today was a really hard day. i had to go back to work. i like my job. i like the people. but...today, it felt like a lead weight fell upon me and i have had strangest desire to simply just weep today.
i live in a flood zone. nobody i talk to is not affected. some don't have flooded houses, but the stories are unreal. a guy at my work floated down the river in his car...and thankfully got out safely.
i am simply finally feeling the weight of grief. compassionate grief. the pain that others must feel weighs on me. my heart cries out. mercy. mercy. they need help. hope.
and i see the help. i see hope. but still, that doesn't make it easy.
it would be easier to crawl into my own little shell and stay in my own little world that is safely unflooded. but i cannot do that and honor the jesus that comforts me. because he comforts me...i should comfort them. because he loves me...i should love them. and i can never experience what it is to truly rise up on wings like an eagle if i never stretch beyond what i am able to do on my own. i can never run and not grow weary if i never get my heart rate up. i can never know how much god can give if i always live within my reserve.
today i had to leave my kids for the first day since the big flood. we have processed together. been amazed together. and being apart from them caused me anxiety. it was weird. i was horribly stressed. and ever since, all i want to do is weep. but no time for that yet. have a meeting to go to for where my kids will be attending school. all i can think is "where will the kids park"? there's no lot at this place. and it's a stupid thought. it will all be fine. i'm just emotional and not thinking as clearly. needing a hug. a long, holding on hug. a place just to be a person and not a mama. or a teacher.
my heart aches. throbs. my eyes are full and sting from the salty tears that have threatened all day. like the clouds that have hovered all afternoon. i know that finally they will burst out. but for now, i have to keep on my going out countenance.
and it was hard today because my kids were left where they were working without any of the adults that i thought would be there. they felt..abandoned. i hate that i did that to them. makes me hurt. even more.
but so much good has come too. it's not bad emotions. it's just emotion. like a rising tide. welling up. a part of being human. of seeing our total lack of control and yet our resiliency. i am awestruck.
i want to help those hurting even more, but i have to work. and that frustrates me. it stresses me to have my mind and heart so divided. i want to be with my family. i want to hear and see how they are processing and what they are doing. but...i have to do my pay job as well.
and right now all i want is a nice long hug and a blanket and bed. but it is not to be. so...onward.
blessings.
i live in a flood zone. nobody i talk to is not affected. some don't have flooded houses, but the stories are unreal. a guy at my work floated down the river in his car...and thankfully got out safely.
i am simply finally feeling the weight of grief. compassionate grief. the pain that others must feel weighs on me. my heart cries out. mercy. mercy. they need help. hope.
and i see the help. i see hope. but still, that doesn't make it easy.
it would be easier to crawl into my own little shell and stay in my own little world that is safely unflooded. but i cannot do that and honor the jesus that comforts me. because he comforts me...i should comfort them. because he loves me...i should love them. and i can never experience what it is to truly rise up on wings like an eagle if i never stretch beyond what i am able to do on my own. i can never run and not grow weary if i never get my heart rate up. i can never know how much god can give if i always live within my reserve.
today i had to leave my kids for the first day since the big flood. we have processed together. been amazed together. and being apart from them caused me anxiety. it was weird. i was horribly stressed. and ever since, all i want to do is weep. but no time for that yet. have a meeting to go to for where my kids will be attending school. all i can think is "where will the kids park"? there's no lot at this place. and it's a stupid thought. it will all be fine. i'm just emotional and not thinking as clearly. needing a hug. a long, holding on hug. a place just to be a person and not a mama. or a teacher.
my heart aches. throbs. my eyes are full and sting from the salty tears that have threatened all day. like the clouds that have hovered all afternoon. i know that finally they will burst out. but for now, i have to keep on my going out countenance.
and it was hard today because my kids were left where they were working without any of the adults that i thought would be there. they felt..abandoned. i hate that i did that to them. makes me hurt. even more.
but so much good has come too. it's not bad emotions. it's just emotion. like a rising tide. welling up. a part of being human. of seeing our total lack of control and yet our resiliency. i am awestruck.
i want to help those hurting even more, but i have to work. and that frustrates me. it stresses me to have my mind and heart so divided. i want to be with my family. i want to hear and see how they are processing and what they are doing. but...i have to do my pay job as well.
and right now all i want is a nice long hug and a blanket and bed. but it is not to be. so...onward.
blessings.
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