When you see a dandelion gone to see what do you see? A weed? Wishes? I see wishes. I see hope. I see how the seeds fly and find new places. My garden is full of weeds. And full of flowers. Some people in my life will only see the weeds. And it really hurts me. I know that it's stupid, but because of the weeds, they completely miss the line of sunflowers...a wall, really....the irises that have finally taken and are blooming all over the place...the daisies that I've propagated from two plants given to me......all around the garden...the tiny poppy seedlings that are the first ones that I've ever been able to grow from seeds...the hollyhocks that I planted with love last year.....knowing that I wouldn't see them for a year....the nasturtiums that hide their little faces with their leaves. They won't see. They will only see the weeds and what I haven't done.
But I see flowers. Of all sorts. Lovingly cultivated. Invested in. I see wishes. Hopes and dreams.
Problem is that sometimes it feels like some people are intent on blowing the wishes away.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Got to Tell Somebody....can't
You know, life would be easier in some ways if I could speak about the things that are wrong. If I could just blurt it out and somehow be understood. But, I have this understanding that there is nobody who will be able to walk here with me. Who will actually want to see the blech and ick. And, that's understandable. Everyone has their own stuff. But, sometimes, because I mostly remain silent...well, I think that people get the idea that my life is easy. That I have no problems. That I should be so thankful. And sometimes I want to say, "please really see me." I want to have my wounds seen and bound up. But, mostly, I skirt the issues. Allowing him the freedom to do as he chooses.
I have a job interview next week. I haven't told my husband. It's like one of hte most exciting things that I have heard in such a long time...well, in my OWN life. But, I can't tell him. I know that he'll take away from my joy, not add to it. It's hard to explain, but it will be about money. About what it means to him. About everything but the great gift God has given me to have this chance. And, it makes me terribly sad to realize that sharing it with him would be painful. It happens so often, but I usually just allow it. But, this time it's like a treasured nugget that I'm guarding. Holding onto the sheer joy.
He cares about him. He looks good for others. He wants things that he wants and things that he wants done. He is funny. He is charming. Can't deny it. But, for me, for my kids, there is something else entirely. No wonder my son didn't want to tell him about quitting college at the school of mines. No wonder they never ask him for money. Or gas. Or anything.
The other day, I had taken my two older boys to a local drive up for half price drinks....it's "happy hour". It's fun and about a buck a person. When we arrived home with our slushes, another son wanted to go. I told him that dad could take him while he was going out. My oldest son looked at me and said that dad probably wouldn't leave in time to get him there. But, my younger son, got his dad on board. The, dad comes to me and says, "well, I don't know, do you have some money for us?" Seriously. Two bucks. %&(*&$#@#$%%&(*&^%$$##@**& Are you kidding me? But, I dragged change and a couple of bucks out of my purse....about five bucks. They came back with onion rings to share. And a drink.
Can't even go there about how he feels about any money I spend. Seriously, you would think that the world would end. It is crushing. Debilitating. Painful. I can barely breathe. Hard to need something to wear. A haircut. Shampoo. Whatever. And it's always frowned upon. He has never looked at me and said "honey, why don't you go buy...."....no, not gonna happen.
Yet, the other day driving, after my son got a good car for $500, my husband sees a van for $800 and says that maybe he should buy it.....aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh. I asked for money when we sold a house months ago so that I could buy a cheap run around car. He said we'd see. Nope. No way. So, I drove his car and he got dropped off at work.
But there's nobody to tell. I have friends. I have a best friend. I love them. They love me. Support and give to my heart. But, they are his friends too. They need him. Sometimes, I figure that he is closer to some of them than I am. And I genuinely don't want to be the b word. I don't want to be disparaging. And yet, I do want to just tell somebody. All. No filtering and holding back. And I wish for that moment when they get it. But, looking at him. Looking at me. I don't think that that will ever happen. So, I can't. I live the lie. Sleep in the living room. Let him live as if he is the greatest thing ever. And simply stay under the radar. Having given up church for the most part is the hardest. Like a hole in my heart. But, sometimes life is hard. Easier to let people think that I'm a heathen than to say how horribly hurtful it is to go. And I love my church. But, times change. I must grow. And learn.
So, I've told all of you. I've shared my fears. The only problem is that there's no getting the message that somebody gets it. That somebody knows what it feels like to live with the "perfect man".
Regardless of all of this...I am going to love graduation. I am going to love time with my kids. I am going to love my trip. Though there's no support. For any of it. And he'll look good. And, well, I'll just have to live with that.
I have a job interview next week. I haven't told my husband. It's like one of hte most exciting things that I have heard in such a long time...well, in my OWN life. But, I can't tell him. I know that he'll take away from my joy, not add to it. It's hard to explain, but it will be about money. About what it means to him. About everything but the great gift God has given me to have this chance. And, it makes me terribly sad to realize that sharing it with him would be painful. It happens so often, but I usually just allow it. But, this time it's like a treasured nugget that I'm guarding. Holding onto the sheer joy.
He cares about him. He looks good for others. He wants things that he wants and things that he wants done. He is funny. He is charming. Can't deny it. But, for me, for my kids, there is something else entirely. No wonder my son didn't want to tell him about quitting college at the school of mines. No wonder they never ask him for money. Or gas. Or anything.
The other day, I had taken my two older boys to a local drive up for half price drinks....it's "happy hour". It's fun and about a buck a person. When we arrived home with our slushes, another son wanted to go. I told him that dad could take him while he was going out. My oldest son looked at me and said that dad probably wouldn't leave in time to get him there. But, my younger son, got his dad on board. The, dad comes to me and says, "well, I don't know, do you have some money for us?" Seriously. Two bucks. %&(*&$#@#$%%&(*&^%$$##@**& Are you kidding me? But, I dragged change and a couple of bucks out of my purse....about five bucks. They came back with onion rings to share. And a drink.
Can't even go there about how he feels about any money I spend. Seriously, you would think that the world would end. It is crushing. Debilitating. Painful. I can barely breathe. Hard to need something to wear. A haircut. Shampoo. Whatever. And it's always frowned upon. He has never looked at me and said "honey, why don't you go buy...."....no, not gonna happen.
Yet, the other day driving, after my son got a good car for $500, my husband sees a van for $800 and says that maybe he should buy it.....aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh. I asked for money when we sold a house months ago so that I could buy a cheap run around car. He said we'd see. Nope. No way. So, I drove his car and he got dropped off at work.
But there's nobody to tell. I have friends. I have a best friend. I love them. They love me. Support and give to my heart. But, they are his friends too. They need him. Sometimes, I figure that he is closer to some of them than I am. And I genuinely don't want to be the b word. I don't want to be disparaging. And yet, I do want to just tell somebody. All. No filtering and holding back. And I wish for that moment when they get it. But, looking at him. Looking at me. I don't think that that will ever happen. So, I can't. I live the lie. Sleep in the living room. Let him live as if he is the greatest thing ever. And simply stay under the radar. Having given up church for the most part is the hardest. Like a hole in my heart. But, sometimes life is hard. Easier to let people think that I'm a heathen than to say how horribly hurtful it is to go. And I love my church. But, times change. I must grow. And learn.
So, I've told all of you. I've shared my fears. The only problem is that there's no getting the message that somebody gets it. That somebody knows what it feels like to live with the "perfect man".
Regardless of all of this...I am going to love graduation. I am going to love time with my kids. I am going to love my trip. Though there's no support. For any of it. And he'll look good. And, well, I'll just have to live with that.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
The Rising Stress
I know that my in laws coming is wreaking havoc in my body and mind. I try to remind myself that she has no say over me. That what she says and does can't hurt me. But it does. Being told that I'm not a part of "them" is painful....although a part of me is glad. Not painful because it's what I want to strive for anymore, but because I failed. Because I am the topic of conversation. Because I realize that that is going to get worse. Makes me head ache even now.
Why in the world would she have taught her son and other kids that they were better??? It is certainly not a blessing to those who end up living with it. It's funny because her phone calls to my home never involve talking to me pleasantly. Though I have tried to establish a relationship. The last phone call and the last card told me that it was my fault that she hadn't reached me on my birthday. Duh. I have a cell phone.
The fragile parts of me simply don't look forward to the stress. But, that's just how it is.s My brother in law is staying here. There's a dilemma. How to handle that. Can I remain strong and do what I need to do? Or do I need to cave and make everyone else comfortable. And what does that say to my kids?
Mercy.
But going to the ocean soon. With waves and beauty and time. The drive is always hard, but I'm sure it will be worth it. Then, I get to come back and work a teaching job!!! Woot woot!
Now, to rest. Stress demands more rest. For health. For sanity.
And prayer. Lots of it. Lest you think I am simply a heathen who does not acknowledge that God simply is the reason and source of all. He is amazing and giving. Even when life is hard. Especially then.
Why in the world would she have taught her son and other kids that they were better??? It is certainly not a blessing to those who end up living with it. It's funny because her phone calls to my home never involve talking to me pleasantly. Though I have tried to establish a relationship. The last phone call and the last card told me that it was my fault that she hadn't reached me on my birthday. Duh. I have a cell phone.
