happiness and courage

this is so true for me.

i spent many years

hearing how 

i didn't need to be happy.

that being happy was selfish.

that happy wasn't

what it was about.

unless he wasn't happy.

because believe me

he wanted to be happy.

to be comfortable.

to have what he needed

for his soul 

and for his self.

but for me, 

it wasn't supposed to be.

and i learned to squish down

what i wanted

what i felt

what i needed.

until i realized that the more i gave, the more he took.

and finally,

courage kicked in.

and learning to see what makes me happy

is a form of that courage.

and not being ashamed of that is part of it too.

blessings.

incorporating pain....getting healthy

nuff said, 

right?

healing

this is where i am

have faced truth

now the fixing 

what is broken

and learning how to heal

it is 

hard work

it takes emotional

and physical

energy.

that's probably why i'm

so tired.

gnight.

take care of you.

anger?  mostly it was pain.

but letting go of that is 

important too.

i am so tired tonight

paying for last night's

courage.

then up late.

then awakened early.

by my navy reserve recruit

who texted at 4:30 am.

then worked all day.

and then dinner.  

and make pillows.

and spend time at friend's house introducing

dog to their dogs

to be ready for vacation.

pick up boy.

run errands.  

exhausted.

but need time here to be quiet 

and rest

before sleeping.

and the thing about the above quote that got me?

some people aren't capable of love.

because he needs.

he wants.

he desires.

he gets jealous.

he owns.

but really, he doesn't love.

he uses his kids as trophies.

likes them to make him proud.

make him look good.

too tired to dwell too much on it.

but, turns out i almost 

ran into him at a friend's house.

wonder when 

i'll be able to be out of that time?

he has everyone

i have.

i'm so done with that.

blech.

but, that's probably the tired talking.

but....

somehow, 

i do need to be allowed to take care of me.

gnight.

blessings.

Goal

I am learning that I don't want to be ashamed.  

That I don't have to feel shame.

But, often I do.

Like a failure.

But when I really stop.

And take the time.

And look.

I know.

Know that what I've chosen.

Has taken courage.

And hope. 

And truthfulness.

Sure, I'm sad.

Sure, I wish it had been different.

But my hopes

and prayers

and desires

and wishes

and trying

and giving

and believing

never made it different.

It only made me different.

Made me incapable 

of living life full out.

And I am starting again.

Not easy.

But possible.

And I am going to learn to hold my heard up.

Not just outwardly...

but in my mind and heart too.

To believe that I am worth it.

Tonight I attended 

a party for a very special young lady.

I wouldn't have wanted to miss it.

But the ex was going too.

And it has been trauma 

and drama

in my heart.

Fear.

Discomfort.

I wish that I could

just talk like a normal person.

Not worry about what he is doing.

Or thinking.

Or that he is there.

But he makes me uncomfortable.

And he doesn't seem to try not to.

Maybe it's the only power left.

But I get to choose.  

Whether he has power over me

or not.

I get to choose to believe 

what God says about me

or not.

I get to choose

how to live.

I get to choose

to thrive.

And I want to 

THRIVE.

To be truly.

ALIVE.

I made it through this night.

I was cold.  

It wore my body out.

As in limp kinda' tired.

But it also

made me

PROUD.

Because I did a hard thing

for someone that I 

care about.

That made me happy,

Right there in the midst of the pain.

A friend told me to go and 

be happy.

To let him see

that I'm doing well.

That seemed a little

unkind.

Insensitive.

I always worry about how he feels.

But I purposed to do it as well as I could.

As honestly as I could.

And here I am.

Alive.

Feeling proud.

Knowing that I can do the hard things.

