I carried the burden of relationships for years.
Did the work.
Kept things running.
Pursued.
Made myself available.
With extended family.
With my ex.
With some friends.
And I'm not willing anymore.
That's why I had to write to my aunt.
I guess looking and realizing that it had been over a year since she heard from me that I was going through something so hard and not having heard from her made me realize......it doesn't matter to her. OVER a YEAR. Wow. She treated me like I had become a drug addict or had become a stripper or was having sex with the postman. She didn't treat me like someone who had endured. Who had tried. She didn't treat me like someone that she trusted. Cared about. Loved.
And I've changed.
I've come to a place that I don't have to feel mean towards people that I need to let go of.
I just need to quit doing all of the holding on. It's not healthy.
I need to be close with people who want to be close with me.
And if they don't....well, it's a loss.
But I can't spend my life trying to convince people that I'm right. That I'm worth loving.
Maybe I fear that I'm not.
And maybe I'm not.
Maybe I'll grow to a place where I am.
But some people love me anyway.
And I'm not sure how I feel about others that are going to decide to love me when I achieve some specific place in life. I mean.....that seems a little superficial.
But I do feel like an ass for being so blunt. And I also feel freed. It's guilt and shame that makes me feel assinine. I feel freed for saying what I needed to....because it's what I needed to say.
Not beating myself up about it. No guilt necessary.
Nobody has to agree with me.
Nobody has to understand.
There are just some things that I need to be done with.
At least for now.
Because carrying full responsibility for relationships isn't right.
And no matter how much I want them, they aren't there if the other person doesn't want them to be there too.
Hard to explain to people who have had their families their entire lives. Who have had healthy people around them. I sure miss my grandfather. He was normal. He was real family. And he wasn't even related to me.
I am proud of me. Even if I'm proud all by myself. I made me smile! That's pretty awesome!
blessings.
Did the work.
Kept things running.
Pursued.
Made myself available.
With extended family.
With my ex.
With some friends.
And I'm not willing anymore.
That's why I had to write to my aunt.
I guess looking and realizing that it had been over a year since she heard from me that I was going through something so hard and not having heard from her made me realize......it doesn't matter to her. OVER a YEAR. Wow. She treated me like I had become a drug addict or had become a stripper or was having sex with the postman. She didn't treat me like someone who had endured. Who had tried. She didn't treat me like someone that she trusted. Cared about. Loved.
And I've changed.
I've come to a place that I don't have to feel mean towards people that I need to let go of.
I just need to quit doing all of the holding on. It's not healthy.
I need to be close with people who want to be close with me.
And if they don't....well, it's a loss.
But I can't spend my life trying to convince people that I'm right. That I'm worth loving.
Maybe I fear that I'm not.
And maybe I'm not.
Maybe I'll grow to a place where I am.
But some people love me anyway.
And I'm not sure how I feel about others that are going to decide to love me when I achieve some specific place in life. I mean.....that seems a little superficial.
But I do feel like an ass for being so blunt. And I also feel freed. It's guilt and shame that makes me feel assinine. I feel freed for saying what I needed to....because it's what I needed to say.
Not beating myself up about it. No guilt necessary.
Nobody has to agree with me.
Nobody has to understand.
There are just some things that I need to be done with.
At least for now.
Because carrying full responsibility for relationships isn't right.
And no matter how much I want them, they aren't there if the other person doesn't want them to be there too.
Hard to explain to people who have had their families their entire lives. Who have had healthy people around them. I sure miss my grandfather. He was normal. He was real family. And he wasn't even related to me.
I am proud of me. Even if I'm proud all by myself. I made me smile! That's pretty awesome!
blessings.
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