a letter

a letter.

i just wanted to talk to you.  but i don't really have anything to say.  i wonder how your heart is.  i wonder at your reticence to reach out to me.  

i just wanted to talk to you.  well, maybe i didn't.  maybe i wanted to just be with you.  to sit with you.  to be known in the quiet.  to hear your words in the silence.  

but somehow, though i try so very hard, i'm just not able to say it.  i just can't seem to get out the words that i want to be wanted.  to be with you.  to be seen.  to be heard.  to hear.  to see.  to share some moments. 

i just wanted to tell you that you have made a difference in lives.  that seeing you fly and grow and achieve your dreams is beautiful.  

but even in this newness...in this awareness of my need to put voice to those things that matter....even here...i can't do it.  who i am is difficult.  lots to learn still.

and i'm sorry.  because i wish that i could just say, "i need to be with you today." but, i guess that the fear is still too great.  

and while you won't know.  at least i know that i'm on my way to learning to say the words.