Growing up

I am finding that I have a lot to learn.  Relearn.  Figure it out.  I am not who I want to be.  I don't listen well enough.  I am bossy.  I sometimes shut people down because I get so passionate about something that I've heard that I don't realize how know it all I am sounding.  But I am learning.  I am not upset with myself.  I lived through a lot of shit.  A lot.  I am striving to do so much more than survive.  I am trying to.....thrive...to become who I know that I can be.  Thankfully I have friends who put up with the in between and even seem to treat me like I'm already there.  I love that they love me so well.

But, though they do, I still want to grow.  I want to be fruitier..you know, love joy peace patience goodness faithfulness gentleness and self control....fruits of the spirit.  Living and breathing not religiously, but deeply knowing that every breath comes from Him that all things, including me, are held together by Him.  And in being that close to Him...not just studying about Him, but by abiding in Him.....I want to begin to show His character in the world.  Not so I'll be popular.  Not so that I'll be more acceptable.  Not so that the religious ones will point at me and be proud.  Nope.  Somehow I've changed...I want it so that people will see what a mess I am and have been and point to Him and know that He CAN do anything and can LOVE anyone.  Even me.

I want to live happy.  Yes, joyful.  That part that is inside...but also...happy.  A happy heart makes the face cheerful.  A heart that knows that it is forgiven.  A heart that knows that it doesn't have to and cannot possibly earn grace or love.  A heart that is at peace.  A heart that is infused with joy and hope.  How can one like this help but also be.....happy?

Free.  Unhindered.  Untroubled.  

Breathing.  Laughing.  Dreaming.  Open.  Vulnerable.

I want to LIVE.  I want to live big.  I want to give without thought.  Serve without regret.  I want to meet my own needs AND go into the world and make a difference.  I want to look and see and taste and know that God is good.  

I lost my heart for a long time.  I gave it to someone who didn't take care of it.  Who had a knack for causing me to be invisible, without a voice.  I have found and am finding my voice.  I still feel invisible sometimes, but time will help.  I have to learn new habits.  I have practiced the old ones for so long....protecting his heart and forgetting that I should be able to be protected too.  

I am growing up.  In all of the best ways.  I'm loving it.  I am happy.

blessings to you.