Goal

I am learning that I don't want to be ashamed.  

That I don't have to feel shame.

But, often I do.

Like a failure.

But when I really stop.

And take the time.

And look.

I know.

Know that what I've chosen.

Has taken courage.

And hope. 

And truthfulness.

Sure, I'm sad.

Sure, I wish it had been different.

But my hopes

and prayers

and desires

and wishes

and trying

and giving

and believing

never made it different.

It only made me different.

Made me incapable 

of living life full out.

And I am starting again.

Not easy.

But possible.

And I am going to learn to hold my heard up.

Not just outwardly...

but in my mind and heart too.

To believe that I am worth it.

Tonight I attended 

a party for a very special young lady.

I wouldn't have wanted to miss it.

But the ex was going too.

And it has been trauma 

and drama

in my heart.

Fear.

Discomfort.

I wish that I could

just talk like a normal person.

Not worry about what he is doing.

Or thinking.

Or that he is there.

But he makes me uncomfortable.

And he doesn't seem to try not to.

Maybe it's the only power left.

But I get to choose.  

Whether he has power over me

or not.

I get to choose to believe 

what God says about me

or not.

I get to choose

how to live.

I get to choose

to thrive.

And I want to 

THRIVE.

To be truly.

ALIVE.

I made it through this night.

I was cold.  

It wore my body out.

As in limp kinda' tired.

But it also

made me

PROUD.

Because I did a hard thing

for someone that I 

care about.

That made me happy,

Right there in the midst of the pain.

A friend told me to go and 

be happy.

To let him see

that I'm doing well.

That seemed a little

unkind.

Insensitive.

I always worry about how he feels.

But I purposed to do it as well as I could.

As honestly as I could.

And here I am.

Alive.

Feeling proud.

Knowing that I can do the hard things.

So can you.

blessings.