So can you.

blessings.

validation

i have figured out that what i can't get is validation.  no, i don't mean for parking.  i mean for my place in life.  that "oh wow, they get it, see me and still care."  i am so stinking lonely today and my phone doesn't ring and my house is empty and i am reduced to talking to my dogs.  and being nuzzled by my cat.  i have gotten a lot done, but i have a sense of pain.  of sadness.  like i don't have a place.  i sure miss my grandpa.  and there are those moments when i wonder if ever again i'll have a place.  if ever again there will be those who choose me for me.  and i'm thinking that there will be. a new job.  new people.  i am not simply someone's ex wife.  for that i will be so thankful.  you can't even imagine.
this week i have to see my ex.  family celebration.  i'll tell ya, my heart races just about right out of my chest just thinking about it.  i am stuck.  i can't decline.  i can't ask him not to go.  but maybe, perhaps, i can get him to take turns on time.  but, it is a bday, so could be a  problem since cake and presents are kinda the time to be there.  i don't know how to face it.  too hard.  too much.  emotional suicide.  like i have to kill my emotions to get through it.  stuff in my feelings again.  when i've finally been coming back out.
i know that these times will come.  i just wonder when i will get to the place when i can face them without feeling like i'm going to have a heart attack.
but i'll most likely go.  be pleasant.  make small talk.  and be so worn out when it's over that there will be no describing it.  i'll need a blanket in the summer.  i'll have the shakes.  i know well how it feels now.  it's more intense as i come out from the numbness.  i don't want to live in the numbness, but maybe i'll have to for awhile.  just not sure how to do that and heal all at once.
god, show me what to do.  i am clueless.
grace to you.

church

at church today, on my way in, in the midst of my total panic attack, i saw and grabbed on to someone for a hug.  a sweet, kind, strong, faithful, kind woman.  not perfect.  not churchy.  real.  sincere.  genuine.  true.  one of those people that is safe.  and let me tell you, i grabbed on like a drowning woman.  held on.  hugged tight.  didn't even have the decency to mention anything about her.  totally a taker.  wow.  and yet....it bolstered me.  god provided.  a harbor.  a rest.  a piece of peace.  right there in the midst of the hardest things for me.
i can't deal with the why question that i get.  well, i totally could.  but i want to maintain something in me.  a sense of dignity.  a sense of compassion.  and i want to protect my children.  from division.  from fighting.  from sensing that people know too much....at least, not from me.
i get letters from men who have heard my husband's "side".  and i am a little appalled.  i would never assume to have any friends write to him.  tell him how he's wrong.  tell him that they will be praying that he will walk with god.  those letters push me away from feeling safe in my own home church.  they make me feel...judged.  they cause me pain.  he causes me that pain.  funny how he never shared with anyone before.  never sought help before.  so, now, they just assume that this woman simply walked away from him suddenly and without cause.
i had cause.  and i have peace in that.  but it's amazing how hard it can be when you are not willing to justify yourself to those within the church.  i never knew.  and i don't ask anyone to take up for me.  to  tell what they know of things.  i just keep trying to wait it out.  to keep my faith.  to focus on worship and not fear.
today was hymn day.  it made me laugh because i was trying to sing melody and my friend was singing harmony and i realized that i had grown up singing the harmony parts in the songs that we were singing and i really had to focus to try and sing melody and not "fall" into the harmony part.  well, my life is kind of like that.  it's easy to fall into protecting him.  and that's not what i need to be doing.  and yet, i don't need to be taking his burden either.  there is some balance that i have yet to find.  i don't have the right words yet.
it's not like i can say, "you let him treat you like garbage for over 20 years and then come talk to me again."  the abuse has left scars.  on my heart.  on my abilities.  on my hopes.  on my passions.  but how to share that is beyond me totally.  not without giving up integrity and taking part in something less than i hope to be.
so i shed tears.  i seek hugs.  and i simply know that all things pass eventually.
blessings.

faith

holding onto faith going through these times seems to be an anomaly.  i look around and see few who do.  they toss out all that they once held true.  i guess that in some ways, that reduces the struggle.  taking on new "truth" means being able to move on faster..with less struggle.
but i welcome the struggle.
because without faith, i am absolutely nothing.  without god, i can't take a breath.  i did not become free to become enslaved to lies.
but i see how it's easier.  and honestly, i don't judge.  it's just where they are.  and god isn't surprised.  and he will continue to love.  and search.  and woo.  and weep.  for he compassion never fails.
blessings.

