choice

i emailed my ex to tell him that his son would be gone...to visit the exes family....next week.  i realized how odd it was that he hadn't made any plans or done any inviting for the entire week.  my son's uncle was asking him on the phone if his dad was going to take off a day or two to do something with him.  hearing my son try to explain how his dad would save those days etc....it was sad.  he feels emotions that he doesn't know how to express.  and, he is going to visit his texas family because he feels badly that they need help.  he wonders why his cousins don't help get work done.  the boy takes on a lot of fixing roles.  as in, trying to hold things together for people.
but i made a choice to offer him the way to go do what he felt a need to do.  i didn't wait for him to ask.  he wouldn't have.  spending money scares him.  he is slowly recovering, but he still has trouble asking for what he wants.
i am so glad that i made the decision to not wait for four more years to divorce.  my kids have needed this time to heal.  time while they are still unmarried and still somewhat dependent.  watching them fill up and feel encouraged has been amazing.  a gift.
and i made a choice.  to spend money that i could use on something else to send my son to visit people who talk badly about me.  i hope that they don't.  because that would wound him.  i hope that they just keep it about him and encouraging him.
hope.
blessings.

ticket

just bought a ticket to send my son to visit my exes family in texas over spring break.  i had offered to buy a one way with my air miles if they would fly him back.  but...then....i got to buy both.  i am supposed to get paid for the return trip.  i probably will.  it's just odd to me that we were busy doing this when his dad didn't offer nor even talk to them about any ideas for this coming week.  it's odd that it was such a big deal for the whole large family to agree to go in together for a hundred and four dollar ticket.  i got his going ticket with air miles.  then, i bought his return ticket on priceline....using my air miles card, of course.  i was saving for a trip for myself this summer.  ah, the price of being a mama.
i'm happy that he's going.  a little sad since it was the last spring break for the three of us to have together.  but, he was excited.  he wants to help his uncle and grandparents with some work.
sigh.
i did a good thing.  a kind thing.  and...i like that about me.
blessings.

gift

each new day is a gift.  period.
let us rejoice and be glad in it.
see ya on the other side.

sick and tired.

for real.  not of something.  a cold.  watery eyes.  running nose.  and a big day ahead with amazing students.  but, i'mhappy to figure out why i've been so exhausted the last two days.  getting sick.  it comes when you teach.  just a part of life.  it's not horrific.  i'm not feverish.  just sick.  and i'll be better later.  of course, i did have a moment this morning of pity.  nobody to make me some food to eat.  to be sure i'm ok.  of course, i haven't had that in years and years.  so....i made myself lemon water.  a cup of coffee.  if i'm hungry on the way to work, i'll grab something.  problem solved.  life is too beautiful and my joy is too full to be stolen over silly self pity.  only a few moments of it to remind me how much lovelier it is to live in joy.
blessings.

househunting

today, i was househunting.  online.  as a way to let off steam.  stress.  to relieve that overwhelming sense of desiring to do good and being constrained by a system.
so, i fled to the beach.  if only in my mind.  and computer.  i started calculating if i could sell my house in a few years and buy something that i could be comfortable in and even enjoy visitors near enough to the ocean.  i think that it's doable.  and my heart lifted.  because there is a plan.  there is constant growing.  and there will be change.
i am not my job.  i am here for a time to do good.  to love.  to give.  to bring joy.  to encourage.  but it does not define me.  there will be other ways to "make a living" as i move along and make a life.  deeeppp breath.  dreaming is good.  especially...when it can happen.  love that.
blessings.

