home alone

well.  i left the house when it was empty and returned after midnight.  i had to stop to unlock the door to get in.  let the dogs out.  and i managed it.  i wanted to be escorted home.  i was skittish.  too tired, i think.  not to mention watching those action movies.  but, here i am, ensconced in my room.  doggies here.  in my jammies.  breathing ok.
it's something i will have to get used to in pretty short order.  this home alone thing will be my norm in a few short years.  and the thing is that i know the one who makes me to dwell in safety.  i will learn again.  i'm just used to so many living, breathing others being around.  it's easy to depend on that.
today was not a productive day. but it was a restful day.  a lazy day.  a day to reflect a bit.  a day to remember many things and be glad to be where i am now.
this new place is so much better.  i don't miss the ex being here.  not at all.  he was hurtful.  and though i have to do more things and though it can be a little overwhelming....it is such a relief.  a release.  i feel like i've been rescued out of bondage.
sometimes i wish that i could just talk to my friends.  but it's just not how things are.  i can't just tell all of the stuff.  i can't share how devastating sex was.  nor how he held things over all of us.  i can't explain how his constant stinginess affected my children.
he says he misses me.  i get why.  i made life ok for him.  i covered for him.  i made him feel good.  i comforted.  and he sucked it all in.  he took.  he did not choose to give of himself.  he viewed it as doing enough to go to work.  but though i was thankful, though i let the kids know what a kindness that was.  though i made every effort to let them know how he expresses love....i could never really find that for myself.  he was competitive.  always.  had to win.  but i get tired of that.  he was legalistic.  and he likes feeling guilty and uses shame liberally.  he is smart, but he plays dumb regarding the people he is supposed to love.  he can't remember things about them, but he knows trivia out the wazoo.
i am here in my little bed....so relieved.  because i didn't have to face coming home to him.  how sad it is that i'd rather be alone than with him.  he took so much.  destroyed so much.  hurt so much.  and acts as if it was nothing.  as if he made one mistake and that forgiveness should mean just getting over it.  a good beginning for him would be to realize how desperately he devastated my heart.  how broken it had to be to get to a point that i would file papers and go to court.
how do i ever explain how glad i am and how sad?  how both things exist at the very same time?  i guess that i won't have that venue for one...but, for two, really, i don't think that i have the words.
how do i explain how he didn't make it a point to make time nor a regular life with his children?  how that is hurtful to see?  how he doesn't get it when he is with them.....that sometimes it's not games or entertaining that they need.  or want.  but just time.  and hearing.  and seeing.  and feeling safe and cared for.  he is not aware of them as separate entities.  everyone just seems to be an extension of himself.  and that is too bad.
and as i lay here on my wee bed, i wonder if the next woman will actually touch his heart.  if it is just me that failed to make an impact that made him see beyond him and want to be there for me.  that never happened.
i hope that somehow, he learns to see his kids.  not for how they make him look.  not as objects of pride.  but as people.  who crave love and compassion.  who desire a father that is crazy about them.  maybe someday.
blessings.