruding.  I took my son to coach basketball.  I met a friend for coffee.  When I had just arrived there, my daughter texted an SOS that she was needing to be saved from the house.  My other friend went and rescued her for me.  I picked up my son from basketball.  Delivered him home.  Went out to put gas in the car and pick up my daughter.  But, my friend asked me to do some painting for her.  You have to understand...my friend is very kind to me.  I didn't know how to answer.  I was willing to help her, but on the other hand, I didn't want her to be asking because she felt like she had to offer me a haven.  She sensed my hesitancy and thought that I didn't want to help her....I was embarrassed to explain, but kinda did.  She said that she really needed me to paint.  I began after we ran to the store to get a new can of paint.  Then, she had to go to a meeting and I decided to go home to use my computer for a bit and then run to the store.  I wanted to buy a Lundy Bancroft book.  Went to Target....we have no bookstores left in our town.  I know, seriously?  My book wasn't there.  So, I thought about it and decided to drive the twenty minutes to a nearby town that has a nice big bookstore with sitting areas and even a coffee shop.  I went.  It was...exhilarating.  It felt so good.  Oh, and before that, I did a little thrift shopping.  Twas quite a nice afternoon, evening.  After my couple of hours at the bookstore, I called my friend to see if she had gone home yet...didn't want to mess up her evening time with her family  She wasn't there yet, so I went to finish painting. She brought pizza and shared it with me as well.  I brought wine in little bitty bottles to share.  She saved hers for another time.  We all watched tons of White Collar and finally I went home.  I'm not sure that I kept my commitment.  But it felt different.  Because I felt like I could make it if I had to.  That I was not dependent.  That I had choices.  That she did not have to "rescue" me.  That feels a lot better.  I am not a victim.  I am a strong woman.  I can do things.  But I am not REQUIRED to be strong all of the time.
grace to you.

Tongue Tied

He acts as if nothing is wrong.  We haven't talked in weeks.  Today he's asking about business and about my part and how it is going.  I want to say "this isn't working for me...this false life, this pretense, this fake making everything ok..." but the words don't come out.  I'm getting ready to take one son out.  One is sleeping.  Daughter is just a room away.  I don't want to traumatize.  I don't want to cause more pain.  I want him to learn to hear what I've said and to take steps to do what I need.  But it has never been that way.  I always have to be the doer.  The move forward person.  I am the front line.  And make no mistake...he will leave me there to be the one who gets shot down.  And, he'll join me if it's successful.  Talking about how it he's glad we did that....aaaaarrrrggggghhhh.
But, the pretense buys something.  Not for me.  But for the household.  Money is easier than it will be, that I do know.  And, the kids don't have to carry  the burden of going back and forth.  I get that.  But, this morning, I felt as if I was going to spontaneously combust.  "Would you like coffee dear?"  "Stop!!!!! It's not ok.  Pretending to be nice doesn't make it all good again.  It doesn't change the hurts or the pain.  And it certainly doesn't honor the time I've asked for to heal."  It crushes me.  Shuts me down.  Makes me hurt more.  Because he simply won't hear me.  He will only do what he thinks is good or what he thinks is right.  Always true to his own pride.  His own self.  To him, love is doing what makes someone feel obligated to love you.  Not sure how to explain it better than that.  It doesn't have to do with the other.  It has to do with how he views himself.  I'm tired of being part of his equation.  His looking successful.  Because it's a LIE.
But the words tumble in my brain.  Looking for the kindest, best way to say them.  He will twist them.  He will make me feel guilty.  But, I don't have to.  I have to live my life actively not simply responsively.
grace to you.

This Is The Day

God made this day.  He gave it to me as a gift.  A special present.  All wrapped up with blessings and smiles and wonderful happenings.  And, I had to make a choice.  I had to choose to open this gift.  To get out of my covers. To stand up.  To get going.  To take in a breath though it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest.  I had to show up and receive all of the good that He wanted to give me today.  Some days, just the basics seem like way too much.  It seems too hard to keep up with the rest of the world.  It seems too much to think about anymore than the hovering, sucking, lousyness of my marriage.  But, that one relationship in this world does not define me. And my failing in that does not make me a failure.
This day was full of things to do.  Full of things to be.  And, I did some very well.  And others, I completely messed up.  Lately, I am not at my best at reading things.  It's my usual gift, but right now, I am weary and worn and simply miss the cues.  But...that's ok.  It's just where I am.  I have to keep my heart open for the amazing things that come. The love and smiles.  The forgiveness and kindness.  I have to allow myself room to heal. And healing includes pain.  Learning to walk again is never an easy task....but knowing that you CAN walk again, is a most wonderful gift.
So, this is the day I was given today.  I made the most of it that I could.  And I kept my commitment to work at least three sub days a week though I awoke this morning with dread and a sense of wanting to check out for a few days. I'm glad that I did it. Glad that I set a goal.  I need to make a minimum amount of money each month.  And I have to be the mom.  I have to be....the GROWN UP!!!
I will let go of trying to feel right and I will just accept that sometimes I am going to feel lousy and have to keep going.  Other times, I will give myself time to moan and groan and hide away.  Pity parties are useful.....if not over attended. Lately, each day feels so hard.
But, then I remember.  THIS is the day that I am given to live.  I don't want to miss out on the miracles and beauty that were created just for me. THIS is the day I get.  So....this is the day I'm going to live and enjoy.
grace to you.

Everybody's Fine

I keep looking at the abuse stuff.  Feels like what has been done to me shouldn't be classified that way.  I always want everyone to be fine.  I want to see the good side.  I want things to be ok.  I want....but what I want isn't always true.  And acting isn't my forte.  It harms my heart.  It makes me feel.......ill.  Because I know to the depth of my bones what is true.  And though I know how it gets "classified", I just WANT for everything to be fine.  I want for all to be well.  But to make it well for real, I have to take some steps.  And I KNOW that...and yet, it's hard.  I don't like hurting him.  That's how it has always been.  For years.  Covering.  Helping.  Encouraging.  Making it better.  Because that is who I like being.  But, a time for change has come.  And he has to make it without using me as his scapegoat.  Without me being the one to blame.  Because everybody isn't fine.  I am NOT fine.  Life like this takes a toll.  It hurts.  I want to enjoy my days.  I want to treasure, not dread the time.
And I count.  I have discounted how I feel...how I function...what I need....who I am....for far too long.  It's hard to change it.  I used to say it.  Used to fight for it.  Until it became hopeless.  Then, eventually, I didn't even think that I deserved it anymore.  The road back is hard.  He lays guilt on me.  Tells me I'm selfish.  But the truth is that he has spent years being all about him.  He is still all about him.  He's committed alright: to his own pride.
Here's to getting healthy.  Getting better.  Healing.  Breathing.  Here's to the truth.  To really being fine.  Truthfully.  Gloriously.  Abundantly.  I like the good. I want to live there.
grace to you.

