called three friends this morning. got zero answers. i really wanted to go out to breakfast. to hang out for an hour or so before the day ramped up. coffee. eggs. pancakes. hashbrowns. coffee. did i say coffee? i was brave to call. i have a hard time these days doing that. but seriously. nobody answered. when caller i.d. came out all of those years ago, you could wonder if people were screening their calls but. in this age? everyone screens their calls. just how it is. how we stay sane with the massive amounts of data input. hard when i feel....alone. which i have. for quite some time.
but, i decided that i can't do anything about it right now. i'm in a transition place in life. everyone else that i'm currently friends with is settled. or totally unsettled. totally unsettled one pushes me away. guess i can understand that. she doesn't think i'll understand. i get it. she doesn't see what i have lived through. that's ok. not her job. but i'd still like to be kind. then there's a married friend. again. those who are settled have other plans. and another who has been single for a lot longer than i and has a pretty full agenda.
so.
what to do?
put on a pot of coffee.
went and got a big box of donuts.
chose a show to watch.
will hang out with me this morning.
and here i am.
actually pretty happy.
not denying reality. not pretending. knowing that at some point i'm going to need some people who call me...seek me...want me...just my company. but for now, i'm content enough. happy enough. and i am peaceful.
it was a reality check. three calls. three no answers. maybe they were all sleeping at nine in the morning? it's possible. and it's fine. and maybe they were hanging out together. and that is fine too. i am having breakfast with friends. :) a pinecone, longjohn and bismarck. choices choices. gonna have to choose these friends carefully!
i am healing.
before, i would have been crushed. sad. feeling all alone. unwanted. now? i'm fine. not unaware that i will probably have to do something about it sometime. but i'm good with my life for now. good thing i cultivated a love relationship with donuts all of those years ago in college! for now they bring me memories and laughter and comfort.
blessings.
but, i decided that i can't do anything about it right now. i'm in a transition place in life. everyone else that i'm currently friends with is settled. or totally unsettled. totally unsettled one pushes me away. guess i can understand that. she doesn't think i'll understand. i get it. she doesn't see what i have lived through. that's ok. not her job. but i'd still like to be kind. then there's a married friend. again. those who are settled have other plans. and another who has been single for a lot longer than i and has a pretty full agenda.
so.
what to do?
put on a pot of coffee.
went and got a big box of donuts.
chose a show to watch.
will hang out with me this morning.
and here i am.
actually pretty happy.
not denying reality. not pretending. knowing that at some point i'm going to need some people who call me...seek me...want me...just my company. but for now, i'm content enough. happy enough. and i am peaceful.
it was a reality check. three calls. three no answers. maybe they were all sleeping at nine in the morning? it's possible. and it's fine. and maybe they were hanging out together. and that is fine too. i am having breakfast with friends. :) a pinecone, longjohn and bismarck. choices choices. gonna have to choose these friends carefully!
i am healing.
before, i would have been crushed. sad. feeling all alone. unwanted. now? i'm fine. not unaware that i will probably have to do something about it sometime. but i'm good with my life for now. good thing i cultivated a love relationship with donuts all of those years ago in college! for now they bring me memories and laughter and comfort.
blessings.
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