today. just for the moment. i'm fried. i am not just tired, i am done. i need to give myself some regroup time.
for the last months, with college and airline tickets and new dishwasher and back to school and......yes, all of the expenses...it has been hard. and with the ex doing what he is required, but not making his payments "by" the due date, but rather slightly late or more....it has made things stressful. i am not a money complainer. i am thankful. i have enough. but, it is just another thing at the moment.
and my house is always a mess. though i've really been striving to do so much better. to be intentional. and to do more maintenance stuff as well. but...always behind.
and my job is a blessing. i am so thankful to get to do something purposeful. but it's also really hard this year. a new teammate. less laughter. kids that are really tough. computer woes about my grades disappearing. having to learn a new ILP process. more meetings. and did i mention that the kids are really wearing? i am good at doing that. i keep reminding myself that they are the point...but why doesn't it feel that way??
and the government shut down.
and there was a flood with lots of hurting people around.
and i have to carry so much of that emotion for people at work. they can't express it.
and the ex doesn't build relationships with the kids and that makes me mad.
and.
and.
and.
i'm just tired.
and i don't have a mommy to talk to.
or an aunt.
or a grandma.
and. i am ok.
and i know how to take care of myself.
and i know what to do.
and i will be fine.
but it's ok to say that it's hard.
ok to hurt.
ok to cry.
ok to have this realization that i was just as alone when i was married.
and to have that be even more sad.
i wasted good years with someone who took way more than he gave.
and now i have given up the "rights" to the mutual friends.
and so.....
here i am
with more on my plate.
with aches
and pains
and knowing that my health is what it is
and
STILL
i am so glad to be just me.
and in that moment,
i smile.
who knew?
i had no idea that as bad as this is that my marriage took even more out of me!!
and i never got to stop and give myself time.
wasn't allowed.
now i can.
i should.
i will.
blessings.
for the last months, with college and airline tickets and new dishwasher and back to school and......yes, all of the expenses...it has been hard. and with the ex doing what he is required, but not making his payments "by" the due date, but rather slightly late or more....it has made things stressful. i am not a money complainer. i am thankful. i have enough. but, it is just another thing at the moment.
and my house is always a mess. though i've really been striving to do so much better. to be intentional. and to do more maintenance stuff as well. but...always behind.
and my job is a blessing. i am so thankful to get to do something purposeful. but it's also really hard this year. a new teammate. less laughter. kids that are really tough. computer woes about my grades disappearing. having to learn a new ILP process. more meetings. and did i mention that the kids are really wearing? i am good at doing that. i keep reminding myself that they are the point...but why doesn't it feel that way??
and the government shut down.
and there was a flood with lots of hurting people around.
and i have to carry so much of that emotion for people at work. they can't express it.
and the ex doesn't build relationships with the kids and that makes me mad.
and.
and.
and.
i'm just tired.
and i don't have a mommy to talk to.
or an aunt.
or a grandma.
and. i am ok.
and i know how to take care of myself.
and i know what to do.
and i will be fine.
but it's ok to say that it's hard.
ok to hurt.
ok to cry.
ok to have this realization that i was just as alone when i was married.
and to have that be even more sad.
i wasted good years with someone who took way more than he gave.
and now i have given up the "rights" to the mutual friends.
and so.....
here i am
with more on my plate.
with aches
and pains
and knowing that my health is what it is
and
STILL
i am so glad to be just me.
and in that moment,
i smile.
who knew?
i had no idea that as bad as this is that my marriage took even more out of me!!
and i never got to stop and give myself time.
wasn't allowed.
now i can.
i should.
i will.
blessings.
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