Whitney Houston - Yes Jesus Loves Me

this is a great rendition.  and i needed the "i'm never alone" part.  wow.  he loves me so much that he reaches out to me in every way.
blessings.

yes jesus loves me.

yes jesus loves me.
yes jesus loves me.
yes jesus loves me,
the bible tells me so
blessings.

knots prayer

pictures

i am friends on facebook with my ex husband's sister.  tonight the photos of the week are up.  with the kids.  without my daughter's friend.  but still, there they are.  and i want to unfriend.  but that would be construed as unkind.  but, sometimes it's really hard.  and i'm just struggling today anyway.  feeling so invisible.  needy.  but for what?  just to be seen, i guess.
my friend touched my heart by fixing a necklace and stamping "here" in the locket.  i have a sign that i look at every day.  i know it.  but it's still like i feel closed off by plexiglass or something.  like i can't connect, but only observe.

but i don't want to hold onto the hurts, the troubles.  it's going to be ok just to live.  but how will it be to keep going while unseen.  if you aren't seen, does what you do matter?  like being in a fog.  unnoticed. i could go for quite awhile without hearing from people.  if i don't make the effort, i find myself alone.  and i guess that i'm kind of tired of making the effort.  perhaps just painting and reading and praying and watching shows.  perhaps it's a quiet time of life.
it has been a really hard day.  and the night...well, when night comes after a really hard day, it's kinda super hard.  because somehow dark doesn't make it better.
of course, neither does being all alone in the house at night.  hard on me.  though i know it's dumb.
why do i cry?  because i don't have words to express why my heart is hurting so much.  or, maybe even moreso because i don't want to express why.
i just want to get through this time and be past it.  and i don't think that i can face church on my own again.  and that makes me sad too.  maybe being a hermit will be good for me.
grace to you.

tears

i can't seem to get my words across to people. 

can't seem to let them know what i need.

and goodness knows, 

i've tried.

today i gave my best effort.

was in need of encouragment. 

of accolades.

of "wow, good job."

but somehow, 

though i asked for someone to share the moment,

i guess that i just wouldn't go far enough.

act needy enough.

so...

instead, 

i stopped and cried.

for what i've lost.

and no, i don't mean my ex.

i've lost my place in the world.

i've lost the ability to matter.

at least in this place in life.

it's like people are working so hard to be fair that they don't

know how "fair" feels to me.

and they don't get how much i need affirmation.  hugs.  compassion.

and i am not willing to put that on any of them.

because they have their own

hurts

needs 

feelings

wants

desires.

and i have to learn to be ok with that.

somehow it seems like sometimes

i could be needy.

that sometimes 

i could be 

absolutely seen

understood

nurtured.

but mostly it feels like

i'm just supposed to move on and 

be what helps.

what does for others.

what encourages.

what serves.

and that is something i enjoy.

yet.

today.

i don't feel alone.  

i feel lonely.

and the tears are little comfort.

because nothing will change.

so i have to change.

i have to make my way through.

i have to pray for my kids.

for me.

i have to talk it through to myslef.

i have to tell myself, 

"wow, you sure did a good job on that,

that's exactly what you've 

been trying to accomplish."

so much.  

and it's like everyone thinks i'm just fine.

i'm not fine.

i'm healing.

not healed.

i'm growing.

not grown.

i'm finding my way

but i'm not there yet.

this was hard.

all because of trying to reach out.

i hate that.

grace to you.

all of the little things

someone was asking me yesterday how i'm surviving this ending of my marriage.  and what i realized is that while i'm doing ok, it' is very very hard to not have anyone that is mine.  this person was talking about people who are "safe" to talk to and things like that.  and there is no place.  every time that i think that i can just relax and get on with it, it's like something else comes up and demands my emotional time to figure out.  my ex is everywhere in my life.  there is not one place that i can turn that is mine alone.  and i think that i need to change that.  somehow.
so i am praying about how to do that.  for now, it might not happen, but someday, it has to.  because i don't want to live all of my life with him hovering in the background.  always trying to figure out what i'm allowed to be relaxed about and what i'm not.
it's just little things.  little to everyone else.  and i want to be a grown up.  i want to be a woman who walks with integrity and courage.  but, i also want people to know that there are reasons that i'm not with him.  there are reasons that i feel overwhelmed by the idea of having to spend time with him.  there are reasons.....but i can't give those to people.  they are not just my story. so....i have to figure things out on my own.  with lots of prayer.  and huge doses of compassion for those around me.
but....still...learning to have compassion for me too.  i have spent so long making it ok for others.  but who will watch out for me?  for my heart?  for my emotions and hurts?  it's going to have to be me.  and i don't have a lot of practice.  but i have good motivation.
because i've seen what healing looks like.  i've had a taste of how it is to be free of the pain.  and i want that.  i know that the choices won't be easy.  and that i won't get a chance to explain it to everyone.  but i also know that i have to find my way.  i didn't embark on this journey to still live in bondage.
so....may i be wise and strong and gentle and compassionate.
blessings.