The fragile parts of me simply don't look forward to the stress. But, that's just how it is.s My brother in law is staying here. There's a dilemma. How to handle that. Can I remain strong and do what I need to do? Or do I need to cave and make everyone else comfortable. And what does that say to my kids?
Mercy.
But going to the ocean soon. With waves and beauty and time. The drive is always hard, but I'm sure it will be worth it. Then, I get to come back and work a teaching job!!! Woot woot!
Now, to rest. Stress demands more rest. For health. For sanity.
And prayer. Lots of it. Lest you think I am simply a heathen who does not acknowledge that God simply is the reason and source of all. He is amazing and giving. Even when life is hard. Especially then.
Do Over
Failure. Utter. Me.
Sometimes I just wish that I could start over somewhere. Try it all again. I feel like a lousy everything. Missed it on every front. Ok, not in the mom thing...though there are certainly things I wish I could do over there too.
But, unlike childhood, there are no do overs.
But what about start agains? I want to go somewhere and just try to be who I'm supposed to be. I want to quit hurting people that I've tried to love. I think that I'm not so good at it. I know I'm not. All evidence points to the fact that I'm just not as easy to love as others. Obnoxious. Stubborn. I seem to never end up good enough or the right kind of person. And frankly, I'm just worn out from it. It's all just too hard. Every time I think that there's a safe place, a place where I am allowed to breathe and just be, I realize that it's nice the right thing either.
I think that I just totally don't get the rules. Some people have it. The are acceptable. Some never will be. I thought that I was. But, turns out, not.
No wonder my husband treats me as he does. I AM supposed to just be grateful that someone like him would be with someone like me.
BLECH. Sick of it. Need tlc. None to be found.
So I'll cook and have fun and do my very best to make life good for all. But, while I can do it. And can do it well. I just wish that I could make life good for me too. If I were 8 I'd run away. But I'm not. So, I'll be responsible. I'll stick it out. I'll smile. I'll be mature. I won't stamp my feet and yell curse words. I won't yell that I need things too. I know that God is supposed to be all we need...but why do some people get both?
Because I'm not one of them. And being with the thems makes it way more obvious. Alone. In my thoughts. In my needs. wanted for what I can do. Not for who I am.
You'd think I'd grow used to it. I have grown accustomed. I am used to being looked to for the food at home. For the plan. Used to being rang up when there's a reason. Not to encourage me. Nobody gets where I am. Not suicidal. Not those feelings. Just hurting. My body hurts, but I work hard. My heart hurts, but I keep giving. But it's like it is never ever enough. And it's never the right thing. And frankly, I just am glad that I sleep in the living room. Well, not really sleep...sometimes moreso. Not so much this last week.
Ok. That was my rant. Now on to my day. As my son asks, "mom, do you hide your sadness from us." And I'm thinking that that is a big resounding YES. But, I am working on having less sadness. Not quite sure how, but it will come.
Sometimes I just wish that I could start over somewhere. Try it all again. I feel like a lousy everything. Missed it on every front. Ok, not in the mom thing...though there are certainly things I wish I could do over there too.
But, unlike childhood, there are no do overs.
But what about start agains? I want to go somewhere and just try to be who I'm supposed to be. I want to quit hurting people that I've tried to love. I think that I'm not so good at it. I know I'm not. All evidence points to the fact that I'm just not as easy to love as others. Obnoxious. Stubborn. I seem to never end up good enough or the right kind of person. And frankly, I'm just worn out from it. It's all just too hard. Every time I think that there's a safe place, a place where I am allowed to breathe and just be, I realize that it's nice the right thing either.
I think that I just totally don't get the rules. Some people have it. The are acceptable. Some never will be. I thought that I was. But, turns out, not.
No wonder my husband treats me as he does. I AM supposed to just be grateful that someone like him would be with someone like me.
BLECH. Sick of it. Need tlc. None to be found.
So I'll cook and have fun and do my very best to make life good for all. But, while I can do it. And can do it well. I just wish that I could make life good for me too. If I were 8 I'd run away. But I'm not. So, I'll be responsible. I'll stick it out. I'll smile. I'll be mature. I won't stamp my feet and yell curse words. I won't yell that I need things too. I know that God is supposed to be all we need...but why do some people get both?
Because I'm not one of them. And being with the thems makes it way more obvious. Alone. In my thoughts. In my needs. wanted for what I can do. Not for who I am.
You'd think I'd grow used to it. I have grown accustomed. I am used to being looked to for the food at home. For the plan. Used to being rang up when there's a reason. Not to encourage me. Nobody gets where I am. Not suicidal. Not those feelings. Just hurting. My body hurts, but I work hard. My heart hurts, but I keep giving. But it's like it is never ever enough. And it's never the right thing. And frankly, I just am glad that I sleep in the living room. Well, not really sleep...sometimes moreso. Not so much this last week.
Ok. That was my rant. Now on to my day. As my son asks, "mom, do you hide your sadness from us." And I'm thinking that that is a big resounding YES. But, I am working on having less sadness. Not quite sure how, but it will come.
Awake
Had four hours of sleep one night. Stayed up last night until after 11. Awakened early. Sad. Very sad. Lots on my mind. And here I am. Decided to get up and write it down.
In my life, I am used to facing the hard times. I am used to being sure that people get what they need. I am not so sure that it is a good attribute. I mean, it is in general. But, what I've been wondering is how it is supposed to work when I am in desperate need. How do I meet my own needs? That's how it feels.
I have a trip coming up. Excited. Need it. Just troubled too.
What I have decided is to take it one moment at a time. Enjoy what I can. Work through the rest.
What else is there to do? I can't run to mommy. I have nobody who sees me to wonder if I'll be ok. So, I think I'll try to sleep a bit more. Chruch day. That just adds to the dilemma.
And, to boot, if he doesn't stop pretending, I think I'll scream.
In my life, I am used to facing the hard times. I am used to being sure that people get what they need. I am not so sure that it is a good attribute. I mean, it is in general. But, what I've been wondering is how it is supposed to work when I am in desperate need. How do I meet my own needs? That's how it feels.
I have a trip coming up. Excited. Need it. Just troubled too.
What I have decided is to take it one moment at a time. Enjoy what I can. Work through the rest.
What else is there to do? I can't run to mommy. I have nobody who sees me to wonder if I'll be ok. So, I think I'll try to sleep a bit more. Chruch day. That just adds to the dilemma.
And, to boot, if he doesn't stop pretending, I think I'll scream.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Useful
If I'm useful. If I have a purpose. If someone needs me. Then....then, I am shown love. Kinda. But, if it's only because I can do for others...then, is it me that is loved or is it just that the action is needed or desired? I'm thinking the second. If I could be any more invisible, I don't know how. I talk. I show up. But how is it that nobody sees me. Nobody gets the idea that perhaps I have needs. That maybe things happen to me as well. I know what it is. I can take a lot. I'm tough. I know how to smile and keep going through just about anything.
But, boy, life can sure throw me for a loop when I least expect it. I feel small. Of very little value. I am getting these feelings out so that I can go back and remind myself that my feelings aren't reality. I have value. But, it's hard to believe. Feels like my value is in what I have to do.
Maybe I just need to go to bed. And cry. So discouraged with who I am. The great disappointment.
But, boy, life can sure throw me for a loop when I least expect it. I feel small. Of very little value. I am getting these feelings out so that I can go back and remind myself that my feelings aren't reality. I have value. But, it's hard to believe. Feels like my value is in what I have to do.
Maybe I just need to go to bed. And cry. So discouraged with who I am. The great disappointment.
Learning to Know it's Not Me
It seems like life has taught me that when things happen, it's my fault. But it's not always. but, sometimes it is. I want to learn to extend the same grace to myself that I extend to others. I want to feel valuable to myself.
Looking at photos today was really hard.
I am having a tough day. And a good day. Because in the tough things I am learning that I am going to be ok.
I am not self centered. Though this seems to sound so. Today I am wishing that I was better at telling people what I need. I used to be. Now, there's nobody to tell. How did I get here?
Oops. tears. gotta stop. too many people around.
Looking at photos today was really hard.
I am having a tough day. And a good day. Because in the tough things I am learning that I am going to be ok.
I am not self centered. Though this seems to sound so. Today I am wishing that I was better at telling people what I need. I used to be. Now, there's nobody to tell. How did I get here?
Oops. tears. gotta stop. too many people around.
A Good Neighbor
There has been an auction sign up on the outskirts of my neighborhood for a few days. But, no directions or address. So, I was waiting to find out who was having the auction. Then, the morning, fairly early, considering how I went to bed so very late, I saw the sign across the street pointing in the direction of the sale. I jumped in my car. I followed the signs. And, it was a woman's house whom I have gotten to know a bit over the years. Her husband has died of pancreatic cancer. She is moving. She cried. I cried. I held this lady like I would if it was my mama. I think. Since I don't have a mama to prove it with.....but, still, the empathy was so huge. That she was alone. That she has to do this hard thing right on top of her husband dying. That she doesn't know where she is going. That she was still sssooo sweet. And, that today, on her very hard day, she was being taken out by her girlfriends. Those ladies that you would see her outside with. That she had never had the tea party for that she wanted to. That she was exhibiting grace even in the midst of her pain.