Frozen

Gosh.  How is it that doing so little can be so BIG?  How can it be that taking steps can be so painful?  I am having a rough night.  Been watching shows.  Vegging.  Checked out.  It's like donating blood.  Drained.  Weak.  Oh goodness.  How do I get past it?  And how do I get out?   I know that it would be easier to file on my own.  But I want to talk to the kids.  I want to know what they want in the parenting plan.  I want to do it as well as possible with my husband.  Though I don't want to stay together.  I want to know that I did the best that I could.
That I tried well.
For me.  For who I am.  For who I will become.  I will take the time and pain now so that in the future I will know and love the woman I become.
grace to you.

Hidden

I put away the papers.  I have the paperwork from the safe shelter still in my purse.  The separation papers in a drawer.  I am living in a hidden world.  I'm not sure how to come out of this place.  How to face the hard things. How to talk it out when we can't talk about anything.  I think maybe I could just make him copies  and let him look it over.  Let me know what he thinks.  But...even that seems like too much. 

I think that doing the papers was really good.  And yet...now I'm so stressed.  I'm beginning to understand that the reason is that I have to try to reason with someone who won't reason with me about anything.  I don't want to battle.  So, here I am.  Holed up.  Closed down.  Troubled.

My body is cold. Yet, I am proud of what I got done.  Still though....it's like every step has a price. Evenso, there are parts that are better.

Though I'm tired, weary, troubled.....I can finally see that there's hope for a life that I don't have to live like this all of the time.  That seems very very good.  

I'll just let myself rest for now.  Wish I had a handmaid to bring me food and beverage.  Need junk food.  

grace to you.

Print

Ok, printed all of my documents.  Yep.  I did it.  Now I need to go get them off of the printer tray and fill them out.  No sweat, right?

Fast forward a couple of hours.  Doing very well.  Hard to make a parenting plan for teenagers.  I want to write: as needed.  But, I have to put numbers that add up to 365.  It's difficult, but it'll get figured out.
Actually, doing the filling out is very freeing.  Very helpful to my "breathing".
The little things will fit together.  I know that they will.  It feels so huge.  But a little at a time, it's possible.
grace to you.

The Contest

Magnify.  Minimalize.  Compete.  Fair.  Those are words that I was thinking of today when I was trying to work through the person that is my husband.
Magnify.  If he does something, he desires, expects, demands recognition, thank yous, kudos, appreciation.  He makes it a big deal.  And.....when he does stuff at home, it is with the attitude of "look what I've done for you."  Or, "look what I've done that you SHOULD have done."  And...."look how I do it so much better."  This has been an issue since our earliest days.  From before children.  Always trying to show me up.  Does (or at least used to) more things so that he not only looks good, but looks better......than me.
Minimalize.  However, if anyone else does anything, it's not as noteworthy.  It's to be expected.  It wasn't done well enough.  It wasn't what he would have done.d If you save money from your birthday money and spend some money, he will simply make you feel badly for spending any on yourself.  Hurts me regarding our children.  Again...he can always do it better.  He always works harder.  He doesn't understand why they don't get it.....this was when our kids were elementary schoolers and I had to tell him that it took him to be in his thirties to understand the things he was expecting.  He said they should learn from him telling them.
Compete.  All of life is a competition.  He appears very engaged and active with our kids to onlookers.  Upon closer inspection, most of what he does with them is compete.  I mean, who should get so much satisfaction at beating kids at games?  And, one night, after a concert, he told them they could have dairy queen...then put the disclaimer that they could only have it if they beat him at a game on the way home.  They predicted and counted cars.  They lost.  No dairy queen.  They asked me yesterday if I would take them because they never got it.  When our son was four and learning to play checkers, he would beat him over and over and didn't understand why he didn't want to play anymore.  I had to show him how to turn the board  around when it got "lopsided"....he didn't like the idea that our son wasn't learning to lose.  He likes to WIN.  All of the time.  Everything is a competition or a battle.
His world of fair is if he has the most or as much as anyone else.  That he was put first.  That he was made important.   Can't stand to have others have more.  Food.  Drink.  Whatever.  It truly makes me feel like I'm dealing with a preschooler.  If I get someone in the family some clothes, he has to comment what he doesn't have.  It's always about him.  And fair is only if he feels superior.
But, I've been thinking about "abuse"....it's still hard for me to label his bizarre behavior as abusive.  Nonetheless, I am willing to be done no matter what it's called.  Because it is not healthy or fulfilling nor an abundant life.  And it never changes.
Life is not a contest.  It's a journey.  A trip.  And it takes all kinds of encouragers and coaches to get through. But not many critics.  I'm tired of living with the critic.
grace to you.

That'll Be Fine

Really?  Did this just happen?  I am lying down.  Watching a little netflix.  Getting ready to go to sleep.  Husband walks up.  Asks if I have a job tomorrow.  I reply yes.  He says, "that'll be fine."  Like, do I need permission to work?  Or what could it possibly mean?  Irritating.  To say the least.
I am much wiser than I used to be.  I don't take it to heart.  But, it does give me a reality check.  A moment to stop and thin, "how was I that blind?"  How did I possibly think that was ok?  Seriously????  No way is it ok.  Healthy relationships are much more equitable.  It's not doing me a favor if he does something around the house or does something with the kids.  And, it's not up to him to approve or disapprove my actions or whether I work.
That'll be fine.  Sure.  Whatever.
Actually...it will be.  Because I decided to do it.  Because I want to do it.  Because it's somewhere that is a good place to be.  And.....for pete's sake...doesn't he get that it doesn't have anything to do with him?
Everything revolves around him in his vision.  It's too bad.  How lonley a life it must be.
grace to you.

