pictures

i am friends on facebook with my ex husband's sister.  tonight the photos of the week are up.  with the kids.  without my daughter's friend.  but still, there they are.  and i want to unfriend.  but that would be construed as unkind.  but, sometimes it's really hard.  and i'm just struggling today anyway.  feeling so invisible.  needy.  but for what?  just to be seen, i guess.
my friend touched my heart by fixing a necklace and stamping "here" in the locket.  i have a sign that i look at every day.  i know it.  but it's still like i feel closed off by plexiglass or something.  like i can't connect, but only observe.

but i don't want to hold onto the hurts, the troubles.  it's going to be ok just to live.  but how will it be to keep going while unseen.  if you aren't seen, does what you do matter?  like being in a fog.  unnoticed. i could go for quite awhile without hearing from people.  if i don't make the effort, i find myself alone.  and i guess that i'm kind of tired of making the effort.  perhaps just painting and reading and praying and watching shows.  perhaps it's a quiet time of life.
it has been a really hard day.  and the night...well, when night comes after a really hard day, it's kinda super hard.  because somehow dark doesn't make it better.
of course, neither does being all alone in the house at night.  hard on me.  though i know it's dumb.
why do i cry?  because i don't have words to express why my heart is hurting so much.  or, maybe even moreso because i don't want to express why.
i just want to get through this time and be past it.  and i don't think that i can face church on my own again.  and that makes me sad too.  maybe being a hermit will be good for me.
grace to you.