silent support

people don't think.  or realize.  or know.  that when abusers seek support, they don't do it with a rally.  instead, they quietly gather allies.  or loudly gather allies.  but they gather them like ammunition.  and they don't read support as someone who says, "i support you."  they read support simply in the presence of the other.  in not being snubbed.  in being included.  talked to.  smiled at.  that reads, "i think that you are a good person."  and that is used against those that they abuse.  it's used to shame.  to show up.  to push down.  it's used to keep the other person in line.  to leave them alone in the world if they don't comply with the abusers wishes because over and over the abused is shown that they are not "chosen".
and for a long time, i did that.  i complied.  i fell in line.  i did what it took to hold things together for my kids.  i mean, you can't get rid of all of your friends when your kids are growing up.  or quit caring yourself.  you can't tell them that your husband uses them.  you can't explain it.  and the silence grows.  like a monster in a nightmare, the silence gets bigger and attacks the very soul.
the sad part is that people don't even know that they've given silent support.  they are just being "nice".  being "christian".  they are just trying to hold things together for themselves.  and without realizing, they take sides.
they don't know what they do.  and i'm not going to tell them.  but i'm also not going to fall in line.  probably why i feel the need to get some space from this community.
and why i feel such deep grief and sense of loss.
wow.  he's good.  pulls people to him.  makes me  feel literally ill.  i don't want to sit the rest of my life watching it.
i get to choose to actually live.
blessings.