i woke up quite early. and i felt sick. early like three a.m. but i turned on my heating pad and went back to sleep so that i could go to my women's event today. woke up at seven a.m. sick. bathroom back to bed. but am i sick because of illness or emotions? i wasn't sure.
well, i got up. i went. i still don't feel good. so, a virus was probably in play. however, it was important for me to go. it was about our journey. our stages. our phases of life.
i even sang. and shared. and wrote fearless on my paper so that i could remember. focus on the moment. my mind kept going to the having to share time. to the chat time that was coming at the end. to the fact that my ex was going to be there. i would get cold. my heartbeat would speed up. and then i'd remember again....fearless. focus on here. on now. on learning. and i would do it for a bit. i can see that it's a process.
when i got home, my aunt that has ignored me for months...and frankly, for years before that....had posted on my "fearless" note that i had posted on facebook in an effort to let people know where i am. what i have chosen. she says that she can't choose apathy so she chose to declare their love. but, it didn't feel like love. it felt like manipulation. it felt like she was saying it with attitude. with a "look what we are doing for you." and she had to mention my ex by name. and she acted like they have been so loving all of the years in between...when really, i rarely heard from them. even in response to my initiation....since my grandma died. how weird it is to see her post on my wall. to hear her say what she said. i guess it feels condescending. not supportive. but perhaps that is just my pain talking. the bottom line is that it doesn't matter. i have to decide. i have to walk. i have to move. in my own life. period.
i made it through the church event. i made it through a friend that is totally oblivious to my pain. though with the pain she has, i thought she'd do better than that. i made it through the ones who would look away and make a beeline for another area when they caught my eye by accident. it was almost comical. pretending that i wasn't there. oh well.
tough day. good day. i am blessed.
well, i got up. i went. i still don't feel good. so, a virus was probably in play. however, it was important for me to go. it was about our journey. our stages. our phases of life.
i even sang. and shared. and wrote fearless on my paper so that i could remember. focus on the moment. my mind kept going to the having to share time. to the chat time that was coming at the end. to the fact that my ex was going to be there. i would get cold. my heartbeat would speed up. and then i'd remember again....fearless. focus on here. on now. on learning. and i would do it for a bit. i can see that it's a process.
when i got home, my aunt that has ignored me for months...and frankly, for years before that....had posted on my "fearless" note that i had posted on facebook in an effort to let people know where i am. what i have chosen. she says that she can't choose apathy so she chose to declare their love. but, it didn't feel like love. it felt like manipulation. it felt like she was saying it with attitude. with a "look what we are doing for you." and she had to mention my ex by name. and she acted like they have been so loving all of the years in between...when really, i rarely heard from them. even in response to my initiation....since my grandma died. how weird it is to see her post on my wall. to hear her say what she said. i guess it feels condescending. not supportive. but perhaps that is just my pain talking. the bottom line is that it doesn't matter. i have to decide. i have to walk. i have to move. in my own life. period.
i made it through the church event. i made it through a friend that is totally oblivious to my pain. though with the pain she has, i thought she'd do better than that. i made it through the ones who would look away and make a beeline for another area when they caught my eye by accident. it was almost comical. pretending that i wasn't there. oh well.
tough day. good day. i am blessed.
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