Inadequate

Some days I feel like I used to.  Inadequate.  That is how my ex seemed to like to see me feel.  Made him feel better.  To be the responsible one.  To be better.  Most of the time, I am over it.  I just figure that I am who I am.  Period.

But today was really busy.  And I have a lot going on at school.  And I'm trying to keep up at home.  And.  And.  And.  And on top of it all, I signed up for a professional development course and THEN found out that it is being run like a three credit college course.

I was feeling overwhelmed.  Conferences upcoming at school.  Booked my daughter's birthday overnight on the night that I have conferences!  Spent the day making alternative arrangements with parents.  Then went to the class.  After having read the class syllabus.  And I felt....stupid.  Unorganized.  Not as good as everyone else.  I was embarrassed.

Just felt like everyone but me has life together.  I started the lousy self talk.  I didn't feel fearless.  I felt beaten.  Down.  Hurt.  I felt just like I felt all of those years.  Too much.  No support.  No hugs.  No encouragement.  Aaaahhhhh!

But, I stopped.  I remembered.  I got to doing the things that I could do.  I took down one thing at a time.  Grades.  Posting grades.  Figuring out how to do an online class.  Choosing what to wear to the symphony tomorrow for school.  And I was feeling better.

I'm fearless you know.

But, as I've learned...when it rains, it pours.  I got a text that said that my ex is singing at church on Sunday.  Sigh.  And he is part of life still.  Sigh.  Communicates with people in my life.  It makes me feel creepy.  Not mad.  Not sad.  Just creepy.  It was just ANOTHER thing.  In a day of things.  With nobody to say, "there, there, it'll be ok."

As it turns out, there is someone.  That someone is me.  God tells me to choose.  Choose how to feel.  Choose how to behave.  Choose what to do about it when I don't like something.  To live.  To love.  Not to mope.  To have good attitudes.  

So, here I am.  Deciding to be fearless.  Deciding to kick the ass of scared and defeated.  I am sick of living in that place that my ex like putting me.  He liked it because it made him feel better.  Made him feel smarter.  Made him...superior.  

But I don't have to buy it.

I've got to choose anew.  Though it's HARD.  Like a weight that I have to lift every day.  But God is here.  Lifting too.  But, He uses my arms.  He makes me build my muscles.  He knows that HE can do it...He is working on letting me know that I can do this too...in Him.  

I find myself being my own worst enemy.  Taking over where he left off.  Making sure that I feel adequately put down.  Telling myself that this is what I get for not living up to being the good christian wife.
But...then....I remember.  I'm happy for where I am.  I'm HAPPY.  And if I fail...at the class or at school or at home...OH WELL.  The world won't end.  It's no big deal.  It's just part of living.
Ha.  I win either way!!!
I am so happy.  Very happy.
Though a bit stressed.  Though a bit lonely tonight.  But this lonely is way better than married lonely.  I'm going to be just fine.

blessings to you.  and to me.