I am so glad that I awakened early. So glad that I got to see her. Got to know her. So glad that I was privileged to see glimpses of someone.
But, it also got me thinking. I don't know if I can explain it, but I feel badly because there is this place within me that knows that our relationship is not like that. The connection is not there that would make me feel as if I was bereft. I mean, I know that I would miss him. I'm not a total jerk. But, when my grandpa died it was different than when my grandma died. Though I loved both of them. It was different because when my grandpa died I knew that I had lost someone in my life who understood me or at least tried to. Who valued me. Who thought that who I was mattered. You see, what I realized is that I never get that from my husband. And, though I could and would miss him, it wouldn't be that heartbreaking something missing that pulls out a piece of the heart. I know that I tried for that kind of relationship. But, I have never been enough to be that woman to him. I don't know that anyone would be, but I know that I am not.
These thoughts are sobering to me. Sad. I tried really hard. Stupidly so in some ways. I thought that if I did the right things, behave the right way, had the right thoughts, or whatever else there could be, that he would value me. Note, I am not saying that he doesn't love. Nor that he doesn't care. In his very own way he does. But it is always about him. Always about understanding him. There has never been a time when he could see me as someone who was totally worth it. Just like I am. And, for this, he lost the real me. But he didn't even notice. That is what gets me. That he could not notice. Sad. But what hurts me most is that I allowed so many really bad things because I still craved that kind of acceptance. But, now, I am learning to try to be who I am. Though there's no coach, no cheerleaders. I have no family encouraging me on. I don't tell my kids, of course. But God himself has encouraged and guided. And will continue to guide. I like that.
I am so glad that I awakened early. So glad that I got to see her. Got to know her. So glad that I was privileged to see glimpses of someone.
But, it also got me thinking. I don't know if I can explain it, but I feel badly because there is this place within me that knows that our relationship is not like that. The connection is not there that would make me feel as if I was bereft. I mean, I know that I would miss him. I'm not a total jerk. But, when my grandpa died it was different than when my grandma died. Though I loved both of them. It was different because when my grandpa died I knew that I had lost someone in my life who understood me or at least tried to. Who valued me. Who thought that who I was mattered. You see, what I realized is that I never get that from my husband. And, though I could and would miss him, it wouldn't be that heartbreaking something missing that pulls out a piece of the heart. I know that I tried for that kind of relationship. But, I have never been enough to be that woman to him. I don't know that anyone would be, but I know that I am not.
These thoughts are sobering to me. Sad. I tried really hard. Stupidly so in some ways. I thought that if I did the right things, behave the right way, had the right thoughts, or whatever else there could be, that he would value me. Note, I am not saying that he doesn't love. Nor that he doesn't care. In his very own way he does. But it is always about him. Always about understanding him. There has never been a time when he could see me as someone who was totally worth it. Just like I am. And, for this, he lost the real me. But he didn't even notice. That is what gets me. That he could not notice. Sad. But what hurts me most is that I allowed so many really bad things because I still craved that kind of acceptance. But, now, I am learning to try to be who I am. Though there's no coach, no cheerleaders. I have no family encouraging me on. I don't tell my kids, of course. But God himself has encouraged and guided. And will continue to guide. I like that.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Me and the Flowers
Rain. Rain. Rain. wee bit o sun. Rain Rain Rain Rain. little bit of warmth. Rain Rain Rain. sun.
And my flowers have sprouted and grown and thrived. Some seem a little shocked by the massive amounts of moisture. This is an arid state, you know. But, overall, all seems well. The little beauties are growing.
Me too. In spite of the emotional rains that come. I am learning to grow. Learning to do what i need to do. I got a credit card. I got hotel reservations for my trip. I rented a house to stay in on my trip. I have worked nearly 60 hours this week....no, that doesn't include driving time.....and this means that I have earned the gas money. I think that I even have earned enough to go out to eat somewhere nicer a time or two. I'm so excited. It's important to me. I need to do this.
Next a car will come. He is mad at me. Keeps throwing out worries. Has never ever once said that if this is what I really need that he'd like to help out. Nope. Because he wouldn't.
But I can still grow. I can be kind even though these things that I have to say are hard. And, I can still enjoy. It's alright to smile and have joy.
I have some major worries. Eventually I will share them here. For tonight, I am simply too incredibly tired. Going to the couch. Not the floor tonight. Well, unless I get a migraine. Maybe a nap tomorrow after doing something fun. And maybe even some gardening. I would like that. But, I am going to practice no guilt.
Practice. Refine. Learn.
I have been doing a lot of that at my jobs. I think that I might have to look for other jobs besides for teaching too. Sigh. But, whatever comes, I am less worried now. I can walk into something and learn. My confidence is growing. Much of the time. Sometimes it bottoms out. I cried today at one of my schools. That's part of the journey too.
Wherever you are and however your relationship is, know that you never walk alone. And, I'm praying for you right now.
And my flowers have sprouted and grown and thrived. Some seem a little shocked by the massive amounts of moisture. This is an arid state, you know. But, overall, all seems well. The little beauties are growing.
Me too. In spite of the emotional rains that come. I am learning to grow. Learning to do what i need to do. I got a credit card. I got hotel reservations for my trip. I rented a house to stay in on my trip. I have worked nearly 60 hours this week....no, that doesn't include driving time.....and this means that I have earned the gas money. I think that I even have earned enough to go out to eat somewhere nicer a time or two. I'm so excited. It's important to me. I need to do this.
Next a car will come. He is mad at me. Keeps throwing out worries. Has never ever once said that if this is what I really need that he'd like to help out. Nope. Because he wouldn't.
But I can still grow. I can be kind even though these things that I have to say are hard. And, I can still enjoy. It's alright to smile and have joy.
I have some major worries. Eventually I will share them here. For tonight, I am simply too incredibly tired. Going to the couch. Not the floor tonight. Well, unless I get a migraine. Maybe a nap tomorrow after doing something fun. And maybe even some gardening. I would like that. But, I am going to practice no guilt.
Practice. Refine. Learn.
I have been doing a lot of that at my jobs. I think that I might have to look for other jobs besides for teaching too. Sigh. But, whatever comes, I am less worried now. I can walk into something and learn. My confidence is growing. Much of the time. Sometimes it bottoms out. I cried today at one of my schools. That's part of the journey too.
Wherever you are and however your relationship is, know that you never walk alone. And, I'm praying for you right now.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
In the Heat of the Night
I have a heater fan. It runs right by where I sleep. Weird, but the white noise is comforting to me and keeps me from focusing on my busy household. Of course, one of my sons told me the other day that dad told him that I am running up the electric bill by running my fan. Shoot, we keep our heat at 58 or lower at night...surely I am allowed some warmth? Probably not. Anyway, apparently my son has been tasked with being sure that I get it turned off in a timely fashion in the morning.
Regarding where I sleep....for some of you who are unaware....it is still in the living room. I switch between couch and floor. When I have migraines, the floor helps and being in the living room has reduced my stress by tons. My third son, more astute than some might think because he is a total comedian, asked a couple of days ago if I would remain in the living room when the family arrived for the big graduation. I asked if he was worried about it. He just commented that,"you know, they'll talk about problems in the family." My daughter chimed in and said that it doesn't matter because they are staying at a hotel.....snort. Wise girl. Have thought that myself. So. What will I do? I don't plan on going back to the bedroom. Just can't. Don't think that I could do it physically or emotionally. I don't want to cause harm. I also don't want to live a lie. Guess I'll know when the time comes.
So, off I go to my sleeping time. With my heater on. Trying not to feel guilty. Seriously??? A tiny little heater???? So whack. But I have to keep remembering....and at night when I'm tired, it's the hardest to remember.....I am responsible for what I do with what comes....not for what comes. I keep feeling responsible for how he feels. How he is disappointed. How he wants his needs met. How he dislikes something. But, his issues are his issues. I have to learn this lesson. I have to live in a way that says that if I need a heater on to sleep well then I can have one on. And that if vacations or time away are desperately important to me, then I need to learn to incorporate that into my life.
I do wish that it was different. He has a nice guy persona. Seems so good. But to me....he is mean. And, right now it's harder in that he acts like all is good and that he is happy with me....then tells my kids what he wants or how wrong I am. Blah.
But, strangely....they come and tell me. Go figure. they trust me. Love me. Stand by me. Not because I am better....but because I have let them know me. And have gotten to know them.
And that makes the difference.
Regarding where I sleep....for some of you who are unaware....it is still in the living room. I switch between couch and floor. When I have migraines, the floor helps and being in the living room has reduced my stress by tons. My third son, more astute than some might think because he is a total comedian, asked a couple of days ago if I would remain in the living room when the family arrived for the big graduation. I asked if he was worried about it. He just commented that,"you know, they'll talk about problems in the family." My daughter chimed in and said that it doesn't matter because they are staying at a hotel.....snort. Wise girl. Have thought that myself. So. What will I do? I don't plan on going back to the bedroom. Just can't. Don't think that I could do it physically or emotionally. I don't want to cause harm. I also don't want to live a lie. Guess I'll know when the time comes.
