Making a Life

I am making a life.  Following dreams.  Actually dreaming. Facing fears.  I lived for so long being afraid. Every single day.  It was like everything I wanted or hoped for was considered....wrong....bad.....evil. I was viewed by the one who was supposed to love me most as not enough.  As somehow warped.  Not quite as god.  And I bought into it.  And that's on me.  I mean, at first it was ok.  I was trying to be a good wife.  Trying to make a strong marriage.  Trying to do what wives should do.  I'd never been a wife before, I didn't know what the boundary should be.  After I'd been married for a week and he was upset that I asked if we were taking my car somewhere, I should have gotten a clue.  Nothing was supposed to be mine anymore.  Ours.  His.  Not mine.  I chafed.  Not because I can't share.  Not because I cared.  Because it wasn't fair.  And somewhere inside, something screamed, "No!".  But I silenced it.  I felt guilty.  He made me feel guilty about wanting time or stuff or feelings or goals....of my own.  Life had to revolve around his wants, needs, fears, and "niceness".  He was great at always appearing to be "nice". But..what's nice?  What is it when the people that live with you are miserable?  When they can't make you happy?  When you constantly feel superior? It is a show.  It keeps others off balance.  But it's not.....kind.  I always was kept down by his being popular and helpful to others.  Smiley.  But he was selfish in our relationship.
And now.  Now. I am making a real life.  I am learning to set boundaries.  Learning to say what I want.  What I don't want.  Learning.  Making a life.
And Christmas is coming.  And I'm making a life in my home.  Getting things organized.  Decorating.  It's...fun.  Pleasant.  It's joyful.  Peaceful.  I am so happy about it.  I'm not great at it.  My house is certainly not perfect.  But it's pretty.  And it's comfortable.  The lights.  And candles.  Lovely.  Calming.  And I only have to use the ornaments that I like.  The rest can stay in the box.  Somehow, "making" Christmas is helping me to put other things in order in my mind.  I like it.
Fun times ahead.
Though the ex is already making it difficult timewise.  Oh well.  I choose joy.  I choose Jesus.
blessings.