Over the Pass

On my way home from dropping my son off at college, I had to choose how to go home.  Same way we came?  Or, North, over the many passes AND the million dollar highway that is hands down the scariest road I'd ever been on in my life.  Oh, I remembered it as soon as I made the decision.  But, going home that way allowed me the chance to hit the western slope and snatch up some lovely, end of summer produce.  And, to go through areas that are meaningful to me.  Off I went.  I got gas.  I became a sight seer.  I slowed my mind and heart.  Not on a race.  A journey.  Of discovering.  I had gone over two passes already....in the rain, mind you.  With tires that had begun to trouble me with the slickness and the no guard rails coming up.  Then, it began.  It's switchbacks and I was on the outside....the side with the cliff down the edge right next to me.  And...the white line was nearly right on the edge....with no rail anywhere.  And yes, rain.  Did I mention that I had another realization?  It was the beginning of Labor Day weekend.  Yes, all of the RVs were climbing the opposite direction.  There are no places where slow traffic can go right...and though it's unusual for me, I would have given anything for a place to get over!  Not my norm.  No, this road is different.  And beautiful.  Really beautiful.  But I was literally scared out of my mind.  The first time I had ever done it, it was an adventure.  It made me feel a sense of accomplishment.  This time, it pulled up every fear I have in every area of my life and challenged me.  Overwhelmed me.  And my prayers became so much more fervent.  I could not weep.  If I did, I wouldn't be able to see.  My mascara would burn my eyes.  I knew this.  So, I still my heart and listened.  And I heard.  Oh, you might say it was my own mind.  But, it was a voice that came with peace and calm.  "Quit looking over the edge, quit worrying about what could happen, quit berating your decision.  Drive.  Go forward.  Rest. Go your own speed.  Don't be pushed to rush."  And I calmed. I chose something different. I focused on the road and not the terror of the cliff.  And the road came to an end.  Well, that part.  And I sucked in air.  LOTS of it.  I felt..proud.  Because it wasn't about that road.  It was about the possibility of failure in my life.  It hangs over me all of the time.  I lived through so much that beat me down and I keep coming face to face with how fearful I had become. I used to ski like mad...the hard places.  I drove roads that would make you wet your pants.  I hiked.  I went places on trips in my car.  I traveled.  I wasn't afraid. Oh, I was smart.  I took what I needed in case of emergency.  Whether in car or on foot.  I didn't go four wheeling alone.  Nor camping.  Nor hiking.  I did do road trips.  But I let people know what direction I was heading.....you know, the days before cell phones. ;)  But I didn't second guess myself.  I didn't worry whether I had gotten it right.  I just enjoyed the trip.  I learned and grew.  And then, my marriage nearly destroyed me.  My ex nearly destroyed me.
He seems so nice and normal.  So helpful.  So regular.  But he liked for me to not be sure.  He was constantly throwing out how I was going to cause us ruin.  How irresponsible I was.  It made me sad.  It made me mad.  It hurt.  It never ended.  But what I didn't realize is that it had chipped away at my spirit so very deeply.  I thought that I could just go back to being brave and free.  But it turned out that he had stolen that very place that had existed.
But I went over the pass.  And I realized that the place can grow back because I have a garden of courage to nurture it.  I can grow it by continuing to choose to walk. By doing the things that are a part of my dream.  Of the fabric of who I am.  That's what healing looks like for me.  Not going back.  Going forward to find the woman that can be confident again.  For real confident.  I look forward to it.  Until then, there will be some hairy pass crossings.  But, I'll get over.  I have a Driver.  I'll be just fine.
blessings.