a glass of wine...or two

i have learned something about myself in the last couple of years. that's a good thing.  i've learned that i don't have to feel a certain way.  that i don't have to think a certain way.  i've learned that i don't have to rush myself.  i don't have to fake it.  i've learned that i don't have to make myself cook every meal or be emotionally available when i'm done....overwrought.  i can stop. i can wait.  i can cover up and tune out for awhile.  zone out to some shows.  i can even be a little bit self centered for awhile.  i can tell everyone to get some leftovers to eat.  or to go buy themselves a burger...they are young adults, not preschoolers.  and i can have a glass of wine...or even two...to relax a bit.  i can put on comfy clothes and eat chocolate...but, for me, i prefer warm comfort foods.  i can cat nap and wake up and rewind the movie.  and it's ok.  it's ok to be unavailable for the rest of the world for a bit.  to take care of me.  and i've learned about myself that i need that time.  i spent over twenty years being told that it was selfish.  being treated as if i had to be constantly on and taking care of everything.  everything always revolved around making sure everyone's needs were met except for mine.  i wasn't supposed to have any.  i have learned that i do have needs.  i have also learned that it's not sinful.  not even wrong.  it's just a fact.  i've learned that emotional upheaval makes me need quiet time to recharge....i can be with a close friend or i can be alone, but i can't be "needed".  i just have to tune out.  think.  relax.  and for me, relaxing is not an outgoing event with a crowd.
i had an interesting day with the inlaws.  i realized that all of their questions were about "is this new"? or about my son who doesn't live here and how he is going to be unemployed.  no i'm sorry.  no wishing that they had called my son that they ostracized.  no making amends.  that is too bad.  my nephew actually asked for a tour.  his dad followed.  it was weird.  they have been here before.  it was...nosy.  i guess that for them knowledge feels like power.  gives them something to talk about...something to pass on to the rest of the family.  but looking back, i realize that it was ever so shallow.  ever so lacking in care.  my son deserved better.  making things right matters.
so.  it wore me out.  in twenty minutes.  and i marvel....because i survived over twenty years!  i'm pretty amazing!  here i am.  healing.  growing.  learning. hoping. dreaming.  believing.  i'm not bitter.  i'm not depressed.  i am alive.  i am determined to be the woman that i choose and not a victim of circumstances.
but. sometimes.
sometimes circumstances happen.
and it's ok to take time out to work through them.
as a matter of fact.
it's healthy.
i think that being healthy is going to be a very good thing.  i'm just beginning to get the hang of it.  before i've always felt guilty.  not so much.  i just poured a second glass of wine.  i may or may not drink it.  but i can if i want to.  and i ate fried ham.  and dark chocolate.  and my kids are eating refrigerator biscuits....that they are baking themselves.  and i took a breath and decided that that is ok.
here's a toast to be mentally and emotionally healthy!
blessings.