So, off I go to my sleeping time. With my heater on. Trying not to feel guilty. Seriously??? A tiny little heater???? So whack. But I have to keep remembering....and at night when I'm tired, it's the hardest to remember.....I am responsible for what I do with what comes....not for what comes. I keep feeling responsible for how he feels. How he is disappointed. How he wants his needs met. How he dislikes something. But, his issues are his issues. I have to learn this lesson. I have to live in a way that says that if I need a heater on to sleep well then I can have one on. And that if vacations or time away are desperately important to me, then I need to learn to incorporate that into my life.
I do wish that it was different. He has a nice guy persona. Seems so good. But to me....he is mean. And, right now it's harder in that he acts like all is good and that he is happy with me....then tells my kids what he wants or how wrong I am. Blah.
But, strangely....they come and tell me. Go figure. they trust me. Love me. Stand by me. Not because I am better....but because I have let them know me. And have gotten to know them.
And that makes the difference.
Above Water
Some times in life it is enough to simply float...to keep the head above water and rest. Not swim. Not compete. Not give it all. Just wait. Gather strength.
This last few weeks has been really hard for me. Maye it's why I haven't been writing as much. But now I am. I need to still. It's just hard. Hard to wish that I could say something inspiring when all I've got is....not fair not fair not fair. Or it sucks. Or why can't it....
And yet, in the midst of that, I am learning to still be happy. To still be on top of things. To still love.
But I won't be used. Abused. Guilted. But it still happens. I just have to choose how I respond. I can't choose how anyone else behaves, only how I respond. But it's hard. I wish the behavior would change. Would quit driving me to the edge. Would quit hurting me so much. Give me freedom.
But, the best I can do right now is float. So, I will.
This last few weeks has been really hard for me. Maye it's why I haven't been writing as much. But now I am. I need to still. It's just hard. Hard to wish that I could say something inspiring when all I've got is....not fair not fair not fair. Or it sucks. Or why can't it....
And yet, in the midst of that, I am learning to still be happy. To still be on top of things. To still love.
But I won't be used. Abused. Guilted. But it still happens. I just have to choose how I respond. I can't choose how anyone else behaves, only how I respond. But it's hard. I wish the behavior would change. Would quit driving me to the edge. Would quit hurting me so much. Give me freedom.
But, the best I can do right now is float. So, I will.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Getting There
I haven't been able to write for a few days. Some of it is lack of time. Some of it is simply wishing that I could report that all is well. It's not. But, I know that I am getting there personally. Learning much. And, time and prayer are amazing things. So....gotta get walking if I want to "get there."
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Paying Dues
I have been working. And working. And working some more. I have missed things that I wanted to do. I am out of the loop on my "shows". And, I spend so much time in the car that it looks like a locker room/cafeteria. And yet, this isn't about complaining. More, explaining. It's about reminding myself that we all have to "pay our dues" to get to where we want to be. doing these things affords me the opportunity of experience. Of getting back out in the world and seeing what I can do and what I like to do and what I am lousy at doing. It is by no measure an easy time. But it is a good time.
I am remembering who I am and who I can be. Learning what I really don't like. Learning.
Besides for the job, I am learning about paying dues other ways too. I made some grievous errors in life. I allowed things that I should not have. And now I have to "pay the dues" for my mistakes. It's certainly not easy, but again, it's a learning time. One thing that has been deeply on my mind these last couple of days is what makes me feel important....not BE important...but feel it. To be remembered. To be thought of. To be sought out. To have someone be there even if it isn't "necessary". To be heard. Not just listened to. to be shared with. To be given time. For me it's not about fame or being on the stage. It's about those sweet people in my life who make me feel like I matter. The people that I don't have to struggle to have the right thing to share. The people who don't make me jump through hoops. The people who know how very much I want to live in peace.
About 14 years ago, a friend gave me a little note in a really hard time. It read: trust God, trust *******(husband), trust me. And I had that note in the car with me. And I knew that I couldn't do one of them. And I wondered if I would ever feel strong enough and less ashamed to that I would ever be able to tell someone that. because the middle trust was about the one who had pushed me where I was. But I didn't ever talk about that. I simply talked about my part. My responsibility. That seemed right. Looking back, I wonder at what I've done. I could have made it harder for him. Could have kept him from looking as good. Maybe. Probably not. He's the likable one. The talented one. The smart one. But, I could have kept him from thinking that it was ok with me that he would shame me. That he would belittle me in front of his family. That he would...........whatever.
The point is that paying dues is tough. No decision is without repercussions...whether positive or negative. But, what I am learning now is that it is not too late for me to make better decisions.
I'm not sure that anyone else will view them as better. All I know is that my heart is beginning to soar. To believe that happy might REALLY be there for me. Not just keeping someone else happy. Kind of excites me.
Life is hectic. Full. Crazy. But very good. I am blessed beyond what I could imagine. These kids of mine and others too.....they make me learn how to LIVE!!!
I am remembering who I am and who I can be. Learning what I really don't like. Learning.
Besides for the job, I am learning about paying dues other ways too. I made some grievous errors in life. I allowed things that I should not have. And now I have to "pay the dues" for my mistakes. It's certainly not easy, but again, it's a learning time. One thing that has been deeply on my mind these last couple of days is what makes me feel important....not BE important...but feel it. To be remembered. To be thought of. To be sought out. To have someone be there even if it isn't "necessary". To be heard. Not just listened to. to be shared with. To be given time. For me it's not about fame or being on the stage. It's about those sweet people in my life who make me feel like I matter. The people that I don't have to struggle to have the right thing to share. The people who don't make me jump through hoops. The people who know how very much I want to live in peace.
About 14 years ago, a friend gave me a little note in a really hard time. It read: trust God, trust *******(husband), trust me. And I had that note in the car with me. And I knew that I couldn't do one of them. And I wondered if I would ever feel strong enough and less ashamed to that I would ever be able to tell someone that. because the middle trust was about the one who had pushed me where I was. But I didn't ever talk about that. I simply talked about my part. My responsibility. That seemed right. Looking back, I wonder at what I've done. I could have made it harder for him. Could have kept him from looking as good. Maybe. Probably not. He's the likable one. The talented one. The smart one. But, I could have kept him from thinking that it was ok with me that he would shame me. That he would belittle me in front of his family. That he would...........whatever.
The point is that paying dues is tough. No decision is without repercussions...whether positive or negative. But, what I am learning now is that it is not too late for me to make better decisions.
I'm not sure that anyone else will view them as better. All I know is that my heart is beginning to soar. To believe that happy might REALLY be there for me. Not just keeping someone else happy. Kind of excites me.
Life is hectic. Full. Crazy. But very good. I am blessed beyond what I could imagine. These kids of mine and others too.....they make me learn how to LIVE!!!
Monday, May 9, 2011
Strength
I am strong. And courageous. And learning to embrace the fact that though I am those things, sometimes, I am not the right one for the job. Or it's time for me to take a backseat. Turns out it's not as hard as it seems.
Working so much has taught me many things. How to be flexible. How to trust that I can stay awake and can do a good job. How to communicate my needs. How to give myself a break. Even if I only have a few moments.
But I have been strange too. The grief of yesterday kinda seeped into my bones a bit and eeks out when I least expect it. I am tender. I am fragile. And I'm learning that I can be those things WHILE being strong and courageous.
and for now, I am tired. So I will rest and come here again another day.
Be blessed. Know that you are valuable.
Working so much has taught me many things. How to be flexible. How to trust that I can stay awake and can do a good job. How to communicate my needs. How to give myself a break. Even if I only have a few moments.
But I have been strange too. The grief of yesterday kinda seeped into my bones a bit and eeks out when I least expect it. I am tender. I am fragile. And I'm learning that I can be those things WHILE being strong and courageous.
and for now, I am tired. So I will rest and come here again another day.
Be blessed. Know that you are valuable.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Precious Rest
Today my family played baseball. I wanted to and....I didn't. My third son had been talking how his dad raised them to be competitive and how he was going to raise his kids by encouraging them....this all while sitting in church. So, playing is a little hard. Because so often it gets out of hand. And I have been tired. So I laid down on the porch. And I actually was sound asleep. Twas good. Lets me know how very tired I am. But, a lot of emotional weariness too. The two sidedness gets to me.
All in all, it was a blessed, preciously restful, brilliantly sunny, gorgeous day. My kids rock. I missed my mom without falling apart. Got to spend the day with people I love. Got to enjoy good food and sleep. And listening to laughter. I love listening to laughter. Kids and grandkids. Makes me smile deep inside.
A good day. I accept the good in it and I am going to put aside the garbage. His garbage needs to take up less time in my head.
On to living a productive, good week.
