tears

i can't seem to get my words across to people. 

can't seem to let them know what i need.

and goodness knows, 

i've tried.

today i gave my best effort.

was in need of encouragment. 

of accolades.

of "wow, good job."

but somehow, 

though i asked for someone to share the moment,

i guess that i just wouldn't go far enough.

act needy enough.

so...

instead, 

i stopped and cried.

for what i've lost.

and no, i don't mean my ex.

i've lost my place in the world.

i've lost the ability to matter.

at least in this place in life.

it's like people are working so hard to be fair that they don't

know how "fair" feels to me.

and they don't get how much i need affirmation.  hugs.  compassion.

and i am not willing to put that on any of them.

because they have their own

hurts

needs 

feelings

wants

desires.

and i have to learn to be ok with that.

somehow it seems like sometimes

i could be needy.

that sometimes 

i could be 

absolutely seen

understood

nurtured.

but mostly it feels like

i'm just supposed to move on and 

be what helps.

what does for others.

what encourages.

what serves.

and that is something i enjoy.

yet.

today.

i don't feel alone.  

i feel lonely.

and the tears are little comfort.

because nothing will change.

so i have to change.

i have to make my way through.

i have to pray for my kids.

for me.

i have to talk it through to myslef.

i have to tell myself, 

"wow, you sure did a good job on that,

that's exactly what you've 

been trying to accomplish."

so much.  

and it's like everyone thinks i'm just fine.

i'm not fine.

i'm healing.

not healed.

i'm growing.

not grown.

i'm finding my way

but i'm not there yet.

this was hard.

all because of trying to reach out.

i hate that.

grace to you.