self talk

at this very moment, i want to trash talk myself.  those feelings of inadequacy that were honed so very well for so very long perked right up today when i went to my new school and words, jargon were flying around my head.  as i grabbed a huge stack of books to take home.  and as i began perusing them.  oh my goodness.  but the thing is....i can do it.  i know in my heart that god brought me to this place and that he will give me the skills to do what he has brought me to.  but today...i faced the giant again.  those feelings that my ex honed.
but now, i'm going to turn my mind and wonder why?  why did he choose that over encouragement and accolades?  why did he have a need to hold me down?  i don't know the answer, but it changed my focus from something being wrong with me to something being wrong in the way i was treated.  i don't have to take responsibility for that.  i am not what he chooses.  i am who god made me.  and while i may not know the buzz words.  i know how to teach.  and i am going to do it.  and i will do it in the strength and power of god himself.  so that his glory can be seen in my weakness.  so that every day that i am flying....walking on water....i can attribute it to him.
scared?  yes.  like standing on the edge of a cliff and getting ready to jump into the water.  others have done it before.  but still....i have to do it on my own.  i have to choose courage.  i have to learn to jump.
or, in other words, i have to get out of the boat and meet jesus on the water.  take a walk with him.  he is willing.  he has provided everything i need.  all i have to bring is a wee bit of faith.  you know, a synonym for faith should be courage.  because every faith act is a courage act.
had to tell someone today that i was no longer married.  had to do it with grace and without the garbage.  and that's not easy.  some days, i wish that there was someone who was simply mine alone.  that i didn't have to weigh or measure my thoughts or words.  but the reality of life is that he knows most of the people i know.  and so....i choose to be a woman who doesn't tear him down.  though a part of me thinks that he would deserve to topple a bit. ;)  i don't want to be that kind of woman though.  i want to celebrate who i am by behaving in ways i admire.  getting there.  it's slow coming.  but, i am growing.  changing.  learning.
i am able to do all things.  because i have a strengthener.
blessings.

communicating

i've written some letters.  and emails lately.  and i haven't heard back.  at all.  and i thought that i would hurt more about it.  but, i'm learning that i'm stronger than i realize.  and that i can lean hard into jesus and he doesn't fall over.  i agonized for so long and tried so hard for so long that i have no doubts about where i am now.  and if some don't get it...then, that's just how it is.  i'll just have to live with it.  i knew that from the get go.  what is a get go?  does it come from getting going?  hmmm.  ok, a little distracted.  the a.d.d. blogger.
some people only want dirt.  they want the whys and hows.  another is stunned that it was so fast.  too me, it seemed like an eternity.
the only part that is really hard for me at this point is the whole communicating thing.  not telling the crap and not being fake.  it's a weird way to try to live.  some people are dying to hear the garbage.  others can't bear it.  me?  i wish that i could just relax about it.  no such luck.  have to always be on guard.
praying for you.  wherever you are in your journey.  remember....you are beloved.
blessings.

talking

today, i made two phone calls.  that was the extent of my talking.  one to my new boss...lasted 15 seconds or less...and one to set up my online car payment.  i spent the day alone.  not sought out.  nor seeking.  simply moving from one thing to another.  i ate toast, frozen burritos and yogurt.  drank coffee and water.
pretty simple day.
i danced in the rain.  i painted.  i cleaned some.  i prayed.  i wrote.  i'm afraid that being a recluse could suit me.  well, perhaps not, but sometimes it feels like it.
but now that the day is past...i'm a little ramped up.  but i need to get to bed before2 am....i have to work on painting in the morning and tomorrow i get to see my classroom.
i do miss getting to share stuff like that with anyone.  mostly i just have to learn to be happy about such things in my own head.

