mixed feelings

i feel pretty good about my daughter's upcoming birthday weekend.  pretty good.  but not great.  it's mixed.  because i realized that my daughter doesn't ask for stuff for her birthday.  she hasn't.  not for years.  she asks for people.  she asks for support.  she asks for laughter.  and playing.  and it's so beautiful.  her birthday has come to be a reconnect for friendship.  i guess that it's appropriate since her birthday is on valentine's day.
i haven't quite pulled it off.  nearly.  and it makes me uncomfortable.  i don't invite people with the disclaimer that my daughter has so supported all of us with her sweet heart all of these years and this year she could really use the support.  the loving on.  the talking.  the laughing.  i just invite.  simply and plainly.
and i guess my mixed feelings come from the fact that i feel like i have failed her again.  i know that disappointment is a part of life.  i know that she knows it too.  i know that she wishes that her life were more simple.  but that there was more connection.  more people who chose to be with her.  she is well liked and very much alone.  if she doesn't initiate stuff, she doesn't get invited.
but for her birthday it is my job.  and it's funny because the people she wants there aren't just her peers.  she wants the women who make her feel safe.  and loved.  and confident.  because she has had a rough couple of years.  she has handled the divorce with such grace and without drama that people have failed to see her need.  have failed to understand how she needs what she asks for.
and this year she is especially vulnerable.  her heart has been crushed.  she has cried sobbed and suffered.  her best friend is going away this year.  life will change.  a lot.  for her.  she loves her with her whole heart.  and this year, it's most important to my daughter to have her "party"....outing....be complete.  with those who really love her.  who have nurtured.  to make a memory to hold.  because her friend will be at college. and though other birthdays will be good and fine, this friend is the one she plans around.  and this year is the last year of this childhood memory.
i tried.
but i guess i have mixed feelings.
i didn't beg.
i didn't explain.
i didn't do things that might cause guilt.
i hoped.
i prayed.
boy have i prayed.
because my daughter is valuable. but she really needs to be made to feel valuable.
one night.
once a year.
i want to say it outloud.
but when people have their own plans.  own wants.  well....somehow.....it's difficult for me to beg.  to convince.  to annoy.
maybe i figure that it's me.
that they aren't coming because something is annoying to them.
i'm not sure.
all i know is that i didn't quite pull it together.
two years ago this happened to a degree.
some people didn't come.
and there was a pall over dinner.
the girls missed the women.
but how do you explain?
how do you tell?
without guilting.
haven't figured it out.
so i have remained silent.
but i woke up this morning with some tears.  and prayers.
that my daughter's heart will be protected.
it's not because this is her birthday.
she does this because it is the thing that bolsters her for the year.
it's that connection.
that reboot.
it's her family reunion.
getting away from all else.
focusing on each other.
but, i have to get going soon.
have to be brave.
have to hug her.
and i have to go on.
even if i am sorry that my guess is that i have failed to be a person
that other people want to put things and plans aside
to accept my invite.
and i have come to learn to accept that for me.
but i didn't realize that it was going to rip my heart out when i was dealing with my daughter.
she needs this love.  this drawing in.  this building up.  life has been hard.
she has been strong.
this time helps her...like a retreat.
i've done what i can do.
it will be what it is.
just had to get out the hurt so that i can indeed be her mama.
and not fall apart.
blessings.  have a great weekend.  love on people.