grandma

happy birthday grandma.  you are in your late nineties. ninety seven to be exact.  but not here on this earth.  you lived as long as you could and much past when you wanted.  the losses and pain that you faced in life were many.  you grew harsh.  i want to learn from that.  i want to make a different choice. tomorrow is the date that you died.  yesterday the date that you were born.  and today, i feel like i'm standing at the day in between.  it's a strange sensation.  i don't really understand it.  maybe it's just that i have learned so much in the last couple of years.  have learned how to give and receive love again. have learned that i deserve to be seen.  to be heard.
you were so angry at me when you were dying.  yet, this is the anniversary of one of the hardest nights of my life.  i stayed on the floor in your hospice room.  cold.  uncomfortable.  exhausted from the weeks of visiting first the hospital and then hospice every single day.  alone.  i was all alone.  everyone left.  i stayed with you.  i sat near you.  talked to you.  i wept.
i listened as you breathed less.  and then as you had the horrible "death rattle".  and then you were gone.  and i had to pack up your stuff.  get your pillow cases.  why do i remember that?  it was so surreal.  i had to wait alone for the coroner to come.  for you to be taken away.  and then i had to drive home.  alone.  in the pitch black.  absolutely spent.  unable to explain the experience that was death.
though you were angry.  though i disappointed you in almost every way.  still, i loved you.  and still, though it was a hard relationship, i miss you.  you were family.
but, i am glad that i am learning to let go of the hard parts and hold on to the good.
say hi to my mom.  i'm sure that the two of you have spent some amazing days.
love, me.

birthday

tomorrow would have been my grandmother's birthday.  in all of my dealing and coping today, i had to face things about her too.  i have had to face how i excused everyone for everything ever since i was a child.  i told my grandmother when i was visiting her one weekend how i was being abused at my step mom's.  i told her things that had happened.  i sobbed.  i begged.  i asked her to not send me back.  and i excused it when she did.  i told myself that she couldn't do anything. i felt responsible for "making trouble."  and i did that for my ex as well.  when i would set a boundary and say what i needed and he trampled it, i allowed it.  i thought that it must be my fault.  that i must be wrong in what is right and healthy.  but, strangely, when i get what i need, i have a fairly good idea of how things should work.  of how respect looks.  of how love works.  because, while i had some really screwed  up family members, i also had many people that god sent into my path to teach me and show me.  he sent guardians to guide me and help me.
but tomorrow would be grandma's birthday.  she has been gone a decade.  and while she didn't protect or even think highly of me much of the time.......there was a bond because of both of us having lost my mom.  her only daughter.  my only parent.  i think i'll go to their graves next week.  take some flowers.  take a photo.  remember.  face pain.  and move on.  she did the best she could.  and, though i should have thrown an tantrum and kept complaining, i did what i do....survived.  i am strong.  i have come through much.  i have a god who has met me in every situation.
i guess what i really learned in the last couple of years is how to be weak...and let god be enough.  that has been fun.  well, hard, but satisfying.
blessings to you.

guilt trip

my ex nurtured a relationship with the parents/family of my son's best friend AFTER my son was not speaking to his dad.  he began this relationship after he and his son were estranged.  and he didn't tell the people that he doesn't see his son.  there was a big meltdown at christmas when my son realized what had been happening.  he was furious.  he lost it.  so, as soon as he arrived home this spring break, he was invited to dinner again.  he was questioned by the mom about his dad.  he said that he doesn't speak to him.  she said, "well i like him."  my son went about his business.  he didn't say all of the things he could have.  he let it go.  he enjoyed his friend.  he tried to have things be like they had been.  but.
his dad did this.  he laid it out so that my son would be caused guilt and shame.  he went and acted extra nice.  remember....AFTER he and my son weren't talking.  before, he would see them occasionally at school events or in passing moments...as you do with the parents of your teen aged children.  but now, he has dinner there.  spends time.
he is doing the same thing to my son that he does to me.  he grooms those people that we are closest to.  he puts on an act of how wonderful he is.  he nurtures a relationship with them.  he lets me...or my son...take the fall for being bad or unaccepting or unkind.  he puts a lot of effort into showing up everywhere, into being mr. popular.
all to have others lay a guilt trip on us.  for me, i'm kind of over it.  though, the hurt remains that he is still so self centered that he would do so.  but for my son, i ache.  his dad could have so easily have made it easier on him.  he could have taken responsibility to them.  he could have bowed out graciously.  he could have apologized.  could have.  but did none of those things.
he is so extremely self oriented.  he doesn't see anyone else.  he sees everything and everyone as to how they benefit him or increase his reputation.
and i felt sorry for him this week as i realized how near to the end of the parenting years he is and how he never has allowed himself to see anyone else...including his kids.  unless they are performing and making him look good, then he claims parenthood.  they are useful items for him socio-emotionally.  when he has nothing better to do or he's lonely, then he wants to be a parent.  his kids have gotten old enough to realize this.  yet, they can love him anyway.  and do love him.  i wish he understood what a gift he has received.  
the guilt trip sure requires a lot of baggage. :)
today has been a difficult day as i worked through the nightmare and the emotions that came from it.  i choose to do those hard things now.  no sense running...they are there.  no sense stuffing them...they'll just pop up when i least expect it.  best to face the painful things.
and in that, i was so proud of myself.
blessings.