All in all, it was a blessed, preciously restful, brilliantly sunny, gorgeous day. My kids rock. I missed my mom without falling apart. Got to spend the day with people I love. Got to enjoy good food and sleep. And listening to laughter. I love listening to laughter. Kids and grandkids. Makes me smile deep inside.
A good day. I accept the good in it and I am going to put aside the garbage. His garbage needs to take up less time in my head.
On to living a productive, good week.
Loving
When I was growing up I didn't know how life would look. Hey, I didn't even know how life SHOULD look. But I had a heart for loving. For embracing life. I was held by an ever loving God who never let go of me. I turned to him when I was just barely 7 years old....it feels like six, but I had gone to camp after my first grade year, so I was seven. I heard a message that said that God loved me. That even if there was only me, He still would have come to earth to let me know how much he loved me. Just me. Even me. And, I walked forward with a group of weepy girls to say yes to His offer to walk with me forever. But, I didn't do it then. I was influenced by the girls. By the emotion. But late that night. In the absolute quiet of the cabin, I asked Him to walk with me. Asked Him to be with me and help me to make it through. I knew that I wouldn't make it. At that very young age life was already so hard that I didn't know how to make it. I knew that it was hard. Mom died. Home life a mess with a step mom and a dad who went away. Scared. Alone. Nightmares. Fears. Troubled. But He heard that little tiny girl voice. He heard. And He answered. He was present. He didn't hand me a list of rules. He didn't try to make me act a certain way. He didn't chastise me for being afraid. He just came. with a powerful sense of peace. Of well being. And I was changed. I was comforted. I was held. I was encouraged.
Life didn't get better. It actually got worse. And worse. And overwhelming. But that day changed what might have been. Because in the place of where there might have been despair there was hope. There was a vision in my soul of what could be. What a good thing that was. Truly good. Blessing. I didn't know that God could actually see me. Could actually feel my pain. But, though I was ignorant, He did all of that.
And He taught me how to love. Rightly and directly. Completely. Wholeheartedly. And all of the places that were broken He mended and made new. He brought people and circumstances that brought joy and peace and a deep sense of well being.
So many things in life are not that way. But, God has been good. He has been faithful. And He will continue to be faithful to my children. Not because they get it or understand it, but because He promised.
Loving. He is. Toward me and through me. I love that. I live because of that. He is. So I can be.
Life didn't get better. It actually got worse. And worse. And overwhelming. But that day changed what might have been. Because in the place of where there might have been despair there was hope. There was a vision in my soul of what could be. What a good thing that was. Truly good. Blessing. I didn't know that God could actually see me. Could actually feel my pain. But, though I was ignorant, He did all of that.
And He taught me how to love. Rightly and directly. Completely. Wholeheartedly. And all of the places that were broken He mended and made new. He brought people and circumstances that brought joy and peace and a deep sense of well being.
So many things in life are not that way. But, God has been good. He has been faithful. And He will continue to be faithful to my children. Not because they get it or understand it, but because He promised.
Loving. He is. Toward me and through me. I love that. I live because of that. He is. So I can be.
Mother's Day
The most wonderful thing and the best decision I've ever made was to become a mother. My kids make me smile. And cry. And laugh. And spew with frustration. My kids have a knack for making me feel everything more deeply than I ever knew that I would be able to. And that makes me blessed. NOt numb or simply existing.
My third son and my daughter got up to cook for me this morning. I did the terrible thing and got up....went up to my son and reached up...way up, actually, and kissed his cheek and told him thank you. Told him I'd be out watering and that he and I could eat out at the picnic table when he was ready. He said that his sister had helped too. So, they came. With the strawberries. Sausage. Pancakes. Yogurt. Grape Juice. Coffee. Napkin. Silverware. AND card. But my son was distressed. He had wanted to do it special for me and he got taken over by his dad. When dad got up he said that he was doing it for everyone. But, we remained on our own at the picnic table. He sipped coffee with me and we laughed and talked. I told him that I was sorry that he felt like his plan was diminished. He made a joke. We nodded in understanding and on will go our day.
After I took my kids to sunday school, I realized that it's just what happened at my birthday with my gift that my second son was getting me. The husband has to be the center. He wants to be the one to get kudos but he doesn't know what to do, so he joins in on their plan. It's backward. Them teaching him. And him taking credit. Instead of him helping them and GIVING them the credit.
Today is a hard day for me. I want to post a pic of my mom but I can't because the scanner isn't working. And, I have one of those strips from a photo booth over 40 years ago. A couple of years before she died. I cried today. Because I looked at it with the eyes of a mama. I have always looked at it with the eyes of a child. But, today, I saw the mama who was having her pic done with her daughter whom she loved. And how she made things special. So, while I dearly celebrate being a mama, I just as dearly mourn having mine. And, when it has been so very long, you can't really explain the empty place, the hole that was never filled, the knowing that there is no mama to run to. No mama to say, "hush, it's gonna' be alright." I've lived so long without her. But even though it has been a huge proportion of my life, the fact that she DID live, DID love me, DID keep me, DID give her all to being my mom.....well, though it was a short time, I know that it changed my life. She did what she could, when she could. She lived while she did. She didn't wait to show me love or to buy me ice cream. She didn't fuss overly much. She took pleasure in me. And there is this little tiny place in my heart that I can go to and remember and draw strength and warmth.
So, though my life isn't turning out how I wished.....I've been thinking....I know my mom would have gotten it. And I have an idea of what she would have said. And I am thankful for that.
My third son and my daughter got up to cook for me this morning. I did the terrible thing and got up....went up to my son and reached up...way up, actually, and kissed his cheek and told him thank you. Told him I'd be out watering and that he and I could eat out at the picnic table when he was ready. He said that his sister had helped too. So, they came. With the strawberries. Sausage. Pancakes. Yogurt. Grape Juice. Coffee. Napkin. Silverware. AND card. But my son was distressed. He had wanted to do it special for me and he got taken over by his dad. When dad got up he said that he was doing it for everyone. But, we remained on our own at the picnic table. He sipped coffee with me and we laughed and talked. I told him that I was sorry that he felt like his plan was diminished. He made a joke. We nodded in understanding and on will go our day.
After I took my kids to sunday school, I realized that it's just what happened at my birthday with my gift that my second son was getting me. The husband has to be the center. He wants to be the one to get kudos but he doesn't know what to do, so he joins in on their plan. It's backward. Them teaching him. And him taking credit. Instead of him helping them and GIVING them the credit.
Today is a hard day for me. I want to post a pic of my mom but I can't because the scanner isn't working. And, I have one of those strips from a photo booth over 40 years ago. A couple of years before she died. I cried today. Because I looked at it with the eyes of a mama. I have always looked at it with the eyes of a child. But, today, I saw the mama who was having her pic done with her daughter whom she loved. And how she made things special. So, while I dearly celebrate being a mama, I just as dearly mourn having mine. And, when it has been so very long, you can't really explain the empty place, the hole that was never filled, the knowing that there is no mama to run to. No mama to say, "hush, it's gonna' be alright." I've lived so long without her. But even though it has been a huge proportion of my life, the fact that she DID live, DID love me, DID keep me, DID give her all to being my mom.....well, though it was a short time, I know that it changed my life. She did what she could, when she could. She lived while she did. She didn't wait to show me love or to buy me ice cream. She didn't fuss overly much. She took pleasure in me. And there is this little tiny place in my heart that I can go to and remember and draw strength and warmth.
So, though my life isn't turning out how I wished.....I've been thinking....I know my mom would have gotten it. And I have an idea of what she would have said. And I am thankful for that.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Change
I am less involved with my husband. I have told him so. Told him exactly what I need. Told him how difficult this is....living like it's ok. How it wears on me. I don't mean being nice. Being nice when together is a good thing. I mean that he behaves as if nothing is wrong. After the nearly five hour event last saturday, last night he comes home and tells me that some friends have in relatives from Peru and that they asked us to come over. I know that I should be happy. I know that I should go. But I will already have put in time at a birthday party....which, I am glad to go to, it's just hard because it's always, "you can sit over there by *husband*." Or questions that are difficult to answer. So, I hesitate.
I won't go tonight, after the party. Pretty sure. Because I just can't do it. I have long hours to work this upcoming week.
The extent of mother's day prep was.......him: what are we doing for mother's day? me: haven't thought about it.
Things have changed though. Inside. Where they have needed to. Ever so often I read this book, "You Can Work it Out." The author has a lot of valid points. However, unfortunately, we fit in an odd category in the book....the "he doesn't want to get better, he wants to continue on in denial." He wants me to keep giving more chances. No matter how it hurts. I know that people around probable wonder why I'm such a bitch to the nice guy.
Something is sooo wrong. All of the things that he knows are a problem when dealing with me...he has switched over towards our kids. Poor things. They get the money lectures. Moreso than before.
I can't wait until vacation. I need away. And, I can't wait for Summer School! I get to teach. I am so excited. "Real" work. I feel all grown up.
After last week's big deal, he is back to calling me dear. aarrgghh. He manipulates well. Scarily so. To look good. To try to convince. Strangely, the one thing he will never do is respect what I ask or need. Nope. He'll act all nice, but the bottom line is that it's still all about him and what he wants and how he wants things to be.