Burn, Baby Burn

Ok, remember that offending lingerie?  Those pieces that were hanging in my closet?  They are now ash.  Literally.  Talk about a release.  A good feeling.  Tossed them in the fire place.  They kinda made me shudder.   Amazing how touching them can bring back memories.  Pains.  Pretty intense.  And I did it.  With a friend sitting by.  It rather amused me.  Freeing.  Letting go.
It actually made me think how good it would feel to let go of different things.  Not a bad idea.  Good plan.  Not in a destructive way.  Simply a...purging.  There are things that are just too hurtful.
I won't burn pictures.  I won't get rid of our history.  I will learn to allow it to be a part of my story.  To remember that ALL that has been a part of my life is part of what has made me the woman I am.  And the painful times....the painful people....they have a place.  But they donBurning...'t need to stay in my present.
Well, I might burn a few pictures.  But not all.  I'll put some away until I can cope.  I'll put some up to let my kids know that it's ok.  But not quite yet.
Too bad I can't do the same with my internal hurts...turn them to ash.
Burning is satisfying.  Purifying.  Those pieces of lingerie are gone for good.  Forever and ever.  This is a very good thing.  Brings me hope.
grace to you.

a quick plan while at the store

• ok....went to walgreens. got my own mind back in my head. at least for a minute.
• here's my plan of action.
• i am going to focus on going foward. not what was. not what might be. just doing some things.
• i am going to celebrate each little step and know that while i look like a mess....i am not always going to be a mess.
• this is temporary.
• i'm going to find grandma's death certificiate
• go to boulder county and have house changed from the trust into my name....
• i was always supposed to put it in both our names he thought but i refrained..procrastinated.
• i'm going to fill out the paperwork and when i get $230 file it....with or without him.
• i'm going to get the help i need. i'm going to do the things that are really hard for me. because being hard doesn't mean impossible.
• i'm going to allow people to have their say, their time or grief.....their opinions. and i'm going to still live my life as i need to do at this point in my story.
• i'm going to be less needy as i can be. but not falsely so.
• i'm going to plan for the future. business wise. social wise. emotional wise. spirtiual wise.
• wise being the key term.
• i'm going to start. and no matter how small the step is that i take, i'm going to know that it's still a step.
  grace to you.
  p.s.
  I am also going to throw away my lingerie.  and....when i can, change my relationship status on facebook.
  seeing the lingerie hanging in the closet today....looking as if it had been recently moved, kinda freaked me out.

Jello

I feel like jello today.  Wobbly.  Weak.  Squishy.  But...colorful?;)
The weekend emotional stuff wore me out...again.
But, here it is:  today is the counseling appt.  I am terrified.  I can't even begin to say how much.  Goes totally against my comfort zone.  I'm scared.  Yet, determined.
So, jello or not, I am moving forward in my life.  Knowing that others don't understand.  Knowing that I feel like a total failure.
But, though I FEEL like jello and a failure....I'm neither.  I am strong.  I am able.  I get to make choices.
Off to life...
grace to you.

Coming Clean

I have a friend.  A dear, sweet, kind friend.  Who loves well.  Who does good.  I told her today that I have said that I want a separation.  She is so sad.  So hurt.  So....wanting me to keep trying, to not give up to give more to be sure to remember my commitment to God.  To make it work.  I get what she was saying.  I cried pretty hard.  She had no idea why, I'm sure.  But it's because those things are the things that I have told myself for years and now I have to tell myself something else.
But I need to let her mourn.  I need to let her remain his friend too.  I need to let go.  And keep walking.

And find a place to take a nap today.
grace to you.

Ignored

Ignored is good in some ways.  . I had 26 hours of peace.  Of healing, calming, breathing time.  Then I came home.  Can tell he's....irritated?  I didn't tell him that I was staying away.  He is pretty much ignoring me.  I hope that holds up for the rest of the night.  But, I have my purse and keys.  Phone right here.  Back to same old, same old.  But...the difference is...I have plans.  I have hope.  Facing the giant is scarier than running away, but it's more healing to get through it.  Can only spend some time hunkered down.  Can't hide from life forever.
I had a blessed day.  A gift.  Time that can tide me over.  Like and infusion of oxygen.  I am thankful.
And I am antsy.  Nervous.  Troubled.  But I am strong.  I will figure it out.  I am cared for.  I am important.  Even when I'm needy.
grace to you.
p.s.  never mind.  one could only hope.

Quiet

Here I am at my friend's house.  It's nearly nine in the morning and blissfully still.  Amazing.  My tapping of keys is the only noise in the house.  I am swaddled under a massive down comforter and my eyes are actually sleepy. Usually, by now, I would have to be up and about and mostly, I would be headed to the store or some other "errand" in order to avoid the Saturday stress of  husband home.  I am blessed this morning.
Yet, the stress of knowing that I am going to have to get up and go on with the day still sits here with me.  It changes my breathing from peaceful to ragged.  I know it.  And in knowing, I can learn to change it back.
How many times I have thought of just renting a place or a hotel room just so that I'm not in anyone's way and I am not stuck.  I'm tired of driving or sitting in my car or walking stores when I don't want to be.
It's funny to me that as much as I'm happy that I called the Safe Shelter, nobody in positions of counseling/authority, will give advice.  For me, at least I have my friends.  Some people have nobody.  I always am envious of those with mamas to talk to.  But I am the envy of many...because I DO have people who care.  Who will be my voice if needed.  Who stand by me.  It's not exactly the same as the mama bear feeling.....but it is HUGE.
Ok.  Life is going to begin any minute.  Jesus, help me. I am stressed.  Know I have to get up.  Know I have to get going.  But the "hiding out" has been a gift.  Has been good.  It will have to be enough.
grace to you.

The Warrior is a Child - Twila Paris (Orig. 1984 Version)

from Exceptional Living on facebook

Sometimes

Sometimes running away for just awhile is better than staying and becoming completely overwhelmed.  So, tonight, I am having a sleepover.  A different couch.  Which, amazingly, I will probably sleep much better on.  Not because it's more or less comfy, but because I had an evening to have my heart and mind let down just a little without having to put the guard back up.  I hope to sleep.  And then, I hope to be strong enough to be able to go on and not be such a taker.  I know...I KNOW...it's ok.  But, it's very hard because I can't predict when I'll feel better.  When I'll be less pathetic.  I just know that I will be.  Because no matter what I may look like to those looking at me today...I am strong.  I am full of courage.  I am able to get back up again.  It's just that sometimes I get too weary and I need a break.  I need down time.  Furlough for the soldier.  Or the missionary.  A time out of the fight.  A time to let my soul just be at rest.  Without worrying who will come in.  Or what will be expected.  Or how I will have to be amazed that he can still act like nothing has happened.
Sometimes, I just have to let others do....and I have to revel in the moments when I am strong again.
I think that I will try to sleep.  It's hard to shut my brain down.  The second guessing game is not healthy.  I think that it is much of what is wearing on me right now.  I still want to make it all ok for him.  To excuse.  But, not really.  Really, I want to live in truth.  The break from living with how it has always been to living how it should be is painful.  There is grief.  And joy.  And shame for feeling joy.  It's a crazy emotional tumble.  But, it's also movement.  It's not stagnant.  And I don't want to go back.  I want to see it through.  I have to see it through.
There are those moments in the absolute silence when I wonder if anyone will be left standing with me when it's all said and done.  But mostly, I just count my blessings in having fellow soldiers with me in the now.  No sense worrying about tomorrow...today has kicked my butt well enough.  That's what I love about life, though.....I get to keep growing.  Keep learning.  Some days weak.  Some strong.  But always beloved.  I am learning that.....ALWAYS.  amazing.
grace to you.