dreams....the terrible kind

ever so often...though it's rare now....i am visited by those dreams that plagued me for so long when i was married and thereafter.
last night's dream involved people talking about something i had done....i can't remember what the great offense was, and it wasn't the point ........they were talking about my wrongdoing, my ex was standing and nodding his head in assent.  i was being hung out to dry.  and yet, the thing that they were talking about was something that i knew for a fact that he had done.  the clincher?  i had lost my voice.  i was paralyzed in place.  i couldn't speak.  i couldn't write.  i couldn't tell them the truth.  his mom was there.  his family.  the church.
yes, i lost my voice.  and while i have regained it to a point, i know that the idea of graduation and having them talking about me again..in my sight...is hard.  it makes me feel helpless.  at least...at a subconscious level.  it steals my power.  my courage.  my voice.  my joy.
but only if i allow it to be so.
i cannot wish them silent.  i cannot explain in a way that they will agree.  i've tried.  i am not heard.  so, what can i do?  for, i have come to know that i am not powerless.  i can pray.  i can stand.  i can face it with courage.  and if it becomes too much, i can ask for help.  i can remember that i'm happy to not be living with that sickness anymore. i can be full of joy and peace and kindness.  i can realize that i'm stressed and take more care of me.  rest.  food.  alone time.  friend time.  and maybe at some point i will have to speak.  maybe it will even create a problem.  and if that time comes, i can just trust that god will give me the words when it's time.
but the dream.  hate it.  wake up trembly with residue of dried tears in my eyes and on my face.  weak.  cold.  exhausted.
but...i'm glad for it.  because now i know how to arm myself.  i know how i am really feeling.  i know where my fears are.  i know how to combat them.
onward.
blessings this sunday to you!

quiet

sometimes, i just need quiet.  i don't mean that i just want it...i mean NEED.  for years, i gave it up.  i was guilted and pushed to meet needs.  to be with everyone all of the time.  for years.  no wonder i nearly didn't survive.  who i was wasn't honored.  the boundaries that i need for survival were trampled.
and i have had to learn how to live as i need in the now.  slowly.  learning.
at the end of a week, i need time when my kids don't need me.  it's not that i don't love them.  it's not that i don't enjoy our time.  it's that i have to refuel.  i find myself cleaning/organizing in my room.  or spending time in my bed on saturdays.
and i have suffered guilt and shame from doing so.
until i began to remind myself that i'm doing it for all of us.
when i'm healthy, our family is healthy.
so, today is a putter for me day.  minimal interaction.
breathing.
watching hgtv.
enjoying.
resting.
i need quiet in the world.  time with my brain.  to think.
to write. to dream.
then i can live in the world all of the rest of the time.
breath.  deep breath.
i am learning.