loving it

well, i do miss my kids.  don't take what i'm getting ready to say as something that diminishes that basic feeling.  but, while i am missing them, i am finding it possible to make a life here by myself. i am finding that i am content with my puttering and bill paying and watering and talking to the dogs and writing and reading and simply wearing a really comfy but not altogether appropriate choice of clothes. i eat when i want.  i don't have to worry that there's enough food in the house.  it's oddly relaxing.  in a way that i have not experienced.....maybe since i was single.  extended time.  to do.  to be.  to find who i am.  to express myself.  to do things or not do things.  work late.  work early.  take the middle of the day off to relax during the heat.  be a bit of a hermit..and not feel like i should be conversing with my kids.
so, i miss them every moment and at the same time, i am enjoying every moment.  yet another paradox of life.
i am getting ready to teach.  having joyful thoughts and moments as i think some things through.  mostly just praying for my students..though names unknown.  it's going to be a blessing.
and i'm giddy for vacation.  yeppers. a time with my favorite people.  and with the ocean.  i'm easily entertained that be true.
hope that you are finding a way to find contentment where you are.  i know how hard it can be.
blessings.

home alone

well.  i left the house when it was empty and returned after midnight.  i had to stop to unlock the door to get in.  let the dogs out.  and i managed it.  i wanted to be escorted home.  i was skittish.  too tired, i think.  not to mention watching those action movies.  but, here i am, ensconced in my room.  doggies here.  in my jammies.  breathing ok.
it's something i will have to get used to in pretty short order.  this home alone thing will be my norm in a few short years.  and the thing is that i know the one who makes me to dwell in safety.  i will learn again.  i'm just used to so many living, breathing others being around.  it's easy to depend on that.
today was not a productive day. but it was a restful day.  a lazy day.  a day to reflect a bit.  a day to remember many things and be glad to be where i am now.
this new place is so much better.  i don't miss the ex being here.  not at all.  he was hurtful.  and though i have to do more things and though it can be a little overwhelming....it is such a relief.  a release.  i feel like i've been rescued out of bondage.
sometimes i wish that i could just talk to my friends.  but it's just not how things are.  i can't just tell all of the stuff.  i can't share how devastating sex was.  nor how he held things over all of us.  i can't explain how his constant stinginess affected my children.
he says he misses me.  i get why.  i made life ok for him.  i covered for him.  i made him feel good.  i comforted.  and he sucked it all in.  he took.  he did not choose to give of himself.  he viewed it as doing enough to go to work.  but though i was thankful, though i let the kids know what a kindness that was.  though i made every effort to let them know how he expresses love....i could never really find that for myself.  he was competitive.  always.  had to win.  but i get tired of that.  he was legalistic.  and he likes feeling guilty and uses shame liberally.  he is smart, but he plays dumb regarding the people he is supposed to love.  he can't remember things about them, but he knows trivia out the wazoo.
i am here in my little bed....so relieved.  because i didn't have to face coming home to him.  how sad it is that i'd rather be alone than with him.  he took so much.  destroyed so much.  hurt so much.  and acts as if it was nothing.  as if he made one mistake and that forgiveness should mean just getting over it.  a good beginning for him would be to realize how desperately he devastated my heart.  how broken it had to be to get to a point that i would file papers and go to court.
how do i ever explain how glad i am and how sad?  how both things exist at the very same time?  i guess that i won't have that venue for one...but, for two, really, i don't think that i have the words.
how do i explain how he didn't make it a point to make time nor a regular life with his children?  how that is hurtful to see?  how he doesn't get it when he is with them.....that sometimes it's not games or entertaining that they need.  or want.  but just time.  and hearing.  and seeing.  and feeling safe and cared for.  he is not aware of them as separate entities.  everyone just seems to be an extension of himself.  and that is too bad.
and as i lay here on my wee bed, i wonder if the next woman will actually touch his heart.  if it is just me that failed to make an impact that made him see beyond him and want to be there for me.  that never happened.
i hope that somehow, he learns to see his kids.  not for how they make him look.  not as objects of pride.  but as people.  who crave love and compassion.  who desire a father that is crazy about them.  maybe someday.
blessings.

