at church today, on my way in, in the midst of my total panic attack, i saw and grabbed on to someone for a hug. a sweet, kind, strong, faithful, kind woman. not perfect. not churchy. real. sincere. genuine. true. one of those people that is safe. and let me tell you, i grabbed on like a drowning woman. held on. hugged tight. didn't even have the decency to mention anything about her. totally a taker. wow. and yet....it bolstered me. god provided. a harbor. a rest. a piece of peace. right there in the midst of the hardest things for me.
i can't deal with the why question that i get. well, i totally could. but i want to maintain something in me. a sense of dignity. a sense of compassion. and i want to protect my children. from division. from fighting. from sensing that people know too much....at least, not from me.
i get letters from men who have heard my husband's "side". and i am a little appalled. i would never assume to have any friends write to him. tell him how he's wrong. tell him that they will be praying that he will walk with god. those letters push me away from feeling safe in my own home church. they make me feel...judged. they cause me pain. he causes me that pain. funny how he never shared with anyone before. never sought help before. so, now, they just assume that this woman simply walked away from him suddenly and without cause.
i had cause. and i have peace in that. but it's amazing how hard it can be when you are not willing to justify yourself to those within the church. i never knew. and i don't ask anyone to take up for me. to tell what they know of things. i just keep trying to wait it out. to keep my faith. to focus on worship and not fear.
today was hymn day. it made me laugh because i was trying to sing melody and my friend was singing harmony and i realized that i had grown up singing the harmony parts in the songs that we were singing and i really had to focus to try and sing melody and not "fall" into the harmony part. well, my life is kind of like that. it's easy to fall into protecting him. and that's not what i need to be doing. and yet, i don't need to be taking his burden either. there is some balance that i have yet to find. i don't have the right words yet.
it's not like i can say, "you let him treat you like garbage for over 20 years and then come talk to me again." the abuse has left scars. on my heart. on my abilities. on my hopes. on my passions. but how to share that is beyond me totally. not without giving up integrity and taking part in something less than i hope to be.
so i shed tears. i seek hugs. and i simply know that all things pass eventually.
blessings.
i can't deal with the why question that i get. well, i totally could. but i want to maintain something in me. a sense of dignity. a sense of compassion. and i want to protect my children. from division. from fighting. from sensing that people know too much....at least, not from me.
i get letters from men who have heard my husband's "side". and i am a little appalled. i would never assume to have any friends write to him. tell him how he's wrong. tell him that they will be praying that he will walk with god. those letters push me away from feeling safe in my own home church. they make me feel...judged. they cause me pain. he causes me that pain. funny how he never shared with anyone before. never sought help before. so, now, they just assume that this woman simply walked away from him suddenly and without cause.
i had cause. and i have peace in that. but it's amazing how hard it can be when you are not willing to justify yourself to those within the church. i never knew. and i don't ask anyone to take up for me. to tell what they know of things. i just keep trying to wait it out. to keep my faith. to focus on worship and not fear.
today was hymn day. it made me laugh because i was trying to sing melody and my friend was singing harmony and i realized that i had grown up singing the harmony parts in the songs that we were singing and i really had to focus to try and sing melody and not "fall" into the harmony part. well, my life is kind of like that. it's easy to fall into protecting him. and that's not what i need to be doing. and yet, i don't need to be taking his burden either. there is some balance that i have yet to find. i don't have the right words yet.
it's not like i can say, "you let him treat you like garbage for over 20 years and then come talk to me again." the abuse has left scars. on my heart. on my abilities. on my hopes. on my passions. but how to share that is beyond me totally. not without giving up integrity and taking part in something less than i hope to be.
so i shed tears. i seek hugs. and i simply know that all things pass eventually.
blessings.
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