realizations

i was coming home tonight...after going out yet again to get something i had to have....boxes for clothes wrapping...when i realized that though my life is kind of screwed up, i am content.  though i have to have mini temper tantrums now and again over the fact that my ex likes to push my buttons, continues to disregard when his family is unkind to his kids, is inconsiderate about communicating a schedule and generally seems to like being passive aggressive.....though that's true enough, i am happy.  i have no mother nor father nor brother nor sister nor aunt nor uncle nor cousin that is going to send me a christmas present.  there's no special check or surprise or gift card or whatever.  not happening.  and i have loved getting ready for christmas.  it's hunky dory.  as a matter of fact, i usually don't remember that i'm kind of it and on my own that way....but somehow, as i was thinking about what i got kids, i realized that i do it all on my own. and it's ok.  it means that i don't get the great woot woot gift that my grandparents used to come through with.  since the divorce, i don't hear from my stepmom at all.  my dad is out of the picture...though i tried to call him at father's day.  god is a balm to my soul.  he is enough.  he is a treasure.  and he provides for my needs when i feel that sense of not having anyone.
i realized today that it's something i don't talk to about hardly anyone.  my kids don't realize yet.  they are too young.  my friends know...but probably don't sense how it is at this time of year.
i have grown.
now.  thinking of my word for next year.  i've used balance.  i've used fearless.  thinking and thinking.  a new year is coming!!  my final son is graduating in this new year.  my daughter and i will live on our own in this new year.  i have a lot to learn still.  a lot.
but i have learned a lot already too.
my realizations don't knock my down anymore.  that's progress.
it has been a great year of "fearless".
blessings