Christmas

This year was so different than last year.  Last year, I had to drive in the snow through Kansas to get a kid and bring him home from a family event with his dad.  This year, their relationship is not healed.  His dad has made no overtures at taking responsibility. But, my son smiles again.  And laughs.   And hugs.  And I decorated this year.  And didn't just "get through" the day...as I have done with so many days in the last years.  Finally, it was like I was allowed to be restful.  I was able to breathe.  And not only able, I allowed myself to relax.  No big plan.  No big hurry.  Didn't worry about the house.  Didn't fuss over stuff.  This year I finally felt alive again.  Ready.  To be present.  To be me.  Even when me is a mess.  I was not enough in my marriage.  I sat in a church service last night for Christmas Eve and heard of the evils that are haunting our nation because of them growing up without fathers in their homes.  But what of the children growing up with fathers that use them for their own gain?  Isn't that bad as well?  What about unhealthiness within supposedly "whole" families?  It was a hard service, but I was happy to be there with my five kids.  It was nice.  And I stood and talked a bit at the end.  And though it was hard, I kept remembering that I get to choose my attitude.  My choice.  My responsibility.
Today, I knew that it would be different.  Our first real Christmas without their dad at this house.  Last year was all messed up with them traveling out of state and all.  So, this was the first time that we have had Christmas since the divorce.  When my ex dropped them off last night, he lingered around a bit after they unpacked....in the driveway, mind you.  But, I could tell that he wanted attention.  I wished him a Merry Christmas from the porch.  He wanted me to walk down.  I couldn't do it.  Not anymore.  I spent too long meeting his needs and forgetting about my own.  I have to have boundaries for now.  It helps me heal for now.  Not forever.  Maybe.  I don't know, really.  But I am sure that I get to choose what I need.  And what I need is time.  How much? I really don't know.  Most of the time it feels like a lifetime won't be enough to get back to a sense of being ok.  And that's ok.  I'm allowed to take as much time as I need.  There's no rush.  It's not a race.  I am not obligated to buck up for him....or for anybody.  I don't have to put my needs, hurts, feelings, hopes, dreams, or life on hold in order to meet everyone else's needs.  That was what I realized in the night last night.  I KNEW it...but now, it sunk in.  I had my aha moment.  I needed that.
Today was full of laughter.  I took plenty of quick breaks alone to recharge.  That's how I am.  I've never been the hostess that people perceive me to be.  I am simply very good at getting people going on what they enjoy doing together.  I did participate.  I was fully present.  I enjoyed.  I reveled.  My boys got wood up by the house and kept the fire going all day long.  I got great gifts.   Thoughtful and kind gifts.  And I gave myself a gift.  After church last night, I was feeling like a failure.  Again.  Like I can never get past people looking at me the way that they do.  Like I've screwed up my kids in their eyes.  But, the change it that I gave myself the gift of forgiveness.  I forgive me.  For not being who he wished I was.  For not being able to hold it all together anymore.  I forgive myself for allowing so many things that were wrong and messed up without absolutely saying positively NO.  I had used words, but I got tired of fighting.  Got tired of not being heard.  Got tired of being the one holding things together.  Got tired of looking for every way under the sun to make someone understand or even hear me.  And I forgive myself for not being able to do that on my own.  I don't mean without God.  I mean without my spouse's help.  I did do my best.  I did pray and try to follow God's leading.  I did love.  That's the hardest thing.  It wasn't fake or false.  I loved.  And it hurt me deeply to find that though he said he loved....he didn't find me worth getting to know or understand.  It hurt me that he used me.  It hurt me that he abused my kindness towards him and manipulated every conversation to be about him.  He used tears.  Threats of impending doom.  Threats about what pleased God.  And though all of those things were true...I tried to let it be enough.  I prayed to be more.  To change.  To be acceptable.  And now...I choose to forgive myself for letting go.  For finally releasing my grasp.  I forgive myself for failing.  For letting so many people down.  A light came on at some point.  CPR is a temporary measure.  It doesn't work for the long term fix.  And, I was constantly doing CPR on our relationship.  I forgive myself for choosing to admit what was true.  The relationship wasn't breathing, wasn't alive, wasn't nourished.  And I forgive myself for not being willing to spend the next 40 years giving every breath, every ounce of strength, everything.....for something that wasn't alive and someone who wasn't willing to get up and care.  I forgive myself.  And it's freeing.  And it causes me to feel guilty.  Like I should be paying penance.  Forever.  Shamed.  Forever.  But I choose forgiveness.  For me.  For Jesus came to forgive.  To buy me back.  To redeem.  And I need to accept that.  Wholly.
Forgiving myself...at least at this step and for what I know currently....allows me to freely hear and interact and enjoy.
So, even now, at the end of this very blessed Christmas Day, I am in my room, snuggled up and cozy while listening to the laughter of my children and friends.  Movie watching still going on.  It's peaceful.  And good.  When I gave myself the gift of forgiveness, I received in return a deeper peace.  A calm.
It's pretty wonderful.
Life is so amazing.
I don't want to take a moment forgranted.
blessings.
and merry christmas.