So, maybe the reason that some jackasses are reformable is because though they look like jackasses on the outside, they are actually horses on the inside? And, over time they learn to curb the jackass tendencies that they picked up along the way. What I am learning though is that you are what you are on the inside. And you act on how you actually feel and think...not how you ought to and not how others would benefit.
My husband talks about how he was raised believing he was better than other people. He still does. He behaves that way all of the time. Oh, he might cover it over and make nice. Might say it in spiritual tones. Might say...ok, did say...."that is something I struggle with..." and what I have to say is, "you are not struggling with it at all. You embrace it. You live it. You choose it. And, you choose to throw me to the wolves whenever given the chance to look good yourself."
I know some who are jackasses inside and out. You can spot them from a mile away. You know exactly what to expect. It can even, in very few, but sometimes, be a little bit endearing. But the hidden jackasses are scary. They might be at church. Holding good jobs. Important in the community. Athletic. Busy. Gregarious. Like to be in the spotlight. Funny. Until you have time to find out. Until you live it. And they stay covered because they are very superficial about the really important things. Good with creeds. With rules. With expectations of all. They act like they are easily wounded. Always wondering why the good guy never gets the girl. Why the good guy is so mistreated. I'm starting to understand why.
Those "good guys" that are whining like that are often jackasses in disguise. You might have to listen closely, but they bray, not whinny. And they have only one agenda in life....theirs. Couched in being spiritual, responsible, good, and committed.....with no thought for the others around. Just how they look. What they have done. What they deserve. What they need. What they want.
I'll say, those hours of rest yesterday were completely negated by my own personal jackass. Today, I am more tired than ever. Having trouble functioning. And in about an hour and a half, I have to be ok for my kids. So, maybe a little nap, if I can. And maybe a way to flee after that. Because I need out for awhile.
He knows I have no place to go. Knows I'm stuck. Knows that I can't physically remove him from the premises. And if I try to make him leave, I know that he is going to go on about how wounded and injured he is and how he doesn't understand. Victimized again. The nice guy. Just trying to do his best by his family. She just became unreasonable. I don't understand what she is thinking. Everything was fine. I can hear it all. And I cringe. Because everyone will buy it. And still, I will be alone. No family to come to my rescue. No caretakers to help to hold me up. But, hey, at least I won't be trying to hold him up too.
I know that it's not nice. I know that it's not the christian thing. When I pray, I feel peaceful. When I read and listen, I hear of a God who forgives all of my sins. Past. Present. Future. But, I am walking into the world's unforgivable area. Too bad for me. But, I still believe. And I still love them. They just are doing what they think will be best. Nobody to talk to. No mama. No sister. Wow. Kinda sucks. But not as much as having to live with someone who is a complete and total jackass. Because THAT is killing me. Literally, I think. If I don't get out, I'm afraid I won't make it. So, I guess the risk will be worth it.
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