Got an email today from someone that I've seen a few times in the last twenty years. We talked last year....right after I separated. She emailed this week. I emailed back. She has questions about my life. What is happening. What is going on. I was pretty straight. She was nice enough. Though, very inquisitive. I find that I tell less and less to people. I have less and less motive to tell more. I am not looking to be absolved. I don't feel a need to be accepted based on my decision. I don't know when that happened. I do know that this lady was nice enough to say that she loves me always....and is praying for me and my kids. And that while she doesn't know or understand....she loves. Good enough. Pretty mature, really.
I am finding that I turn most places and find someone who has something to say.
But, sometimes I get tired of having to talk to people about it. Of having to answer questions. Even if the answer is that I'm not going to tell all of the details. Just tired of feeling like my ex will be a part of my life conversations with people for a long time. Blah.
Sometimes, I have a sense of the freedom that awaits me. I know that it is more a state of mind and heart than of reality. That I have to decide. It's just that I get tired sometimes. Hugs are few. Understanding is not the norm. Most people are incredulous. Makes me feel badly. Torn. Not wanting to dish out dirt and yet wanting to scream it. To just let them know that he was totally not the man for me to be married to. That our marriage was not what it seemed. That depression creeped in. Crazy feeling...as he just seemed to make me feel more and more lousy about myself as the years went by. And yet, some people attempt to make me feel guilty for talking about myself. Like I'm not supposed to think of me at all. I tried that route in life. It didn't turn out so well. So, I'm going to try to live differently. Not selfishly. But not without self. Balanced. Fearless.
Fiercely fearless. Forward moving. Though people keep trying to suck me backwards. Questioning. Doubting. Troubling. A few supporters. Not of divorce, but of me. Of who I am. Of who I need to become.
I want to turn around and not have to face inquiring minds. I'm tired tonight. Probably because I had to write him an email and I put that off as long as I can because then I have to face that "he" will be in my inbox and I'll have to deal with it.
Need a hug. Needy feeling. But....so sure. Not turning back.
blessings.
I am finding that I turn most places and find someone who has something to say.
But, sometimes I get tired of having to talk to people about it. Of having to answer questions. Even if the answer is that I'm not going to tell all of the details. Just tired of feeling like my ex will be a part of my life conversations with people for a long time. Blah.
Sometimes, I have a sense of the freedom that awaits me. I know that it is more a state of mind and heart than of reality. That I have to decide. It's just that I get tired sometimes. Hugs are few. Understanding is not the norm. Most people are incredulous. Makes me feel badly. Torn. Not wanting to dish out dirt and yet wanting to scream it. To just let them know that he was totally not the man for me to be married to. That our marriage was not what it seemed. That depression creeped in. Crazy feeling...as he just seemed to make me feel more and more lousy about myself as the years went by. And yet, some people attempt to make me feel guilty for talking about myself. Like I'm not supposed to think of me at all. I tried that route in life. It didn't turn out so well. So, I'm going to try to live differently. Not selfishly. But not without self. Balanced. Fearless.
Fiercely fearless. Forward moving. Though people keep trying to suck me backwards. Questioning. Doubting. Troubling. A few supporters. Not of divorce, but of me. Of who I am. Of who I need to become.
I want to turn around and not have to face inquiring minds. I'm tired tonight. Probably because I had to write him an email and I put that off as long as I can because then I have to face that "he" will be in my inbox and I'll have to deal with it.
Need a hug. Needy feeling. But....so sure. Not turning back.
blessings.
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