Thanks, mama

I'm the little one.  The pretty lady is my mom.  Was my mom.  A couple of years later, my mom was gone.  Victim of a drunk driver.  I often think of all of the things that I'd like to share with my mom.  I remember some things so very vividly.  She liked photos booths.  She like Orange Julius.  She was very stylish.  She was a cheerleader.  She was a beautician.  She was so many things that I never was and never will be.  But, she was things that I am.  She was smart.  And caring.  She was fiercely loyal.  She would keep hoping.  She was strong.  She was kind.  My mom had a way of making me feel important even though I was just a little kid.  She sang with me in the car. She let me put my head in her lap and sleep.  But, she died.  And she had to leave me though I know she loved me.  And for over forty years, I have had to live without her presence.  Without her hand to hold.  Without her laughter to make things seem better. Without her advice to help in the hard times. Without her acceptance when the rest of the world is just thinking that I'm a loser.  I miss her.  Period.  And have come to realize that I will for all of my life.  Always.
And in a strange way, it helps me know why it's so important to me to be free from my marriage at this point in my life.  For my kids.  So that they can have a mom.  They were losing me.  I was losing me.  They need a mom.  They always will.  Someone who can function and give them what moms give.  Encouragement.  Blessing.  Hugs.  Money. ;)  Whatever they need at the time.  I needed to live.  Not just have breath..but able to breathe.  Able to give.
My mom wouldn't have gone out of my life willingly.  And I refuse to willingly stay in a place in life that keeps me from living and being able to love on my kids fully.  They are worth it.  And..slowly, I'm learning..I'm worth it.  Because just like my mom...I have more to give than just to my kids.  I have a purpose in life.
Yep.  I miss her.  But I sure have a lot of great people around.  And I am learning to be fearless.  Yeppers.  That's me.