Oh My Gosh

I found the Safe Shelter today....not an easy task, actually.  Then, I took a very deep breath and said a prayer and walked in the front door....and nobody was there.  And the inside door was a keypad.  Locked.  Had a doorbell.  But, looking in the window, nobody was there.  So, feeling more down than I imagined I could...I walked to my car.  Downcast.  Heart heavy.
But, I googled the number and called them.  I could barely speak.  Literally.  Eventually I said something that perhaps made sense...and she recommended a book to read.  And made me a counseling appointment.  Giving my last name was hard.  So many people know it because of what my husband does in the community.  That was tough.  But....done.  I'm not very good at saying what exactly the problem is.  A million little things?  Nothing?  I don't understand how it is that life could be so completely not what I expected.  But it is.  And I must get through it.
My personality does not do this very well.  I told the woman at the Safe Shelter that I would be better at writing it.....
Now I want to crash somewhere else tonight.  But I guess that I'll have to wait for a few weeks until I go to Oregon.  Somehow I have to suck this up and not hurt others around me.  But I'm kinda a mess right now.  Need blankies.  Need tlc.  Instead gotta get ready for when he'll arrive home.  I've done nothing around the house today.  Have so much on my mind that I want to do.  I did almost take down his bed.  I just don't want to cause our home to be more of a battle ground.  I don't want to injure my sweet kids.  I'm just so tired.  So sad.  So....feeling stupid.  And all the while, knowing that I'm not.  Knowing that it will pass.  That I have to walk through this.  It's a part of the journey, but it's not forever.  I got online and found the forms.  Didn't print them here at home.  Didn't want my kids to see.  Thought that I should tell them first.  Off on Monday.  Have counseling appt. on Monday.
I am courageous.  Even if I feel like jell-o today.  I am kind.  Even if it feels like I'm being mean to him.  I am full of hope.  Even if I feel like a hopeless case today.  They are just feelings I know.  I just need help.  I just need someone to stand here with me.  I'm tired.
grace to you.
grace to you.

That Which I Must

There is that which I must do in my life which I just don't have the strength or energy to do.  I feel like someone who has been in a horrible car crash and everyone is saying, "quick, you have to get yourself to a hospital."  I have paperwork to fill out with nobody sitting by for me to bounce ideas off of. I have words that I have to say to someone who doesn't hear me anyway.  And nobody but me will be the one to have to say it.  I have wounds that need attention and the only way it feels like I'm going to get any help is to walk myself the distance to the hospital.  And crying about it doesn't help.  Well, maybe a little bit.  I am pathetic today.  I feel all alone and like I have used up the time and kindness of others.  I mean, really.....you can only be pathetic for so long.  They have their own lives.  Own hurts.  Own glories.  And it is sssoooo hard for me to get out the words when I am really hurting.  I can sit quietly and soak up the comfort.  But, I can't just spill it most of the time.  If I'm just mad, maybe.  But right now I am so wounded.  And when I told him that, he threw it back in my face.  That I was wounding him.  Which, I agree....I am.  But I can't keep doing this.  I need him out.  But I can't force him out until I file.  I don't get paid until the end of the month.  It's all so absolutely insane.  I wish that there was a way to say what I need and actually get it.  But it hasn't been true in twenty years, and it's not true now.  I can't even get him to quit with the dear calling....though I tell him over and over how it cuts me.  It's a power struggle.  I don't want the next years of my children's lives to simply be a power struggle.
And what I don't say to anyone.....I think I'll just file for divorce.  I'm not going to jump through hoops and go through the drama twice.  I'm done.  I know it.  I can't even rest in my home when he's NOT here.  Because I know he's coming back.  So, I get very few times of rest.  And I am undone.  I am weary.  And I can't keep mooching off of friends for sanity.  They're nice, but bottom line...it's not their problem.  And they have their own.  So, here I am.  Weeping alone.  Hardly able to see the stupid screen.  Knowing I have to get kids.  Have to get my crap together.  The weekend is here.  And I am stuck.  And I'm too embarrassed to go anywhere else this weekend.
I hurt.  And I got no family to run to. Well...my kids....but no grown up family.  I love my kids.  I manage to uncurl and stand up every day because I adore them.  But I need a life that is free from so much stress.  Eating lousy.  Tired.  It's days like this that I think, "mom, why did you have to go?"
grace to you.

Residue

Today is his men's early morning Bible Study.  He leaves early.  But, sometimes he swings home between that and work.  So, I conveniently stay busy until it's a "safe" time.  I know that it shouldn't matter.  But it does.  I'm still shaking right now hoping that I waited long enough.  Sometimes it runs over.  Then he shows up later.  I can't handle being caught alone with him in the house right now.  Too much trauma.  Too much drama.  Too much fear.
He is calling me "dear" more than ever.  I've said my words.  I've explained how hurtful.  But if he only says three words to me in a day...one WILL  be dear.  Maybe it seems stupid.  But it is just another way that I feel as if I don't matter.  That he will do what he wants because he can.
I think that he needs to move out.  A tax refund could provide the money for him to have a place.  I think that he thinks that how it is now is enough separation.  It's not.  It's like rubbing sandpaper on a wound every day.  It doesn't heal very well.
What to do when someone won't hear you.  Won't choose to honor what you need.  One thing is for sure.  It isn't love.  It's ownership.  It's winning.  I want to "set it up" so that he doesn't have his competitive nature kick in and have to win.  I want to speak amicably.  I want to be the woman I know that I can be.  But, I have to figure out how to keep her strong enough so that she can be brave AND kind.  I don't want to incite.  I don't want to provoke.  But no matter what I say or how I say it, he behaves as if that is what I'm doing.  I never get a chance to be the one that is hurting and needing tlc.  If I'm hurting, he's hurting more.  And, usually, I'm the cause of it.
The residue of too many years has caused a waxy build up.  It's going to take special care and lots of elbow grease to take off the coverings of the past so that I can shine as the woman I am supposed to be.  In some ways I just want to run far away.  But that wouldn't take it off either.  I have to face this. I have to face whatever he throws.  And I have to do it knowing that now it is not going to cause more build up but rather, it is going to help remove it.  Because I am aware.  Because I can make a different choice.  I made what I thought was the right choice all of those years.  But now it's a new time and I need to make new choices.  Choices that include people who really hear and see.  Who trust and love.  Who allow me to give to them and understand what I'm giving and who I am.  I have spent too long pretending.  Too long accepting things.  Too long trying to be content in all circumstances.  Sometimes, it's foolish to accept circumstances that you can change.  If you own two houses, one in a swamp and one on a mountain, you have to CHOOSE which one to live in.  I have to choose what life to live.  Each day is new.  Each moment.  I am not trapped (though, often I feel that way right now).  I am not a victim.  And the residue is just that.....something that occurred before but that doesn't have to be permanent.  I know just the Guy for the removal process.  And He has been kind enough to send along a few helpers.  I have to do work too.  I have to allow it.  Even when it hurts.  I have to listen to the helpers and participate.  But I don't have to do it all by myself.
Got residue?  Seek the Remover.
grace to you.