accentuate the negative

i am learning a great truth.  he glories in my weakness.  god does.  because then, his beauty, strength, power, love and mercy can shine.  then, others see the hope that is found in him.  when everything looks just perfect, all shined up, varnished, sanded down...well, that's just....me.  that's a cover up.  and while he covers my sin, he doesn't want to cover my hurts and weaknesses.  he wants to bring them out.  show them.  and show what he can do with them.
it's like this.  i like to paint old furniture.  and i am learning something about myself as a painter/creator.  i love highlighting the things that some would think of as negatives.  as a matter of fact, today, i dubbed my new painting style as "highlighting".  it involves using paint very sparingly to absolutely draw attention to the imperfections in the piece.  the crackling of the finish.  the dents and dings.  the carving.  there's another way to paint...it involves heavy and multiple coats of paint...to cover over the past of the piece.  and there's another way...refinishing....going back to how it should have been originally.  but god doesn't do that with me.  he takes me where i am.  and while he sees me through jesus...forgiven...clean....he doesn't erase the scars and cracks and troubles.  instead, he highlights them with his character: mercy, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, love.  he takes each "crack", each "scar" and he highlights it to show the beauty of what he can do with anyone.  he shows how his strength is made perfect in the fact that i am weak....not that i am tough.  and in this highlighting process, he can draw others to himself as they see that if he could make something of even her then maybe there's hope for me too.
we live in a world that wants to accentuate perfection.  that longs to look right.  but i am embracing the truth of accentuating those things that have hurt the most....because in those places i have found grace to be sufficient.  it's easy to talk about how he loves everyone.  that there's nothing too great for him to make good of it.  but, it's not his plan for us to simply speak of it...it's his plan to speak through our very lives.  showing himself by how he makes beauty...yes, beauty from ashes.  water in the desert.
i am far from meaning to BE negative.  i know that he wants us to positively look for the good, the excellent, the things worthy of praise.  but, i'm learning....some of the things worthy of praise are the things that have broken me.  cracked me.  hurt me.  because right in that wound, he creates beauty.
blessings.

our stories

god is the author.

of my faith.

of my story.

he has written his name

on my heart.

he is...a writer.

i love that.

i often think of him as an artist.

which he is.

but he says that i am his poetry

as in his "workmanship"

which translates as being

a work of art

or a poem.

and my story is important.

and your story is important.

but it doesn't really matter

if we shout 

or whisper.

because he is about

using our stories

to first....

change us.

and then.....

change our world.

as those who walk beside.

behind.

along. 

see us.

they can see him.

and know that he is good.

and that we are beloved.

and so are they.

there are no perfect stories.

lives that look

perfect

are

false.

because it simply is not possible.

this world is broken.

and god uses the brokeness

to bring attention to himself

by being enough

when things look hopeless.

being food to the hungry.

survival to the sick.

compassion to the arrogant.

gentleness to the fearful.

in every need there is,

he intervenes in our stories

so that he can write 

his story to the world

on the tablets of our lives.

the fact is that he loves us.

adores us.

made us to have

a relationship with us.

and he wants everyone,

everywhere

to know that.

to know that he is good.

and they are beloved.

blessings,

dearly beloved ones.

