A Good Neighbor

There has been an auction sign up on the outskirts of my neighborhood for a few days.  But, no directions or address.  So, I was waiting to find out who was having the auction.  Then, the morning, fairly early, considering how I went to bed so very late, I saw the sign across the street pointing in the direction of the sale.  I jumped in my car.  I followed the signs.  And, it was a woman's house whom I have gotten to know a bit over the years.  Her husband has died of pancreatic cancer.  She is moving.  She cried.  I cried.  I held this lady like I would if it was my mama.  I think.  Since I don't have a mama to prove it with.....but, still, the empathy was so huge.  That she was alone.  That she has to do this hard thing right on top of her husband dying.  That she doesn't know where she is going.  That she was still sssooo sweet.  And, that today, on her very hard day, she was being taken out by her girlfriends.  Those ladies that you would see her outside with.  That she had never had the tea party for that she wanted to.  That she was exhibiting grace even in the midst of her pain. 
I am so glad that I awakened early.  So glad that I got to see her.  Got to know her.  So glad that I was privileged to see glimpses of someone. 
But, it also got me thinking.  I don't know if I can explain it, but I feel badly because there is this place within me that knows that our relationship is not like that.  The connection is not there that would make me feel as if I was bereft.  I mean, I know that I would miss him.  I'm not a total jerk.  But, when my grandpa died it was different than when my grandma died.  Though I loved both of them.  It was different because when my grandpa died I knew that I had lost someone in my life who understood me or at least tried to.  Who valued me.  Who thought that who I was mattered.  You see, what I realized is that I never get that from my husband.  And, though I could and would miss him, it wouldn't be that heartbreaking something missing that pulls out a piece of the heart.  I know that I tried for that kind of relationship.  But, I have never been enough to be that woman to him.  I don't know that anyone would be, but I know that I am not. 
These thoughts are sobering to me.  Sad.  I tried really hard.  Stupidly so in some ways.  I thought that if I did the right things, behave the right way, had the right thoughts, or whatever else there could be, that he would value me.  Note, I am not saying that he doesn't love.  Nor that he doesn't care.  In his very own way he does.  But it is always about him.  Always about understanding him.  There has never been a time when he could see me as someone who was totally worth it.  Just like I am.  And, for this, he lost the real me.  But he didn't even notice.  That is what gets me.  That he could not notice.  Sad.  But what hurts me most is that I allowed so many really bad things because I still craved that kind of acceptance.  But, now, I am learning to try to be who I am.   Though there's no coach, no cheerleaders.  I have no family encouraging me on.  I don't tell my kids, of course.  But God himself has encouraged and guided.  And will continue to guide.  I like that.