Poor thing. This is all my fault...I did it fir so long. I wanted to. I wanted to be a good wife. This doesn't feel great, but being a good wife does not mean being a real person.
Things have changed. To a degree. Patience. That's what I remind myself.
I won't go tonight, after the party. Pretty sure. Because I just can't do it. I have long hours to work this upcoming week.
The extent of mother's day prep was.......him: what are we doing for mother's day? me: haven't thought about it.
Things have changed though. Inside. Where they have needed to. Ever so often I read this book, "You Can Work it Out." The author has a lot of valid points. However, unfortunately, we fit in an odd category in the book....the "he doesn't want to get better, he wants to continue on in denial." He wants me to keep giving more chances. No matter how it hurts. I know that people around probable wonder why I'm such a bitch to the nice guy.
Something is sooo wrong. All of the things that he knows are a problem when dealing with me...he has switched over towards our kids. Poor things. They get the money lectures. Moreso than before.
I can't wait until vacation. I need away. And, I can't wait for Summer School! I get to teach. I am so excited. "Real" work. I feel all grown up.
After last week's big deal, he is back to calling me dear. aarrgghh. He manipulates well. Scarily so. To look good. To try to convince. Strangely, the one thing he will never do is respect what I ask or need. Nope. He'll act all nice, but the bottom line is that it's still all about him and what he wants and how he wants things to be.
Poor thing. This is all my fault...I did it fir so long. I wanted to. I wanted to be a good wife. This doesn't feel great, but being a good wife does not mean being a real person.
Things have changed. To a degree. Patience. That's what I remind myself.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Stronger
Tonight I went back to work. I faced the people who saw me get reamed out. I accepted their looks of pity. Squeezes on the arm. I convinced a subordinate not to report what she had seen. I stood tall. Kinda. I did my job. I still have things to learn. But, I did it the best I could. At the end of the evening, I had a million things to still do. Same nice guy came and encouraged me. Kindhearted. The hot guy from earlier in the evening encouraged me too....ok, I noticed, but don't worry, I think he's about 20... not really, but quite young. But, I stuck around to get everything knocked out. Then I took a breath. Went to the bosses office. Told him that I forgive him. That I do understand that it happened and that he was sorry. He was so thankful. So nice. He hadn't pushed me. Hadn't manipulated. And when I forgave him he asked if I was sure! He knew that it took something to face him. So different from what I have experienced. Where I have to fight to get an apology or an acceptance that maybe something was wrong. It has to come down to a knock down, drag out and then, after some more time MAYBE an apology....but always to benefit him. To "make things right" so that he's not uncomfortable. Tonight was good for me. It was.....healthy feeling. And I remembered that I can be brave. That I have value. That it's not all my fault. Easy to lose sight of in my situation.
I am stronger. Not as strong as I began, but more than I had become. I am able. I am worth it. At work. At home. With my family. With my coworkers. With my friends. Though I have a hard time realizing it.
Now, let's see if they let me be in charge of a table again...oh well. Doesn't really matter. ;) I will focus on the important things.
I am stronger. Not as strong as I began, but more than I had become. I am able. I am worth it. At work. At home. With my family. With my coworkers. With my friends. Though I have a hard time realizing it.
Now, let's see if they let me be in charge of a table again...oh well. Doesn't really matter. ;) I will focus on the important things.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
In the Way
Can't sleep. Alone in a weird sort of way. I don't mind alone time. Actually, after raising so many kids, I treasure it. But I feel alone in everything. Like I'm all alone dealing with what I know. Like this hurt that has occurred means less because there are no corroborating people to stand up with me and say how I should be treated better. I feel especially alone tonight not because I was yelled at but because that yelling stripped me bare and I feel so needy of being built back up. Of having someone know me and love me and tell me that I'm going to be ok. But, a near stranger did that and that will have to be good enough.
Makes it hard to sleep though. Can't fix it. Refuse to be in the way in someone's late night. The world does not appreciate people who have needs after hours.
So, here I sit. Before the screen. Tears streaming. Shaking and wearing my sweater. Heater going. Waiting until I'll be able to fall asleep. I am so wounded. I know I've said it. Over and over. But it keeps shocking me how deep it is. I always just thought that this is how things were. That I was doing what should be expected. But now....now, I wish that I had listened to those doubts. To those questions. Because I've have gone down a long road and it's going to take awhile to get back.
But I will. I know it.
Makes it hard to sleep though. Can't fix it. Refuse to be in the way in someone's late night. The world does not appreciate people who have needs after hours.
So, here I sit. Before the screen. Tears streaming. Shaking and wearing my sweater. Heater going. Waiting until I'll be able to fall asleep. I am so wounded. I know I've said it. Over and over. But it keeps shocking me how deep it is. I always just thought that this is how things were. That I was doing what should be expected. But now....now, I wish that I had listened to those doubts. To those questions. Because I've have gone down a long road and it's going to take awhile to get back.
But I will. I know it.
Shock and Pain
I was at work tonight. Big surprise there...seeing as how I'm at work most of the hours in a day recently. But, it had been a kind of crazy evening. We were scoring tests. Got to the end about ten minutes before close. My boss said have them do their computer time sheet for 1030. We are at the end. So, I did. It was about 1020 when the next boss up came up behind me unexpectedly, while I was getting the last of my computer work done. He said, "where are your people?" I responded that they had done their time sheets and gone. He shook. He turned purple. He said, "I am VERY ANGRY!!!" And went on from there. Spittle was flying. I apologized. I said that I didn't know that they were supposed to stay if we had scored out an item. We aren't trained on anything else. There was nothing else left to do. My table wasn't the only one gone. Nor, even the first. And he stopped. He realized that he had blown a gasket. And, realized that they were allowed to go.
But, I am not ok. Not because of him. Because it was the thing that threw me over. That brought that huge pain up. The pain of being blindsided when I think that I'm doing an ok job. Of being made to feel less than enough when I think that I am doing well. It knocked me down. And I didn't just tear up. I bawled. I went outside. But I had to go back in to finish my paperwork. A really great guy reminded me that it's a temp job. Told me to drive fast and then go home and have a glass of wine. And his kindness. His standing there and knowing that I was hurting. His attention when he barely knows me. Made my heart break more. The guy who screamed at me....I don't usually cry. But he hit that nerve that is so raw. The one that threatens to undo me. The one place that has to remain protected these days or my world falls apart. He hit that weak place that has been made by my husband. and it killed me to know how raw it is. How vulnerable that part of me is. How tender I am. How deeply he has wounded me that it would even be an issue. Killer.
My jaw is tight. The tears only well up now. He did come to apologize. I couldn't even speak. Literally. I sobbed. Tried to say that I was embarrassed because I don't usually cry. Probably thinks I have PMS. Snort. Not so. Just THS....tender heart syndrome. I have been deeply hurt. Nobody will probably ever see how my husband has taken away a part of me that was brave and able. Most people never even got to know her. But I know. And re-entering the world is picking at all of those sore spots. Exposing the places that he has made weak.
I want to be strong. I am strong. Even if I bawled.
What a jerk. Hurting isn't ok. Being mean isn't ok. Guilting isn't ok. Being a jackass isn't ok. But, I have given him permission to be that in my life by not stopping it. Though stopping it is hard. By not removing myself from his behavior.
So, I'm totally weary tonight. Totally alone. But, hey, at least I don't have to make it all good for someone else.
I have to say that I came the very closest I have ever come when in such a predicament to reaching out and going to a friends.....drove there on my way home. But it's really late. Everyone works and has school tomorrow. I stopped. I couldn't go in. I mean, what could you possibly say? I'm a big baby and I just don't want to be alone although there is really nothing life threatening or anything......I couldn't do it. But, for one of the first times, I saw that maybe I will be able to do it someday.
So used to hiding the crap. To holding it in. Tomorrow all will know I got yelled at but they won't know that the screaming itself wasn't what did me in. And, I'm pretty sure that telling would be tacky. Wrong. But I still wish that I had family.
A really cool thing happened today. Someone wrote on my facebook and complimented me. And then sent me a nice ecard. Totally out of the blue. Twas loverly. Blessed me. And I had....and still have....a hard time believing that it was meant for me. Like it was a mistake or something.
But, I am not ok. Not because of him. Because it was the thing that threw me over. That brought that huge pain up. The pain of being blindsided when I think that I'm doing an ok job. Of being made to feel less than enough when I think that I am doing well. It knocked me down. And I didn't just tear up. I bawled. I went outside. But I had to go back in to finish my paperwork. A really great guy reminded me that it's a temp job. Told me to drive fast and then go home and have a glass of wine. And his kindness. His standing there and knowing that I was hurting. His attention when he barely knows me. Made my heart break more. The guy who screamed at me....I don't usually cry. But he hit that nerve that is so raw. The one that threatens to undo me. The one place that has to remain protected these days or my world falls apart. He hit that weak place that has been made by my husband. and it killed me to know how raw it is. How vulnerable that part of me is. How tender I am. How deeply he has wounded me that it would even be an issue. Killer.
