yep. alone.

there are truly turning places in life.  moments that show me that it's time to move on.  today is one of those.  my ex still charms and delights.  still has a place in the lives of everyone i know except for my coworkers.  and some of them know him too....since he's with the newspaper.
and that has to be ok.  but i get weary of watching it.  weary of the fact that he uses every last thing and person to show what a good guy he is.  knowing him and how he works makes me hurt and ache and yet be unwilling to tell all of those around how it is.  i am appalled by him.  appalled by how he scoops up everyone around to draw them into his circle.  but the thing is...he doesn't do anything for them really.  just gets them to feel sorry for him.  and when he does something, it always has an ulterior motive.  how do you tell people?  you don't.  you suck it up and long for the day when his community isn't yours anymore.
but it's still not very fair.  i nurtured and created relationships.  offered hospitality.  and he reaps all of the rewards.  without giving at all.  and somehow he gets away with it.  and i get to be the person that is invisible.  i get to be the one that is ostracized.  i get to be the one who has nobody of her own.  sucks royally.
but i am going to learn who i am.  and i am going to learn what i need.  and i am going to move on in life and do what it takes to quit being invisible.  even if it is so totally unfair.  at least i'll grow.
but some moments......some people.....it's just too much and i want to scream.  makes me sob.  again...alone.  how do i get past that?  he uses people near me to cause me to do what he wants.  always has.  still is trying.
in three years my daughter graduates.  i need to start planning more seriously.  because i am not willing to spend the rest of my years like this.
he's scary.  and i know it. and deceptive.  he's a user of the highest order.  his drug of choice is people.
hard stuff.
but it doesn't destroy me anymore.  i know what i'm going to have to do. i have to make a whole new life.  and that stinks.  but at least i know that i can.  he has to hold onto everyone i gathered for him.
i know how that is....he uses them as either bait or as guilt givers, depending on the person.  he always used those that i cared about most to lure me into doing what he wanted by making himself near them.
i guess i thought that would end.  but really, it only increased.  that's why he's so busy too.  so involved.
while he's yet estranged from a son.  and disney dad to the others.  he still doesn't own that to people.  he still behaves as if all is well in the family.
he creeps me out.
sometimes....not as often..but sometimes, i get the chills knowing what he's capable of.  and for a moment i will wonder what he'll do when he really gets that it's all over.  when he is finally exposed.  when people actually know that he's not just going through rough times maritally.
and my breath gets shallow.  and my head aches.  and my heart beats harder.  and i go numb.  and get cold.
and i remember why i'm not married anymore.
tonight was a hard night.
but not as hard as in the past.  i'm learning to do and be what i need to be and to let go and let others do and be what they need to.
i will never be a gatherer of people to support me.  they can stay or they can go.  i won't manipulate.  i won't convince.
and i will find myself alone.  i know.
because it's true.
no family standing by me.
no friends that are mine alone.
i think sometimes i pretend it isn't true.  that's not healthy.  i need to be real and be true.  even in the most difficult parts.
they will pass.