a very good day

nothing is new.  nothing is different.  just renewed my focus....again.  sometimes, moping time is necessary.  it needs to be done.  because it's real.  it's sincere.  it's where i am.  i don't need to fake it.  i don't need to try harder.  i need to learn to wait through it.  to soak in the hurt.  to allow it to make the changes in me that it needs to make.  because god doesn't allow anything unnecessary into my life.  and even when i've made a "bad" decision, he uses it for good.  though it can be quite painful at times.  and even when i make a "good" decision, the results can be completely different than what i had in mind.  so, the learning is this: no matter what i do, no matter where i am, no matter how i feel or what i think....he is big enough, powerful enough, loving enough, kind enough, strong enough, gentle enough, present enough.....to make good on all of his promises.  every last one.  every moment.  of every day.  forever.  and that is what i have to learn when i am hurting beyond words.  that even in that hurt, there is god.  there is good.  right where i am.  because.....he is there too.  and his deepest longing is to comfort me.  not to change everything, but to change my perspective.  so that in all things, i can see his good.
and...very slowly....i am remembering.  i am hearing.  i am living as i was meant to live...in harmony with him.  at rest in him.  held.  cherished.  led.  peaceful.
but i falter.  start to look at those waves instead of at him.  but it's ok.  he understands what it is to be afraid.  he understands what it is to grieve.  and he will be enough.
and i am thankful for the very good day.  a day like any other.  except for my heart.  because i once again glimpsed his greatness.  and it is good.  very good.
blessings.

calling forth songs of joy

Psalm 65:8
Those living far away fear your wonders; where morning dawns and evening fades you call forth songs of joy.
oh my.  i like that!!
calls forth songs of joy.  wooing them from my heart and soul.  pulling them out from the depths of my being.  reminding me of His presence with the provision of a song.  
what is music that it soothes?  what is art that it calms and comforts?  i don't know exactly, but i dearly believe that it is because those are the places where our hearts are so like His.  the creator.  not like animals with just instinct, but with a desire for beauty.  with a longing for an ability to express what is in us.  and a desire to share it.  to have relationship.  to be understood.  seen.  as He created.  to show forth His glory.  His wonder.  His very presence.  
in wonder.

lifting my voice

Psalm 59:16
But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.
i guess that god knew how lifting my voice in song would ease my troubled soul.  how it would turn my heart and thoughts toward Him.  how it would ease the ache.  cause dancing.  joy.  though nothing else changes.  only my focus.  i love that about Him.  that He takes right where i am and how i am and makes it beautiful.  makes it enough.  makes it for His glory.  His renown.  
i have some really hard things.  church is one of them.  but i am so thankful that the place is not the relationship.  that the building isn't what counts.  there is church where two or three are gathered.  wherever His people meet up.  and yes, i still like going to the building.  i still like the traditions.  i just need to find peace in it all once again.  even in taking communion.  my ex used to make me feel guilty about it.  mercy.  why in the world didn't i see earlier?  
but today?  today, i sing.  i dance.  i paint.  i think.  i pray.  i write.  i stop and be thankful.  truly thankful.  
for my best friend.
for my second son.
for thrift stores. 
for the internet.
for box fans.
for sweet sunshine.
for flowers. 
for well water.
for pretty mirrors.
for silly dogs.
for inspiration.
for hot water. 
for quiet times.
for work.
for the time to play.
for my daughter.
for my son, laughter.
for my inquirer.
for dreams.
for looking forward.
for planning.
for spontaneity.
for freedom.
for wisdom.
for a job.
for benefits.
for the ability to read.
for the ability to learn.
for my mind.
for my body.
my legs.  my hands.  my eyes.  
for shoes that don't hurt my hips.
for a place to rest.  
for gray paint.
for the ability to play while working.
for laughter.
for giving.
forgiving. ;)
my list just goes on and on.  trying to take time each day....several times a day...to stop for a moment and just be thankful.  for each and every thing.  because every good and perfect gift comes from the lord.  james said so.  
look at the gifts...and the troubles grow shadowy.  they lose your focus.  and in so doing...lose their power.
love to you.  i am praying for you.  you are on my heart.

come the morning

Lamentations 3:22-24
22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. 23 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
God is great.  He gives me life.  He gives me a NEW day.  He gives me new hope.  The little things keep happening...like the email that says, "it was nice to see a part of your family last night.  i wish it could have been under different circumstances."  Really?  Me too.  Wow.  Ok then.  
That was the first message I got this morning when I got up.  
But the important messages are still coming.
Psalm 90:14
Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
My mornings, my very days...they belong to Him.  To the One who formed me.  Not by accident, but for a purpose.  
And this is my morning to remember that.  To breathe it in.  To suck up the truth like a milkshake through a straw....it's thick and full of substance.  
He is enough.  My portion.  
And He sends those who comfort.  He blesses me when I don't even know how to lift up my head.
He brings laughter.  He changes my countenance.  
blessings to you today.