My jaw is tight. The tears only well up now. He did come to apologize. I couldn't even speak. Literally. I sobbed. Tried to say that I was embarrassed because I don't usually cry. Probably thinks I have PMS. Snort. Not so. Just THS....tender heart syndrome. I have been deeply hurt. Nobody will probably ever see how my husband has taken away a part of me that was brave and able. Most people never even got to know her. But I know. And re-entering the world is picking at all of those sore spots. Exposing the places that he has made weak.
I want to be strong. I am strong. Even if I bawled.
What a jerk. Hurting isn't ok. Being mean isn't ok. Guilting isn't ok. Being a jackass isn't ok. But, I have given him permission to be that in my life by not stopping it. Though stopping it is hard. By not removing myself from his behavior.
So, I'm totally weary tonight. Totally alone. But, hey, at least I don't have to make it all good for someone else.
I have to say that I came the very closest I have ever come when in such a predicament to reaching out and going to a friends.....drove there on my way home. But it's really late. Everyone works and has school tomorrow. I stopped. I couldn't go in. I mean, what could you possibly say? I'm a big baby and I just don't want to be alone although there is really nothing life threatening or anything......I couldn't do it. But, for one of the first times, I saw that maybe I will be able to do it someday.
So used to hiding the crap. To holding it in. Tomorrow all will know I got yelled at but they won't know that the screaming itself wasn't what did me in. And, I'm pretty sure that telling would be tacky. Wrong. But I still wish that I had family.
A really cool thing happened today. Someone wrote on my facebook and complimented me. And then sent me a nice ecard. Totally out of the blue. Twas loverly. Blessed me. And I had....and still have....a hard time believing that it was meant for me. Like it was a mistake or something.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
A Slap in the Face
Gardening is something I really enjoy. Or, at least used to. I'm sure that I will again. But, right now, I am completely frustrated. My husband allows his chickens to eat my plants, dig up the seedlings and roam wherever they choose. Except, now, he has decided to have a garden of his own. With his own mulch/compost and a fence he built to go around it. It is indicative of our marriage. I get no support for what I am trying to do, but he goes to others and makes a big deal of how he is making a garden and how should he do it and blah blah blah. What a total meanie head. No caring for what I love, but always has a way to steal it. To compete. To have to do better or more or whatever. And I wonder. How in the world will it ever get better? The only way I have ever been able to keep it together is to praise him and go on about what he does. Point it out to others and boost his ego. Not willing anymore. I could barely choke back my comments about gardening today. Really hurts me. That for so long I have begged to have the ability to garden without the trouble of his chickens. But he simply hasn't cared. Oh, have to say....flowers are not responsible and practical. He made a big point of how HE was planting veggies. Crazy! I was planning a veggie garden this year.....but he wouldn't take the tiller in to be repaired. Made it such a big deal that I gave it up. But now he's going to have a garden of his own. On my land. Jerk.
Today was a nice day of celebration. And today was one of the very hardest days I've had in a very long time. And I walked into my church and realized that I should begin at a new church. Hard to do. Want so very desperately to be with my kids. So badly that I tremble. And cry. But sitting and worshiping with someone who is so unkind to me and then who turns around and acts so wonderful is really hard.
Last night was killer. My whole body is still in shock. Like I can hardly believe it. The words. The attitude. The idea that I am a drain to him financially. I want him out. I want to provide for the kids and I. He can go take his cash and have a good time. He can hire a housekeeper and a girlfriend. He can do as he pleases. He always has anyway. And he can be responsible for his own decisions and actions.......and quit blaming me. I bought clothes way back when I began working. Needed them. Planned on paying them off on my Kohl's card. He intercepted the bill. Paid it and has been fuming about it ever since. He is really pissed that I don't have a paper statement of my bank account sent to the house. That he has no access. That I didn't budge and say that I was sorry. I'm not. He has two accounts that I don't access. And he said that I could because he has to keep taking money from them to put in our checking and that's how I could access them. He has all that he needs. He always wants more. He wants us to be more frugal. If we buy used, we should buy less used. If we buy less, we should buy cheaper. It's just incessant. I can't do it. I like a bargain. But this constant badgering and belittling simply has a reverse effect: I want to spend my money as I choose. I don't want to answer to him. I have never made him answer to me. He has no trust. He is jealous of anything that anyone else gets....food, candy, book, gum, snack, gatorade, clothes, whatever. And always wants to knwo how.
He has pushed his kids away. But talks about being a good father. Doesn't even get that they do things with him still because I push it. I still try to make it happen. I really do hate seeing him hurt. They stick together to do things. Tonight, one of my sons almost ended up at basketball without any of the others. He was really upset. I got another to go. Sad.
He might be good with someone else. I think that everyone else adores him. I sit with our friends/family and see how polite and nice they are and think.....I am going to be the one all alone. And, I go in the bathroom and cry. How sad that is. Because he's not very nice about others. But I will never make them take sides. I will never try to win them over. But it's all that I can do sometimes. Today I almost blurted out about my jackass post.....but then i remembered. I tuck it away.
Someone was making fun of my painful places today. I was brave. I said to stop. To leave it alone. To not talk about it. Because making fun doesn't make me feel better. And the person didn't know me well enough to be saying what she was.
And still, the person who was so "very concerned" has not written me back since I said that going out to coffee isn't a great idea since there are things I am not able to talk about. I knew it would come. Not all people are oblivious.
My pastor's wives hardly talk to me anymore. I'm sure that they notice. I just take a deep breath these days and decide that it's ok. Nobody else has to understand. Nobody has to be on my side. Nobody has to see me. But I do. I have to see me. I have to understand what is happening. And I have to advocate for myself.
Alone. Not going to pull anyone down. There are moments that I wish that I were the popular one. The one that is so charming. Instead, I'm the one who isn't. I'm just who I am. Nothing spectacular. Not noteworthy. Not particularly special. And people know that. They wonder how I got someone like him to marry me. Damned if I know. Guess I was just lucky. The weight settles in as I sit here in the dark, hunkered down, trying to get warm, trying not to shake. There's nobody to tell me that it will be alright. Nobody to write me encouraging words. Nobody to see how deeply wounded I am. And evenso.....I prefer that to what I have been living with. It is a walk in the park in comparison to my married life. That lets me know more than anything else how much I have given up.
His words, his actions....they slap me in the face every day. Maybe it makes him feel more manly.
Today was a nice day of celebration. And today was one of the very hardest days I've had in a very long time. And I walked into my church and realized that I should begin at a new church. Hard to do. Want so very desperately to be with my kids. So badly that I tremble. And cry. But sitting and worshiping with someone who is so unkind to me and then who turns around and acts so wonderful is really hard.
Last night was killer. My whole body is still in shock. Like I can hardly believe it. The words. The attitude. The idea that I am a drain to him financially. I want him out. I want to provide for the kids and I. He can go take his cash and have a good time. He can hire a housekeeper and a girlfriend. He can do as he pleases. He always has anyway. And he can be responsible for his own decisions and actions.......and quit blaming me. I bought clothes way back when I began working. Needed them. Planned on paying them off on my Kohl's card. He intercepted the bill. Paid it and has been fuming about it ever since. He is really pissed that I don't have a paper statement of my bank account sent to the house. That he has no access. That I didn't budge and say that I was sorry. I'm not. He has two accounts that I don't access. And he said that I could because he has to keep taking money from them to put in our checking and that's how I could access them. He has all that he needs. He always wants more. He wants us to be more frugal. If we buy used, we should buy less used. If we buy less, we should buy cheaper. It's just incessant. I can't do it. I like a bargain. But this constant badgering and belittling simply has a reverse effect: I want to spend my money as I choose. I don't want to answer to him. I have never made him answer to me. He has no trust. He is jealous of anything that anyone else gets....food, candy, book, gum, snack, gatorade, clothes, whatever. And always wants to knwo how.
He has pushed his kids away. But talks about being a good father. Doesn't even get that they do things with him still because I push it. I still try to make it happen. I really do hate seeing him hurt. They stick together to do things. Tonight, one of my sons almost ended up at basketball without any of the others. He was really upset. I got another to go. Sad.
He might be good with someone else. I think that everyone else adores him. I sit with our friends/family and see how polite and nice they are and think.....I am going to be the one all alone. And, I go in the bathroom and cry. How sad that is. Because he's not very nice about others. But I will never make them take sides. I will never try to win them over. But it's all that I can do sometimes. Today I almost blurted out about my jackass post.....but then i remembered. I tuck it away.
Someone was making fun of my painful places today. I was brave. I said to stop. To leave it alone. To not talk about it. Because making fun doesn't make me feel better. And the person didn't know me well enough to be saying what she was.
And still, the person who was so "very concerned" has not written me back since I said that going out to coffee isn't a great idea since there are things I am not able to talk about. I knew it would come. Not all people are oblivious.
My pastor's wives hardly talk to me anymore. I'm sure that they notice. I just take a deep breath these days and decide that it's ok. Nobody else has to understand. Nobody has to be on my side. Nobody has to see me. But I do. I have to see me. I have to understand what is happening. And I have to advocate for myself.
