time to reflect

finally.  time.
quiet time.
peaceful time.
time.
not in a hurry to get something done.
not rushing to do more.
not competing or trying to do it better.
just being peaceful.
just
being.
my brain feels better.
my face muscles are relaxing.
still have grading.
loads.
but somehow.
i'm simply resting.

thinking.
reflecting.
choosing.
being thankful.
being real.
i've come so far in recovering.
my ex is so very fake.
i cuss more.
i think badly in my head less.
i can more easily say no.
so when i say yes it's so much more real.
i risk more.  say more.
i take the easy way out less...writing is my easy way.
coming to terms with exactly who i am.
and who i am not.
whether the people i love most like it.
or not.
and finding.
they do.

a lot.
more than i ever believed possible.

i am blessed.

beyond belief.

without having to earn it.

or behave for it. 

just....

because they love me.

crazy me.

weird me.

but me.

and i am finding that people don't always understand.  and that's ok.  as long as i learn to understand what happened.  as long as i understand what my part was.  as long as i get that the hurt was real and deep.  and as long as i give myself time to heal.  really heal.  even if others want or need me to hurry up.

i am loving sunrises.  and sunsets.  and moonrises.  and moonsets.

i love my colorado blue sky. and the slate gray clouds that bring the beautiful snow.

i love christmas lights.

i am so much better.

for real better.

stronger.

laughing.

genuinely.

dressing up.  being silly.

and i am giving myself permission to laugh or cry or be angry or be sad.....as needed.  i go through the gamut on any given day.

i have a hard job.  but it's satisfying.

i have had a hard life, but it can only define me in the way that i allow it to.

and i am remembering how to pray.

for real.

not as a habit.  but like breathing.

letting him sculpt me.

to be his workmanship.

his poem.

 yep.  sculpted.
and not afraid to do new things.  i am fearless.  i found how to be fearless this last year.

i am proud of me.  even if nobody else sees.  or knows how far i've come.  i am real.  i am ok.  i am getting ready to bloom.  and i wait in anticipation.

and i enjoy simple pleasure.  i'm learning to be ok with that.  it doesn't take a lot to make me happy or even exuberant.  i enjoy being easily pleased.

and in my fearlessness, i've learned to grow accustomed to the curves and tunnels.  learned to navigate with a sense of trust rather than anxiety.

for the waters nor the flames will consume me.  i have lived, and will live. through many painful times.  i am not alone.  i am not a failure.  

and i want to learn how to leap more.  to dance freely.  i want to let go and relax.  i'm not there yet.  but i'm taking baby steps to find my way.

and i look forward.  without fear.  or anger.  or hatred.  but with a healthy sense of reality.  and a buttload of experience.  not looking for anyone to fill me.  or fix things.  just working on going forward with kindness....to others, but without forgetting myself.

blessings.