all of the little things

someone was asking me yesterday how i'm surviving this ending of my marriage.  and what i realized is that while i'm doing ok, it' is very very hard to not have anyone that is mine.  this person was talking about people who are "safe" to talk to and things like that.  and there is no place.  every time that i think that i can just relax and get on with it, it's like something else comes up and demands my emotional time to figure out.  my ex is everywhere in my life.  there is not one place that i can turn that is mine alone.  and i think that i need to change that.  somehow.
so i am praying about how to do that.  for now, it might not happen, but someday, it has to.  because i don't want to live all of my life with him hovering in the background.  always trying to figure out what i'm allowed to be relaxed about and what i'm not.
it's just little things.  little to everyone else.  and i want to be a grown up.  i want to be a woman who walks with integrity and courage.  but, i also want people to know that there are reasons that i'm not with him.  there are reasons that i feel overwhelmed by the idea of having to spend time with him.  there are reasons.....but i can't give those to people.  they are not just my story. so....i have to figure things out on my own.  with lots of prayer.  and huge doses of compassion for those around me.
but....still...learning to have compassion for me too.  i have spent so long making it ok for others.  but who will watch out for me?  for my heart?  for my emotions and hurts?  it's going to have to be me.  and i don't have a lot of practice.  but i have good motivation.
because i've seen what healing looks like.  i've had a taste of how it is to be free of the pain.  and i want that.  i know that the choices won't be easy.  and that i won't get a chance to explain it to everyone.  but i also know that i have to find my way.  i didn't embark on this journey to still live in bondage.
so....may i be wise and strong and gentle and compassionate.
blessings.