Over it

To some degree, after this year and a half, I'm "over it".  I'm over much guilt.  I'm over much grief.  I'm over much shame.  I'm over the constant jabs and inconsiderations.  Oh, I vent when they occur again, but I don't even care if he knows any more.  He didn't care when we were married.  So, I wonder what made me think that he would care how I felt or what I needed after we weren't married.  That doesn't even make sense.
Today was another example of how he stumbles through our world trying  to show how he is parenting and doing his share while not communicating nor making a plan.  Our daughter was not going to go on her weekend retreat because she had things to do with school.  He said that he would drive her a day late.  Now, I didn't hear from him, mind you.  He didn't ask if she could go.  He didn't ask if I had plans.  He didn't communicate by email text or smoke signal.  My daughter told me this information.  And then I asked if I should go to the church to pay..since we hadn't signed up.  She wasn't sure if it had been paid.  She did know that she was going to have to sleep on the floor while others were going to have beds.  They are staying in condos in the mountains.  My ex works with the youth.  He has influence within the leaders.  It is awkward because I want my daughter to be free to share.  To be truthful.  Yet....she is kind of caught.  I'm not saying that she needs to go and air laundry about her dad, just that it's not like she could...or should.  He has set himself up as a victim.  My daughter would not be received well by some if she said anything negative.  Anyway, he is taking her up.  With a friend who needed to go late as well.
So, my daughter tells me last night that she's getting picked up at 7:30 this morning.  I was up early.  Wasn't sure about breakfast or anything.  You know, since there was no plan.  She thought they might get something on the way....I hope so....she gets cranky when she doesn't get food regularly. ;)  Then, she and I spent about half an hour waiting on the porch steps for her dad to arrive.  Suddenly, her friend's dad's car pulls up!  Have I mentioned that I am BRALESS AND IN MY PJ'S?  I run for the house while apologizing to my daughter that I didn't know that people were coming.  She's laughing.  I go get decent and go back out in time to wave goodbye to the dad of her friend...who probably thought that I was fleeing from HIM.  Yikes.  I was, but not for the reasons he might have supposed.  Waited with she and her friend for a few more minutes and then had to take care of the dogs inside...while I was in, her dad arrived and got out of his car to help load up their bags and sleeping bags.  As they were leaving, I waved and said goodbye to her and to have a good time....he turned and said thanks.  SERIOUSLY???
It was just classic.  Made plans to do things at MY HOUSE.  To have people meet here without even telling me.  Without even touching base so that I would know that our daughter was actually doing as she said.....not that she's a liar, but frankly, if she was, with this setup, she could get away with a lot.
I had to give her the money for the weekend meals.  I get to pay.  But he does the things that give him the most advertising for the least amount of input.  Everyone at church will know what he did.  Nobody knows that he sees her irregularly and never personally.  He gets to look like the doting father while also getting to have very little responsibility.  He doesn't train or discipline.  He doesn't teach or mentor.  He doesn't get challenged and questioned.  He's just....a guy.  That drives.  Or takes to dinner.  Or plays games.
And I guess all of this got me to the point of seeing how....over it I am.  Just don't care.  I feel sorry for him.  There is this part of me that feels that I should go back to my role of making things right for him.  Habit.  I know that isn't the voice of truth.  Just the voice of who I am and how I care and the fact that I really hate seeing people uncomfortable...hurting.  But I'm over feeling like crap every time someone sees him and idolizes what he does.  And the fact that I don't get even the slightest recognition from those same church people.  I'm over it....because what they see isn't TRUE.  And while I am never going to have people see and understand.....it doesn't really matter.  My kids know.  I know.  And that's good enough.  We are able to admit the truth.  Even when it's ever so quietly.  And at the same time, I'm able to allow him to do what he can and take credit for all.  That's how it has always been.  And by personality, I probably won't change it.  I have no desire to be in the limelight.  I simply have a desire to make sure that my kids feel heard, loved, safe, pushed adequately, and absolutely treasured.  That they are confident in that.  And.....who gets the credit?  Who cares?
I'm over it.
People who know me.....might understand.  People who know him....wait, I don't think there are any.  He fakes it.  And that is a very sad place to be.
However...it gets some good things for the kids, so leaving it be is ok.
I'm smiling.  Hugely.  As I realize once again...I'm not only relieved, I'm HAPPY.  GLORIOUSLY HAPPY.  I choose joy.
I choose happy.
I choose....love.
I choose forgiveness.
I choose to be over it.
To be real about what I feel and to realize that how people view me isn't based on truth but on the spin that they see.  Oh well.
Onward.
I have a great life.
blessings.