Lazy

I find myself being much lazier now than in the past.  I know that some comes from depression.  But some comes just because I can.  Because I don't have to push.  Because I can sit and watch shows or relax or putter around at my leisure.  And I have to get used to that freedom.  I still have a sense of guilt.  Of looking over my shoulder. Of thinking that I better get to it.  But I want to do things that are important.  And I want to value things that I do.  Not just work because it's expected.  I want to find out who I am.
I am not lazy.  Although I behave in a lazy fashion these days.  It won't be forever.  It's just a little gift in the midst of this time.  A perk.
Divorce.  It has had perks for me.  As in being able to breathe.  The woman who said that I'm following the devil disguised as light....I think that she is mistaken.  I think that what I believed for so long was the lie.  That it's ok to be treated badly without the other one having no consequences.  It just allowed him to do it more and more.  It didn't make it better.  My allowing that actually was a bad thing for him too.  I should have parted sooner.  But it took me that long to learn. I always wanted to believe that it could all be ok.  That it would get better.  And I guess I also kind of thought that maybe that's just how it was in life.  Too bad.  So sad. But...finally, I couldn't do it anymore.  I was done.
Now I am lazy.  But getting better.  Finding a way to do those things that I should do.
blessings.