Comfort and Relaxation

A sleep aid can help turn a restless night into a calmer night.  But, taken over a period of time, it causes a sense of lethargy.  It's like it builds up in the system.  So, while the night's sleep is better, the getting up gets harder.  On the other hand, finding ways to be comforted and relax help to sleep better and infuse energy.  Don't get me wrong...I'm not against sleep aids.  I'm just learning that there are other ways to learn to relax too.  Sometimes just having someone around that I know "gets" it and is willing to simply sit with me, helps.  It's like pulling a plug and letting the water out of the tub......all of the stress drains away, leaving me feeling stronger and more relaxed.  It always amazes me how the simplest things bring comfort.
Tonight I vegged in front of the tv with a friend.  It was relaxing and comforting.  No need for stress.  No having to pretend or keep up appearances.  Simple relaxation.  It feeds my hurting heart good, nourishing stuff.  It bolsters my courage.  It helps me to relax so that sleep will come more easily.  So, I am blessed.  By small yet incredibly meaningful, healing things.  I want to always take the time to notice and be thankful for them.  Because they bring me so much hope.
grace to you.

What Love Looks Like

Thanks...or no thanks....to both Hollywood AND the church, I think that people have a skewed idea of what love really looks like.  Yes, you heard me...AND the church.  Love in Hollywood is free and light and full of sex and really has no meaning.  Love in the church (marital kind of love) is totally self sacrificing and without boundaries.  No.  Not all Hollywood movies portray love in the fast and loose fashion.  No.  Not all churches portray love as commitment without boundaries.  Yet....it's so prevalent.  And for women, I think that it messes with our hearts and minds.  Wanting to feel the sexy, amazing freedom.  Wanting to be the committed, be there through anything.  We want to do it all right. I want to do it all right.  Which is good.  If I have the correct view of what love looks like.
Love is not simply sex.  Nor is it based only on hormones and what feels good.  It is also not simply commitment to stick with it no matter what.  Love IS  sacrifice.  It is giving.  It does show compassion.  But, it does not allow, condone nor encourage the one who is loved to abuse the lover.  In any way.  Love has boundaries.  God has boundaries.  And...God is love.  He said so.  And He puts boundaries in place to protect our bodies, minds and hearts.  He knows that we are not like Him.  We don't understand everything.  Yet, we are like Him in our ability to love and to desire love.
Love looks strong.  One who loves doesn't do it just out of need.  And doesn't do it because they owe it.  They love with purpose.  With kindness.  With their minds AND hearts.  And love does question.  It does evaluate.  And sometimes, the most loving answer is no.  Sometimes love looks like walking away.  Or allowing consequences to occur.  Or exiting a scenario where someone is hurting us because actually, it is hurting them to be that way as well.  It's saying that a behavior has been too much for too long.  Love stands up.  Stands firm.
Love looks like truth, happiness, pain and joy all wrapped up.  It looks like those in the world who are brave enough, strong enough.....to say "I will go no further."  And it also looks like those who walk together forever.  It's beautiful.  It's never forced.  But it is a force.
It has taken me a long time to realize that love photographs much differently than I was lead to believe.  And that sometimes the most loving, most kind thing to say is "no.  it's too much.  it's too bad.  it's not ok."
Sometimes, love does the hardest things.
grace to you.

I get it.

When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.
Winnie the Pooh
The House at Pooh Corner

Step by Step

I take a step each day.  I am still learning to speak more openly.  To celebrate my little victories.  I am learning to keep walking.  Even when I am not feeling like it.  Because, much like when I take a hike up a mountain, at first it is burdensome.  It's hard to get going.  But, as I labor and keep going, step by step, the trip becomes an adventure and the scenery becomes beautiful.  As I walk through this emotional journey step by step, life gets more beautiful as I speak truth and learn to walk in a healthy way.  God loves me.  And step by step I am learning that He is not going to leave me.  When I started this blog, I thought that if I put it all out there and was completely honest about how life is that one of two things would happen in my life with Him.  Either I would be told to suck it up and make it work or I would be abandoned.  Never in my wildest thinking did I imagine that God Himself would journey with me to this place in life.  That He would strengthen me by His spirit.  That He would hold me close and comfort me.  I am........amazed.  Because step by step, I am learning how big He is.  And how light He wants to make my load.  

I haven't completed the journey.  I'm still walking.  As long as I'm breathing, that will be true.  But as I take each step, I am growing in confidence.  I am growing in strength.  I am growing in the ability to once again decide and take responsibility for my own life.  

I am finally able to manage knowing that some people are going to be very unhappy with me for saying that I want to be separated.  Some will be downright angry.  But, that's ok.  I don't have to please them.  They can love me or not.  And I am learning, step by step, that each kind of relationship will help me to grow into the woman I really want to be.  

Step by step.  Some days my feet get tired and I'm thirsty and feeling whiny.  But that's ok.  I have a Daddy's lap to retreat to.  And He is willing to carry me on up the trail after we rest for awhile.  I don't walk alone.  And I don't have to worry about what will come.  He has it.  He gets it.  He knew before I knew.  And, He wept for my pain when I was still thinking that I had to perform to please Him.  

grace to you.