Alone. Not going to pull anyone down. There are moments that I wish that I were the popular one. The one that is so charming. Instead, I'm the one who isn't. I'm just who I am. Nothing spectacular. Not noteworthy. Not particularly special. And people know that. They wonder how I got someone like him to marry me. Damned if I know. Guess I was just lucky. The weight settles in as I sit here in the dark, hunkered down, trying to get warm, trying not to shake. There's nobody to tell me that it will be alright. Nobody to write me encouraging words. Nobody to see how deeply wounded I am. And evenso.....I prefer that to what I have been living with. It is a walk in the park in comparison to my married life. That lets me know more than anything else how much I have given up.
His words, his actions....they slap me in the face every day. Maybe it makes him feel more manly.
Donkeys Cont.
So, maybe the reason that some jackasses are reformable is because though they look like jackasses on the outside, they are actually horses on the inside? And, over time they learn to curb the jackass tendencies that they picked up along the way. What I am learning though is that you are what you are on the inside. And you act on how you actually feel and think...not how you ought to and not how others would benefit.
My husband talks about how he was raised believing he was better than other people. He still does. He behaves that way all of the time. Oh, he might cover it over and make nice. Might say it in spiritual tones. Might say...ok, did say...."that is something I struggle with..." and what I have to say is, "you are not struggling with it at all. You embrace it. You live it. You choose it. And, you choose to throw me to the wolves whenever given the chance to look good yourself."
I know some who are jackasses inside and out. You can spot them from a mile away. You know exactly what to expect. It can even, in very few, but sometimes, be a little bit endearing. But the hidden jackasses are scary. They might be at church. Holding good jobs. Important in the community. Athletic. Busy. Gregarious. Like to be in the spotlight. Funny. Until you have time to find out. Until you live it. And they stay covered because they are very superficial about the really important things. Good with creeds. With rules. With expectations of all. They act like they are easily wounded. Always wondering why the good guy never gets the girl. Why the good guy is so mistreated. I'm starting to understand why.
Those "good guys" that are whining like that are often jackasses in disguise. You might have to listen closely, but they bray, not whinny. And they have only one agenda in life....theirs. Couched in being spiritual, responsible, good, and committed.....with no thought for the others around. Just how they look. What they have done. What they deserve. What they need. What they want.
I'll say, those hours of rest yesterday were completely negated by my own personal jackass. Today, I am more tired than ever. Having trouble functioning. And in about an hour and a half, I have to be ok for my kids. So, maybe a little nap, if I can. And maybe a way to flee after that. Because I need out for awhile.
He knows I have no place to go. Knows I'm stuck. Knows that I can't physically remove him from the premises. And if I try to make him leave, I know that he is going to go on about how wounded and injured he is and how he doesn't understand. Victimized again. The nice guy. Just trying to do his best by his family. She just became unreasonable. I don't understand what she is thinking. Everything was fine. I can hear it all. And I cringe. Because everyone will buy it. And still, I will be alone. No family to come to my rescue. No caretakers to help to hold me up. But, hey, at least I won't be trying to hold him up too.
I know that it's not nice. I know that it's not the christian thing. When I pray, I feel peaceful. When I read and listen, I hear of a God who forgives all of my sins. Past. Present. Future. But, I am walking into the world's unforgivable area. Too bad for me. But, I still believe. And I still love them. They just are doing what they think will be best. Nobody to talk to. No mama. No sister. Wow. Kinda sucks. But not as much as having to live with someone who is a complete and total jackass. Because THAT is killing me. Literally, I think. If I don't get out, I'm afraid I won't make it. So, I guess the risk will be worth it.
My husband talks about how he was raised believing he was better than other people. He still does. He behaves that way all of the time. Oh, he might cover it over and make nice. Might say it in spiritual tones. Might say...ok, did say...."that is something I struggle with..." and what I have to say is, "you are not struggling with it at all. You embrace it. You live it. You choose it. And, you choose to throw me to the wolves whenever given the chance to look good yourself."
I know some who are jackasses inside and out. You can spot them from a mile away. You know exactly what to expect. It can even, in very few, but sometimes, be a little bit endearing. But the hidden jackasses are scary. They might be at church. Holding good jobs. Important in the community. Athletic. Busy. Gregarious. Like to be in the spotlight. Funny. Until you have time to find out. Until you live it. And they stay covered because they are very superficial about the really important things. Good with creeds. With rules. With expectations of all. They act like they are easily wounded. Always wondering why the good guy never gets the girl. Why the good guy is so mistreated. I'm starting to understand why.
Those "good guys" that are whining like that are often jackasses in disguise. You might have to listen closely, but they bray, not whinny. And they have only one agenda in life....theirs. Couched in being spiritual, responsible, good, and committed.....with no thought for the others around. Just how they look. What they have done. What they deserve. What they need. What they want.
I'll say, those hours of rest yesterday were completely negated by my own personal jackass. Today, I am more tired than ever. Having trouble functioning. And in about an hour and a half, I have to be ok for my kids. So, maybe a little nap, if I can. And maybe a way to flee after that. Because I need out for awhile.
He knows I have no place to go. Knows I'm stuck. Knows that I can't physically remove him from the premises. And if I try to make him leave, I know that he is going to go on about how wounded and injured he is and how he doesn't understand. Victimized again. The nice guy. Just trying to do his best by his family. She just became unreasonable. I don't understand what she is thinking. Everything was fine. I can hear it all. And I cringe. Because everyone will buy it. And still, I will be alone. No family to come to my rescue. No caretakers to help to hold me up. But, hey, at least I won't be trying to hold him up too.
I know that it's not nice. I know that it's not the christian thing. When I pray, I feel peaceful. When I read and listen, I hear of a God who forgives all of my sins. Past. Present. Future. But, I am walking into the world's unforgivable area. Too bad for me. But, I still believe. And I still love them. They just are doing what they think will be best. Nobody to talk to. No mama. No sister. Wow. Kinda sucks. But not as much as having to live with someone who is a complete and total jackass. Because THAT is killing me. Literally, I think. If I don't get out, I'm afraid I won't make it. So, I guess the risk will be worth it.
Donkeys
Jackasses come in different sizes, shapes, ages and colors. Their bray can sound different. But, they are all jackasses. No, I don't mean all men...just the mean ones. They have a self centered core. Their vision rarely includes anything but themselves. They can make nice. They can seem charming and wonderful. But, they can be jackasses just as surely as though who let their jackass selves show. Jackasses are willful. Stubborn. Don't consider anyone else. They have a knack for making what could be a simple thing a trauma. Stressful. They pull and fight. while they can be useful and strong, those attributes are overshadowed by the great amount of work and suffering that is involved in trying to get anything done with them. There are a few that tame jackasses. I wish that I had been one. I guess. I really gave it my best shot. But I guess I thought I had a horse and I got a jackass instead.
Here it is Sunday morning and I am alone. Tears flowing down my face. All I want is to take a breath that doesn't involve worry.
He asks, "why now?" Because I held on, tried, worked, forgave, overlooked, served, laughed, made excuses, and submitted as long as I could......and now I just can't anymore. I didn't put that to words. Because it's hard when being pressured. Pushed. Troubled. Accused yet again of being the irresponsible one. Not accused...stated factually. But I didn't really fight. But I didn't hide too much either. I said the hard things. As calmly as I could. I wish we could part as friends. Seems stupid to not be able to salvage some good.
A sometimes friend recently started emailing me, facebooking me....calling me...she has never called me before...she is "concerned for me". Hoping that I'm keeping my faith at my core. When I wrote back that I am healing and asked her why she is concerned, she never wrote back. It was all, "we need to have coffee. We should talk." and she's a really nice person. One I like a lot. So, it hurts that somehow my name has come up and I'm going to be set on the right track. Lucky me. I've been waiting for the right track....but what nobody knows is that this is totally the wrong track.
Looks like a horse. Has the heart of a jackass. Dangerous.
Here it is Sunday morning and I am alone. Tears flowing down my face. All I want is to take a breath that doesn't involve worry.
He asks, "why now?" Because I held on, tried, worked, forgave, overlooked, served, laughed, made excuses, and submitted as long as I could......and now I just can't anymore. I didn't put that to words. Because it's hard when being pressured. Pushed. Troubled. Accused yet again of being the irresponsible one. Not accused...stated factually. But I didn't really fight. But I didn't hide too much either. I said the hard things. As calmly as I could. I wish we could part as friends. Seems stupid to not be able to salvage some good.
A sometimes friend recently started emailing me, facebooking me....calling me...she has never called me before...she is "concerned for me". Hoping that I'm keeping my faith at my core. When I wrote back that I am healing and asked her why she is concerned, she never wrote back. It was all, "we need to have coffee. We should talk." and she's a really nice person. One I like a lot. So, it hurts that somehow my name has come up and I'm going to be set on the right track. Lucky me. I've been waiting for the right track....but what nobody knows is that this is totally the wrong track.
Looks like a horse. Has the heart of a jackass. Dangerous.
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