post traumatic stress

someone postulated awhile back that perhaps i was suffering from ppsd.  i didn't think so.  yet.  today. i have to say that the stress from the past trauma was definitely what was kicking my butt.  it's like ever so often i am pushed to deal with it a little bit more.  and today was one of those days.  sad when your "demon" is your husband...or ex husband.  painful too.  especially since everyone that is around doesn't know.  they don't know the things he did or didn't do.  they don't know how he had a way of making me feel....like....less.  still does.  how he won't decide things so that he can blame.  i've had a letter from my pastor and from someone who used to be a friend.  awkward at best.  he had gone to talk to the pastor.  told the pastor it would be fine for him to call me.  but...alas...phone number was disconnected.
but i made it through this day.  my head rather aches.  i am tired beyond words.  it's hard work fighting through the crap.  but i am here.  i love.  i give.  i grow.  i learn.  and i will never put myself in that position again.
i keep thinking that it's done...but my emotions aren't done yet.  they have to do their own thing in their own time.  but i'm making it.  a bit at a time.
blessings.

Panic

hard to breathe.  can barely walk forward.  get in the church.  realize that it's going to be even harder.  something about getting that letter this week.  something about knowing that he tells a different story.  not my story.  that i am invisible.  that the "how are yous" are way too hard for me.  that i want to say how relieved i am.  but that's not ok.
and there i sat in the service.  soaking in the music.  loving so much.  and having a regret that he has taken so much more from me than he has ever given.  and now he has taken away the one place that all of my life was home.  my church home.  my life was difficult.  but my heart was safe at church.  now...not so much.  it's too much to ask of me to go on my own.  when my kids are there, it's different.  not so...naked.  so exposed. i just needed to leave.  my heart was pounding.  i was cold.  i was hot.  i was in a panic.  i just couldn't do it.  knew i couldn't stay on my own.
you know, family provides a safe shelter.  friends can too.  but i'm learning that he has given a story or account of his own to them.  and unless i want to simply say that he's an ass then i can't refute it.  i have to let it go.  but it means walking alone for the most part.  it means that they look but don't ask.  it means that they are praying for me from his perspective....that i'll get back on track.
i cannot believe how much better i feel with him gone.  and i guess i thought that with him away this week, it would be better.  but somehow it hit me.  he makes it his place.  he tells my friends....people who i knew and was friends with....his story.  i have a hard time now.  because i just don't have fight in me anymore.  not interested.  i just wish that there was somewhere where i could get hugged.  where i could just rant.  where i could cry until i'm done.
so. i ran home.  ran to my covers.  this computer.  and here i am.  writing.  crying.  bawling.  makes my eyes burn.  lucky i can type without seeing. :)
but i cry out.  it's not fair.  he's not fair.  he simply makes it look like he is so wounded.  so wronged.  mean woman that filed papers on him and what could he do?  and look how he just had to give up his kids because it's best for them.  and he has to work so much that he doesn't have time.  and he's so sorry.
and i have to look into faces of people who have heard his story.  and not tell mine.  and know that they are bothered.  that they think i'm doing wrong.
i just wish that i was seen.  too many coping skills make me look alright.  even when i'm really hurting. don't even have to try to hide it.  just do.  of course, at church, i worked at holding those tears in, because with them was the sobbing and the shaking.  the meltdown.  and that's ok.  need them now and then.  sorrow.  for what might have been.  for what i dreamed of.  and sorrow for how wrong i was.  how horribly he damaged me.  i don't have to live there...but sometimes, i have to fight again the panic that shakes me.  but i still walked into the church.  and though i was nearly running by the time i left....i made it out.  i didn't pass out or make a huge scene.  that's good.  well, at least it's something.
i can't do it on my own.  i feel like a target.  vulnerable.
i don't want to hide.  but i do want to feel safe.  protected.
maybe i'll go to the picnic.  we'll see.  small talk isn't easy.
blessings.