One Down

I made it through a night.  I sat in the tv room with the kids.  Watched a favorite show.  He came home.  He sat "above" us in the kitchen at the bar.  I shuddered occasionally, but I made it.  How?  Well.....frankly, I was picturing how life was going to be soon enough.  My bedroom.  My bed.  My place to be.  A safe place.  Picturing my dog.  Silly things really.  But they made me breathe a little calmer.  Not perfectly.  But, progress is good.  I thought about how nice it would be to do the things around my house that I wanted to do.  Setting up.  Enjoying.
I don't understand parts about the woman I've become.  There are things I don't like much.  And I want to change those things.  I do not want to ever again be unaware of giving away my very self.  But if I tell him that he tells me that I'm supposed to belong to him.  That I'm supposed to do that.
I was remembering tonight the first time we went skiing together.  Not long after we married.  My missionary aunt and uncle (who had married us) were in town and we headed up the hill.  It was my husband's first day.  He took a half day lesson and then hit the slopes with the rest of us.  He is very athletic. He was doing fine.  Better than the average first timer.  I was skiing with him.  We would go from one flat stopping place to the next.  Meeting up.  But, my uncle took me aside and asked me to ski with my aunt and give them guy time....and said that it might be hard on my husband's ego that I could ski and he was just learning.  So, I skied the rest of the afternoon happily after kissing my husband and saying bye.  He seemed fine.  He acted as if it was a good idea.  And then.  I know, right?  There's always an "and then" in my life....and then later I got the hurt feelings, how could I have left him, basically he was angry but showing it by making me feel badly for having skied. I struggled.  I hadn't done anything to hurt.  But, I apologized.  I tried to see it from his point of view.  He hadn't been left alone.  He had had a fun time.  But....the fact that I had a fun time without him wasn't acceptable.  Somehow, it tickled somewhere in my brain that it was strange.  Now, I know why.
It's why I can't wait to be on my own.  For all of the scary hard things that will come with it.  I just need to breathe!  And unclench. And wiggle my toes.  ;)  I have to stop living in this constant dread and stress.
I was brave tonight.  Soon, I will plan the time to talk further about what separation looks like.  Where?  How long?  I know that I have to do it....that's how he is.  Make me choose, decide or lead....then be irritated or disappointed or angry or hurt.....and the bottom line is that it will have to be my fault.  I get that.  I've even figured out how to tell the kids if he wants to do it together.  I will tell them that it is my decision.  That I've asked for it.  I won't let him PUT it on me.  I will take the responsibility.  Because it is mine to take.  And my kids might hurt.  They might be angry, sad and hurt.  But they will love me.  They will try to understand.  Because we have a relationship.
One night down until the day.
Oh, and today I thought.....a tax return could be a deposit on a home for him.  Big enough for the kids to stay.   Bottom line, that's important to me.  I will never give him the opportunity to say that I kept the kids from him.  Or tried to make them bitter.  I won't do it.  But he will have to figure out how to build a relationship.  I can't do that for him.
Guess I better rest.  Another work day tomorrow.
grace to you.

Information. Learning.

The passive aggressive objectifies the object of their desire. You are to be used as a means to an end. Your only value is to feed his/her own emotional needs. You are not seen as a person with feelings and needs but as an extension of him/her. They care for you the way they care for a favorite chair. You are there for their comfort and pleasure and are of use as long as you fill their needs.

This quote from about.com gave me the shakes.  I was reading a divorce support section.  Just familiarizing myself with the differences of legal separation and divorce.  Then, there was a link to  a section about domestic abuse.  And, while I still have a really hard time saying it.....I clicked.  And I read about violent abuse.  Then came the section on non-violent abuse.  Then....there was the section entitled "passive aggressive"....I clicked again.  I told him on Sunday that he's passive aggressive.  He acts nice.  Friendly.  Like everything is all ok.  When it's not.  I've told him before....it's not like I can't see that your behavior is showing that you are angry though your words might not be that.  But then, on the second page, I came to that quote and it said what I've been trying to say to him.  What I've been trying to put into words for so very long.  I feed him.  He acts as if that is love.  But...it's not.  It hurts.  

So, that's my find of the night.  And it nearly made me physically ill.  It really isn't fun to find that you have been involved and hopeful and that it's all just kind of not real.  How sad.

Of course, it was probably good that I read it.  Because I keep thinking....maybe this is all just my fault.  Maybe I'm too hard to live with.  Maybe he would like me more and do better if........

I know....I KNOW, but it's so hard to just say it.  

grace to you.

Ready. Set. Go.

It took me a long time to get ready.   To know what I needed to do.  I guess that I'm a little bit slow in some ways.  But, not on all things.  I take the fact that I promised something very seriously.  My husband always accuses me of not doing so.  He doesn't know what it takes to push me to the point of taking back my words.  Of changing my mind.  Of choosing a different direction than the one I thought was for the rest of my life.  And the simple fact that he doesn't know that.....is sad.  And indicative of the fact that he has had no interest in getting to know me.
I told him that it's sad that he doesn't even know me well enough to see that I was disappearing.  That I was ceasing to be who I was...and am.  He cares who I am in relation to how it affects him.  I have spent way too many years living with someone who simply has no interest in me....only in me as I pertain to him.
So, it took me a long time to get ready to face the real truth.
And now, it's taking me some time to get "set".  I have to be wise.  I have kids to consider.  Their lives.  Their activities.  How they relate to their father.  The needs they have.  I have money to consider.  I need to make a budget.  I need to see what it will take to make two households work.  If he is moving out then there needs to be enough for a deposit and first month's rent.  That's simply realistic.  Not like he's going to live on the street.  There's all of the "stuff" to deal with.  Who will take what?  There's a lot to figure out regarding what will be appropriate.  Like....I am thinking that sometimes crossing at other's homes should be ok.  I would like to be able to do so because of our kids.  (though it might be hard on me.)  I want to address things openly.  However, I can totally see that it can become simply a battle.  I don't like to battle.  That's why I have to get "set".  I have to put my priorities in my heart and mind.  That way, when we deal with the issues, I will already know what is really important to me and what is not.
Go.  There is going to come a time when I am finally set and it's time to move.  No race would be very exciting  if the participants only got ready and set.....it's the GO that is exciting.  The go is what shows what has gone on in the heart and mind beforehand.  It is the whole point.  And I am drawing nearer to that point.  I know that there will be a time when God will speak.  When I will know.  Just as He let me know what I could do this last Sunday and how to do it and where to do it....the timing will be perfect.  And I will be able.  I don't plan on staying at the starting line.  I also don't plan on "jumping the gun."  I plan on being wise.  Being as prepared as I can be in every aspect possible.  I don't think that I can get totally emotionally strong....but, strong enough for the next step.  For taking off from the starting line.
I'll face the hurdles when the time comes....for now, I'm just focusing on getting set in a good position so that I can take off and do my best.
grace to you.

