searching

i have done a lot of searching in the last two years.
soul searching.
who am i?
how did i allow so many wrong years to go by in my marriage?
who should i be?
how do i honor god and does he find me supremely disappointing?
how do i grow?
how do i teach my children about god after their many years of having to please to be accepted and loved?

career searching.
what am i best at doing?
what inspires me?
how can i make a living.....financially?
how can i make a life.....happily?
what will it take to get from one place to the next?
do i even have to have a "career"...
maybe i just want to do something that pays the bills and gives me time to live.

beauty searching.
every day there is beauty.  did i see it?
the sunrise?
the sunset?
the moon?
the flowers?
the snowflakes?
the smiles?
the tears?
the yummy bread?
did i take time to stop and appreciate and savor?
did i find beauty within me?
within god's creation?
his people?
did i catalog it?
in my mind?
in my heart?

truth searching.
so many people say so many things.
what is true?
what is real?
what is Truth?
what is manipulation?
what helps?
what hurts?
what do i do right?
where am i failing?
who is my friend?
who has needed to walk away?

relationship searching?
again..who is really my friend?
not who have i known for a long time.
who calls me?
who writes me?
who inquires whether i am ok?
who takes time?
even when they have their own busy life?
who "sees" me?
who "hears" me?
who allows me to be a mess?
who fills my heart?
makes me want to be the best?
amazing even?
who lifts me up?
who tears me down?
who humiliates me?
who hurts me?
who scares me?
who lies to me?
who lies about me?
who tells me the truth?
who shows up?
who comes to my home?
who makes time to sit down and do more than chat?
who seems to watch the clock?
who only responds but never initiates?
what does being a great mom look like?
how do i repair the painful things that have happened to my children?
how do i be tender and stand strong?
how do i give but not enable?


i have done loads of searching these last years.
there has been a lot of fruit.
i am healing.
i am able to see more clearly and not be frightened by what i see.
i am able to face that things change.
and that people have to do what they have to do.
and that even if it hurts, i'll survive.
i am able to face that i probably will never be "normal"
and that that will mean that i won't often be sought after.
i am an introvert.  greatly so.
i require down time.
i tire when working in "on" mode all of the time.
i love life.
genuinely.
every beautiful aspect.
i write.
i think.
i love deeply.
i'm loyal.
i screwed up in my marriage.
i allowed my ex to continue bad behaviors.
i tried to change rather than standing up to him.
i gave in.
i tried to keep the peace.
but peace is not worth it if tension and meanness are the foundation.
i have found that i look forward to what my life will look like
not interested in a life career.
want to live.
want to enjoy fully.
want to see things.
i want to break out of this bubble that says that to be a grown up i have to look and behave a certain way.
i am ready.
just nearly ready.
i am going to...very soon...
fly.
blessings.