fare thee well.

I thought that some things would hold strong.  Thought that I had built some relationships that would be able to say the words, "hey sweetie, I always choose you.....let me slam him in the nuts for you..." or something else encouraging.  But what I've learned is that I have had to learn to be more and more understanding.  I've had to grow up.  And I've had to learn to be ok with crying alone.  Learn to say what I need to say and find that there's no comfort because people can't always give or do or be what we long for.  And though it isn't easy, it's a fact.  And though it hurts, it doesn't mean they don't care.  At least they aren't fake.

But, some days, it's all I can do not to throw a little fit and say, "mine, mine, mine!He doesn't get everyone."  But I don't get to choose.  Every human being gets to choose for himself or herself.  

And the fact that it hurts me isn't a good enough reason for them to change their mind or behave differently.  And I'm so tired of it all.  Of having to be careful of everyone's feelings.  Of being polite when sometimes I just want to say, "do you like hanging out with a dick?"  But maybe they like him.  Apparently they do.  And that is so very hard.  Like...want to vomit hard.  Cry my eyes out.  Crawl away in despair hard.  Because by choosing him, they are not choosing me.  Because I can't live on the fence.  And while I don't hate them or even love them less, it makes me know that I really don't have anyone that will hold on walking in life.  I don't have anyone that says, "I choose you absolutely.  You are the one that matters and I will stick with you."  

Nope.  

I've really worked hard at trying to tell people how I feel.  And they do seem to kind of get it sometimes.  But they don't feel my agony.  They don't empathize.  They don't choose me.  They don't comfort.  They just acknowledge that it is true.  

My throat hurts from swallowing the tears.  My head aches from the pressure in my eyes.  I am fighting with every ounce of my being to be one who will be honorable.  I want to be someone I respect.  I want to wake up in the morning knowing that I wasn't a jerk.  Because I hate waking up knowing that I was.  

But it's a sacrifice.  Because I guess I'll just have to be alone.  At least in this.  I guess that all else has to be shallow.  Because he is ever present.

And believe me, with those I care about, I have laid my heart bare about how difficult this is.  And the words that they'll be there are not available.  And I have to walk away lest I weep and blurt out, "please just tell me that you see me, understand and are willing to make a choice."  But nobody is willing to make a choice.  Guess they all want to be fair.  It doesn't feel fair.  It feels vastly unfair.  Because by staying in the middle they condone his behavior.  They give silent approval to how he has treated his family.  They diminish my truth.  They give him power.  They feed his need to be publicly popular in order to show how good he is.  

But I'm tired of saying it.  Tired of the empty feeling of having to share everyone.  It hurts so deeply that I don't even know what to do with it. 

So I pray.  And I wait.

And I plan for the future.  

But what they don't realize is that they are missing out.  Because by choosing both, they are choosing him.  And one day I'll have faded out of their lives and they won't even have noticed because they were so busy being fair.  

But I'll find my balance.  And I'll walk on.  And I'll miss them always.  And I'll wish that they would have stayed and held on when I needed it most. And I'll tremble as I say good bye in my heart.  And I'll falter.  But I'll spread out my arms and walk on.  I refuse to live a life tainted by his deceptive charm forever.  I choose joy.  I choose beauty.  I choose good.
And I wish that I could choose some to walk with me.  But it doesn't work that way.

blessings.