Read it. Learn it. Say it Aloud.

http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page3.htm

This link has a lot of good....but really deep and kinda painful....stuff.
  I read it.  It cuts me to the heart.  I don't think that I could ever look at him and say "you are an abuser."  And yet....it all fits.  Has for years.  Took me so long to get it.  I remember when I first felt nutso.  When I realized that I never knew which direction things would go.  NOW I get it.  NOW I see it in retrospect.  THEN, I was just so...confused.  Hurt.  But then he'd be nicer and I'd think that it was me....on and on and on and on.  Flash forward TWENTY years.  Seriously???Am I slow or what?
I have asked for a divorce before.  I have been aware for a long time that something was way off...but I just couldn't put my finger on it.  Would have been easier if he'd have decked me.  Then I could point to my black eye and look at him and say "get out"....you hurt me and that is wrong.  And he couldn't rationalize it away.
As it is, it's like trying to pick up dry sand in a sieve.  You just can't hold onto it.  I think I get it and then....it's like the merry go round speeds up or changes and I can't figure it out.  Some people live on a roller coaster.  And, sometimes it's like that.  But moreso, it's like round and round and round.  I used to tell him it was like a rut in a road and we aren't getting out of it.  But he didn't want out of it.  Now I get it.  The rut helped him to get what he wanted.
Is it wrong to be so cheerful thinking about having him gone?  It brightens my mood and lightens my load.
It's just a feeling.  And it's a true feeling.
grace to you.

STOP CALLING ME DEAR

Once and for all.  STOP.  aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!! YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY.
Ok, I feel much better now.  Today he has stalked my facebook, called me twice.  Texted me three times.  And now he's calling me dear and pretending nothing happened.......aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh!!!!
Mercy.
Don't worry.  I know I'm NOT crazy.  I just totally don't get it.
Going to go to sleep.
grace to you.

I Have A Dream

Appropriate thought for the day, I'm thinking. ;)  I really do have a dream.  I dream of a day when my mind and body relax.  Where I'm not constantly stressed feeling.  Where I have a sense of peace.  I dream of a day when I can walk into my home and not want to walk right back out again.  I dream of a time when my phone will ring and my head won't start to pound thinking that it's him.  I dream of a day when my stomach won't be in knots.  And nights that I will sleep through the night.  I have a dream of making a difference in the world by taking the chance and moving forward to actually help my dreams come true.  Of allowing this pain in my life to be helpful to others.  To change me.  To help me remember who I want to be....and who I DON'T want to be.
I want to grow.  And love.  And care.  I have a dream of living and working in a way that honors who I was made to be.  Mostly, I just dream of a time where I'm not constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It's like I am conditioned to know that it's coming.  The scary part is how he can be so freaky nice seeming.  Oh, and I also dream of a day when this tic in my eye stops.  It has begun recently.  Where my energy returns.  Where I can be at rest in my own home.
And that day is coming.  It's going to take time.  But, it's coming.  Soon and very soon.....
grace to you.

Stalking

Well, when you take away someone's power, they look for another way to have power.  He's stalking my facebook.  I have a post about going to the Dominican Republic for 9 months...it's a thing that women are posting to raise awareness of breast cancer.  It's a silly game.  He called all snitty...."you didn't tell me that you are going to the Dominican Republic".  Seriously?  It's crazy.
But, I do know that he is feeling powerless suddenly.  I'm sure that he is exhibiting a natural response.  And, I'm sure that he'll get through it.
I've spent the afternoon going through the layers of paperwork for separation.  Yikes.  It's a lot.
Good news...about 1100 expected in child support.  Another 300 in maintenance.  Or more.  However, it's not the money so much as it is him understanding how much he "should" give.
I'm happy and yet...I'm almost afraid to hope.  Feels like it's probably just another coming up for air before being held under again.  But.....with time....I'll relax and live in this new way.
grace to you.

Decisions

So much running through my mind.  Not a bad thing.  Simply a fact. Looking with new eyes.  Thinking new thoughts.  What do I really want?  What do I want to accomplish in who I am becoming?  How do I make myself feel safe.....not only BE safe, but FEEL safe.  While he says that feelings are nothing, I disagree.  I need to feel safe.  To be held.  To know that I can rest.  Let down.  Not be hyper vigilant.
How does that look?  I could let him take the living room.  Not sure if I could.  Afraid he would still feel ownership of the bedroom and intrude.  But, maybe not.  Hard to know.  Have to make a plan.
Clean out.  Pack up.  Sell the house.  But that might be too much on my kids.  They have lived here a long time.  It's a place to come home to.  Yet....he likes the house more than I do.  Has his chickens.  His projects.  Letting him buy it makes sense.  Not sure if he can qualify.  Hmmm.
I can finally say the words that these are things that I need.  But it's hard not to put disclaimers.
But there being decisions is a good thing.  It means change.  And I NEED change.
You ever wish that you could just talk randomly and not make sense for about 10 hours?  I hardly ever wish that...but that is where I am now.  My poor friends.
grace to you.

The Path Splits

I have come to a divide in my life.  The path doesn't end.  It simply diverges with someone else's.  To take responsibility that this is my choice is important.  I am not a victim of circumstances.  I have looked over what is and what has been.  I have prayed and given marvelous effort.  I am not what my husband wants.  Though he'll say so.  He DOES want that I am his fixer.  His scapegoat.  The one to blame when his life isn't right.  He uses me to keep from being responsible.  I refuse to use him the same way.  He has done things.  True enough.  But I am the one choosing to split the path.  In this way, I am not a victim.  I am a grown up making a decision.  The consequences are mine to bear.  And the rewards.  I don't wish to be foolhardy.  This seems the wisest path.  And, actually the kindest.  Because if we go on as we are....getting worse and worse....eventually I will only hate him.  Resent him.  Letting go can be a gift.  He tells me that is wrong.  But you know, there were 400 years when God did not speak to His people.  Not because He's hateful.  It was time for a change.  They didn't see Him.  Didn't appreciate Him.  Didn't acknowledge who He was in their lives.  And they just assumed that He would keep on doing His thing and making their lives "right".  But then He withdrew.  He was silent.  Not absent.  Not unloving.  Not unaware.
This is what came to me today.  This is my answer from God.  Godly character does not mean allowing myself to be destroyed.  And dying to self doesn't mean being murdered.  There is a way to choose to give up my life and a way in which it is ripped from me.
Even here in my wondering if I can still possibly be a "godly" woman.  If I can make this journey at all.  God whispers in my soul.  Comforts me.  He just showed me how is IS like Him to make boundaries.  Not out of hatefulness.  Out of goodness and kindness.  Out of self respect and out of knowing what happens to others if they don't have boundaries.
I accept my responsibility.  I have made this choice.
And....I am strangely....happy.
grace to you.

