goodbye

You know, I've had over a year to think about what you left me with. And I have decided to go ahead and tell you exactly how you made me feel. You nearly destroyed me. You took someone who was in a fragile state, wounded, hurting, and going through something she never thought she would be and told her that she will have to go it alone. And then said that you loved her always. I don't understand your reasoning. I didn't understand what ax we have to bury. I got the message that I'm no longer something to brag about. But, over all of this time, going it without family, I've had to wonder. What made you feel like you knew me so well? I saw you sporadically. Since grandma died ten years ago, how many times did you speak with me? How do you think that you know my ex and how he is so well that you can assume that things were equally wrong? How many hours in all of life have you ever spent with him? I'm healing. I'm not severely depressed anymore. I'm happy. I see hope. And joy. And so I am simply asking these things so that you will consider them, not for me, but for others that will come along in your life. Don't shoot other christians. Don't assume that you know what is going on. Don't think that if they don't feel free to share with you that it's because they are doing something wrong. Maybe it's simply that you haven't been that close for awhile and it is intimate and raw. You hurt me. You basically disowned me while saying the words that you love. I know what love looks like. That's not it. You are a missionary. I have seen the compassion that you give to others. You spared none for me. Please.....in the future.....please, give kindness and gentleness first. Every situation does not demand tough love. And it was totally demeaning to be spoken to as if I were a college kid. I had been married for well over twenty years. I wasn't unaware of life or the world. I didn't walk away from God. I wasn't pursuing romantic interests. I wasn't leaving to live in some kind of sinful pleasure. I'm not needing a response. I don't need an apology. Not anymore. I left it for over a year. You didn't miss me. You didn't bother with me. You said quite clearly that I would have to earn your love by proving myself. That's not love. And it took me a long time to get over it and realize what saying those words means. I wasn't important enough if I didn't do what you wanted. Please oh please when this issue comes up again with someone else, be soft about it. Prepare your heart to actually love. To bind the wounds. And not condemn. And never ever use someone who is dead and gone and dearly beloved to try and bully someone into doing what you want. It will only serve to alienate. You know, years ago, when I came to Japan, I thought that I was invited as a family member.....as someone special. But after I was there you told me that you thought that I'd be more mature and more independent. I thought that we would be family. Well, I grew up and I became independent. I didn't need you to make my decisions nor approve them anymore. And you didn't like that either. So, I'm pretty sure that we aren't that close. Words don't make people close. Actions do. This will probably make you mad, but it was about time that I said it. And as for not telling you all of the dirt.....people who are present, who love day to day, who are involved....they deserve to hear our stories. They earn the right to speak into our lives by knowing us and taking time with us. Yep, you really hurt me last year. But look.....I'm divorced, and the world hasn't ended. And God doesn't hate me. And you not knowing my story doesn't make it any less valid. It is a journey. I don't pretend to like all of the twists and turns. I don't pretend that I am right on everything. But I am where I am. And people who actually love me....take me where I am and don't "leave me to God".....otherwise known as "God help you.." which is uttered when people think you are hopeless. Well, I am pretty hopeless on my own. So, I guess that I can see that. But there are a few people in the world that actually like me. And not only if I'm doing what they want me to be doing. They are willing to walk with me when I'm being a total horse's behind. And I'll take them and count my blessings. Just wanted you to know. I want you to hear me. To think about it. To not wound another so deeply when they do something that throws you. I let it sit for a long time on purpose. Because I wanted to be sure of what I had to say. And now, I am able to say it without malice. And able to say goodbye kindly. You in essence said goodbye already, but I needed to get there. I finally did.