Gardening is something I really enjoy. Or, at least used to. I'm sure that I will again. But, right now, I am completely frustrated. My husband allows his chickens to eat my plants, dig up the seedlings and roam wherever they choose. Except, now, he has decided to have a garden of his own. With his own mulch/compost and a fence he built to go around it. It is indicative of our marriage. I get no support for what I am trying to do, but he goes to others and makes a big deal of how he is making a garden and how should he do it and blah blah blah. What a total meanie head. No caring for what I love, but always has a way to steal it. To compete. To have to do better or more or whatever. And I wonder. How in the world will it ever get better? The only way I have ever been able to keep it together is to praise him and go on about what he does. Point it out to others and boost his ego. Not willing anymore. I could barely choke back my comments about gardening today. Really hurts me. That for so long I have begged to have the ability to garden without the trouble of his chickens. But he simply hasn't cared. Oh, have to say....flowers are not responsible and practical. He made a big point of how HE was planting veggies. Crazy! I was planning a veggie garden this year.....but he wouldn't take the tiller in to be repaired. Made it such a big deal that I gave it up. But now he's going to have a garden of his own. On my land. Jerk.
Today was a nice day of celebration. And today was one of the very hardest days I've had in a very long time. And I walked into my church and realized that I should begin at a new church. Hard to do. Want so very desperately to be with my kids. So badly that I tremble. And cry. But sitting and worshiping with someone who is so unkind to me and then who turns around and acts so wonderful is really hard.
Last night was killer. My whole body is still in shock. Like I can hardly believe it. The words. The attitude. The idea that I am a drain to him financially. I want him out. I want to provide for the kids and I. He can go take his cash and have a good time. He can hire a housekeeper and a girlfriend. He can do as he pleases. He always has anyway. And he can be responsible for his own decisions and actions.......and quit blaming me. I bought clothes way back when I began working. Needed them. Planned on paying them off on my Kohl's card. He intercepted the bill. Paid it and has been fuming about it ever since. He is really pissed that I don't have a paper statement of my bank account sent to the house. That he has no access. That I didn't budge and say that I was sorry. I'm not. He has two accounts that I don't access. And he said that I could because he has to keep taking money from them to put in our checking and that's how I could access them. He has all that he needs. He always wants more. He wants us to be more frugal. If we buy used, we should buy less used. If we buy less, we should buy cheaper. It's just incessant. I can't do it. I like a bargain. But this constant badgering and belittling simply has a reverse effect: I want to spend my money as I choose. I don't want to answer to him. I have never made him answer to me. He has no trust. He is jealous of anything that anyone else gets....food, candy, book, gum, snack, gatorade, clothes, whatever. And always wants to knwo how.
He has pushed his kids away. But talks about being a good father. Doesn't even get that they do things with him still because I push it. I still try to make it happen. I really do hate seeing him hurt. They stick together to do things. Tonight, one of my sons almost ended up at basketball without any of the others. He was really upset. I got another to go. Sad.
He might be good with someone else. I think that everyone else adores him. I sit with our friends/family and see how polite and nice they are and think.....I am going to be the one all alone. And, I go in the bathroom and cry. How sad that is. Because he's not very nice about others. But I will never make them take sides. I will never try to win them over. But it's all that I can do sometimes. Today I almost blurted out about my jackass post.....but then i remembered. I tuck it away.
Someone was making fun of my painful places today. I was brave. I said to stop. To leave it alone. To not talk about it. Because making fun doesn't make me feel better. And the person didn't know me well enough to be saying what she was.
And still, the person who was so "very concerned" has not written me back since I said that going out to coffee isn't a great idea since there are things I am not able to talk about. I knew it would come. Not all people are oblivious.
My pastor's wives hardly talk to me anymore. I'm sure that they notice. I just take a deep breath these days and decide that it's ok. Nobody else has to understand. Nobody has to be on my side. Nobody has to see me. But I do. I have to see me. I have to understand what is happening. And I have to advocate for myself.
Alone. Not going to pull anyone down. There are moments that I wish that I were the popular one. The one that is so charming. Instead, I'm the one who isn't. I'm just who I am. Nothing spectacular. Not noteworthy. Not particularly special. And people know that. They wonder how I got someone like him to marry me. Damned if I know. Guess I was just lucky. The weight settles in as I sit here in the dark, hunkered down, trying to get warm, trying not to shake. There's nobody to tell me that it will be alright. Nobody to write me encouraging words. Nobody to see how deeply wounded I am. And evenso.....I prefer that to what I have been living with. It is a walk in the park in comparison to my married life. That lets me know more than anything else how much I have given up.
His words, his actions....they slap me in the face every day. Maybe it makes him feel more manly.
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