Without A Doubt

I know that I have done what I had to do.  What works to keep me safe.  What will make me the mom I need to be to my children.  I have no doubt about it.  I still haven't cried.  I just feel.....emptied.  Drained.  Like it was so long coming.  Such a long wait.  But, there are these parts that wonder.  Not doubt.  But wonder.  Why, and when is it ok with God to say enough?  Are there guidelines?  Because I guess that in keeping with wanting to be in His will, I wonder about such things.  I wonder if I'm just selfish.  Perhaps dying to self means ceasing.  I don't think so.  It doesn't seem right.  But I can't justify my thoughts.
Except for that voice in my ear.  The One that keeps calling me forward.  That keeps encouraging me.  God has not abandoned me.  And though I may not be "in the right", His grace carries me.
I am so weary.  I need to be taken care of.  Feels like when I had surgery.  Yep, I'm home.  And, today I should be productive because I'm without husband.  But all I feel is limp.  Like after a big hike and once you stop, you just practically melt.
It's hard.  My husband tells me how good he is to me.  How he takes care of me.  Yet he has harmed me more than any other.  Has put me in a place that hurts me so deeply.
I am done.  I say it.  I mean it.  It's not a threat.  It's just a fact.  Doesn't even feel that emotional on my part.  Just feels like doing what has needed to be done for a long time.  A relief.  But, most of the loss has passed for me.  I do need to be patient.  Allow him to suffer his loss.  And I need to get stronger.  Because there will be a battle ahead.
I'm going to have to be able to ask for help.  Because I don't think I can do it all alone.
grace to you

Never Once - Matt Redman (Worship with Lyrics)

Numb.

I was courageous.  I spoke.  I said that I need a separation.  I didn't battle.  I spoke with him at church.  After services.  He asked to go home and talk about it and I said no that I didn't feel safe.  I don't know what it's going to look like.  He doesn't seem like he'll actually go.....said that he won't walk out on his family.  But, still, I was brave.  I said what I need and I set my boundaries.  I said no more bullying.  That if he tells me what he is allowed to do because it is his right by marriage then I would be sure that we were no longer married.  I didn't cry.  I still haven't.  I'm spent.  Yet not sleeping.  Needing comfort.  But don't know how to find that.  Time will pass.  It will get easier.
My fear is that he will treat it as he always has....as if nothing happened.  Dismissing it.  It cost me so much.  Hurting someone is not pleasant.
I apologized that I have hurt him over and over in the past year and a half by moving out of our room.  By closing him out.  Told him that I have to be safe.  That he can't tell me to heal and just expect it to happen.  Told him that I am wounded deeply.  That I have tried and tried to keep going on.  To honor and help him.
I also told him that I've helped him get to a place where he has more people that are closer to him.  That he doesn't have to be alone.  That he can seek help.
I know that he's hurt.  Angry.  Probably shocked.  Although, I told him that it's not like the first time I've mentioned it.  I reminded him that I've asked him before to go for a time to give us time to get healthy...and that he has refused.  It just continues to get worse to stay on the same rutted path.
I need to write.  Yet, I don't have much to say.  I need to sleep.  But, I'm still in the living room.  It was a hard day for my body.  As well as my heart.  I feel absolutely drained  Yet, like I can't sleep.  Need to cry probably...but afraid that I won't be able to stop.
I fled today.  I don't want to be here now.  Should have gone to get a hotel room.  Didn't think of it.
I really need a day to sleep.  To put my head under the covers.  But I don't know how to get that.  So, I'll just hope that this night's sleep is enough.
grace to you.

Answers

Having this time with only one child has assured me of one basic thing.  I cannot wait for 41/2 years.  Having only one around is not "barrier" enough nor "distraction" enough to help me to keep my sanity.  I've been praying for how and when to use my words.  I want it not to be in the middle of a battle.  I want to feel safe.  I don't want to do it in front of the kids.  The dilemma is that I don't feel safe or comfortable in the house without the kids.  I have really struggled with this.
Right or wrong, good or bad, I need a separation.  I need to find the woman I am supposed to be without shame or guilt.  And maybe after that, I'll be able to return to marriage.  I am really not thinking so, to be honest.  The habits are so ingrained.  The rut is so deep.  But, I know that I can't keep living like this.  And I can't just stop.  Have to keep going forward.  So, I must go forward.  And trust.
And in all of my prayers and wondering, I couldn't figure out where or how to use my words.  I couldn't seem to wrap my mind around any way that would work.  In the night....early morning really....I had an aha moment.  I know where and I don't have to worry if I can explain myself.  That's the basic problem anyway....he can't or won't hear me.....so, I can't expect that I'll get him to do so perfectly in this really hard time.  But, I can have compassion.  I can show care.  I can use my words.  Though they are hard.
And my heart felt lighter.  My face felt less tense.  I seemed happier.  All because I know how and where to tell him.  I know, that's sad, right?  That the best day I've had is because I finally understand how I can tell my husband that I need to be separated.  And that I know where I can do it safely.  For both of us.  And that I can do it with compassion.  Finally.  Not hatred.  But also, caring for me too.  Timing is everything. Things rarely happen when I think they will.  They don't even happen when people tell me they should.  But, eventually, it all comes together.  I AM an overthinker.  I get that.  I am not a worrier, but a predictor, a thinker of what truly is BEST.  Not just good.  Or good enough.
I heard the other day on the christian radio station that this year has been dubbed the year of the "good enough" marriage.  And...that is sad.  How about the "abundant" marriage?  The "growing" marriage?  The anything but good enough...the status quo...the "I'm still here, but don't have very high expectations" attitude.  I did the good enough marriage.  I tried to say that it was ok.  That I needed to just be thankful that it wasn't as bad as such and such.  But measuring any relationship bases on how much or how little abuse there is or how much or how little love there is can't be healthy.  It's a relationship, but it's broken.  It's sick.  It's in need of help.  I realized that a long long time ago.  But was shot down every time with the "commitment" argument. Now, I realize that it doesn't need to be an argument.  I have needs.  I have feelings.  I have boundaries.  And I am allowed to express them.  Maybe not by him.  But he is not in charge of me.  Well, I let him be, but I don't have to....
here's to change.  And courage.  And a safe place to speak.
grace to you.