In the Way

Can't sleep.  Alone in a weird sort of way.  I don't mind alone time.  Actually, after raising so many kids, I treasure it.  But I feel alone in everything.  Like I'm all alone dealing with what I know.  Like this hurt that has occurred means less because there are no corroborating people to stand up with me and say how I should be treated better.  I feel especially alone tonight not because I was yelled at but because that yelling stripped me bare and I feel so needy of being built back up.  Of having someone know me and love me and tell me that I'm going to be ok.  But, a near stranger did that and that will have to be good enough.
Makes it hard to sleep though.  Can't fix it.  Refuse to be in the way in someone's late night.  The world does not appreciate people who have needs after hours. 
So, here I sit.  Before the screen.  Tears streaming.  Shaking and wearing my sweater.  Heater going.  Waiting until I'll be able to fall asleep.  I am so wounded.  I know I've said it.  Over and over.  But it keeps shocking me how deep it is.  I always just thought that this is how things were.  That I was doing what should be expected.  But now....now, I wish that I had listened to those doubts.  To those questions.  Because I've have gone down a long road and it's going to take awhile to get back.
But I will.  I know it.