a picture

this week, someone from my past found me again.  she had been out of my life for many years and then we reconnected.  when i told her about my divorce, i didn't hear from her anymore.  it was one of those breath stealing times that are like taking a belly flop off of the high dive.  but then, suddenly, this week...she reappeared.  she said that she had written me without hitting reply and had pulled up a decades old email address.  she wrote me and sent pictures of herself.  she told me how special i am and that my life circumstances would not change that.  she tells me how glad that she is that i'm happy.  she says what a miracle that is!  she soothed my soul as a mother soothes her infant.  calmly.  wow.  when the pictures of her came, i was exuberant.  and pained.  i have missed a lot of years with her.  i cried seeing her.  she is beautiful, but has obviously aged.  but i think the thing that really trampled my soul was the emotion that flooded over me as i remembered how close we had been and how marrying my ex had changed all of that.  it took me all of these years to see how it was orchestrated that there was never time for me to have time to go and visit...even when we were an hour away and i could have driven there on my own.  no time on my own to spend with her.  to share.  we met up with her once with all of our kids and foster kids and my brother in law....i didn't get to visit.  i got to watch kids.  and now i see so clearly.  and it hurts.  and then.........it feels awesomely powerful because i realize that i get to choose again.  i get to decide.  i figured it out and i was brave enough to make a change.  and that's beautiful.  painfully beautiful.
she has written me a few times this week.  she asks her sweet questions about who is who in my pictures and she talks "shop" because we are both passionate about kids.  and she trusts me decision to divorce.  she doesn't ask why or what happened.  she just says that it must have been necessary.  and that makes the tears flow.  family.  someone who is on my side.  who sees me for who i am.  who doesn't demand explanations nor excuses.  someone who treats me as me.  the me that i was.  who i am becoming again.  a human being.  flawed.  but beautiful.  unique.  created.  wow.
the picture of her is a stark reminder.  a memo.  a notation.  life goes by fast.  we all age and eventually we are gone.
i lived for a long time being afraid that she would die and i wouldn't know.
she is the one that i called the first week that i was married.  the only one that i ever voiced doubts about my marriage in those early days.
she didn't fight to stay in contact.  and that is hard.  but, she's not my mom nor family.  yet...in some way, she is.  heart family.  a blessing given.
even if this is all there ever is.  this moment.  this connection.  this acceptance.  it's satisfying.  it is whole.  it requires no promises of a future.
and yet...who knows....maybe.
blessings.

still with me

my mom passed away over 43 years ago.  she was just 24 years old and i was five.  wow.  a lot of years have gone by.  how can it be that she is with me still?

i shared this on facebook today.  a distant relative reminded me that my mom would know me instantly in heaven.  i bawled.  i mean, i read it and wept all in one motion.  because my mom is still with me.  somehow her love has transcended the years.  her strength.  perhaps it is the residue of her prayers that has stuck on me.  i don't know.
i just know that she is more a part of me than the man that i spent over 20 years married to.  love does that. it connects.  it binds.  it makes me sad that i don't miss my ex, but i truly don't.  i'm glad to have moved on.  it was certainly time.  and yet, i wonder if people think that i just don't have what it takes to stick.  to understand.
i know that is not true.  my mother has been gone for all of those years and yet her love remains with me still.  i have friends that are like that too.
i loved my ex the very best i could.  it was not reciprocated.  i was not someone who pleased.  but, i pleased my mom.  she knew me and liked me.  yep, i was only a little kid.  but i was her little kid.  hers alone.  she raised me and took care of me.  she talked to me and taught me songs.  she gave me something secure to carry me through life.
i am so very blessed to have had a mother's love.  though it was brief.  very brief.  nonetheless, it was.  and that makes all of the difference.
blessings.

that which is growing

that which is green and growing does not burn in the fires of life.

 the smoke and the flame may singe.  but, they pass over the parts that are living.  consuming the dead and dried up, they move on.

 i left my garden in such a state last year.

 and now it is being consumed by flames.  i find it healing.  it was a good day.

 a box of matches.  a shovel.  loads of rest and happiness.  it's work...but a good kind of work.

 the green looks even greener next to the ash.

 the cheerful sign next to the old delphinium reminds me that life comes again after death.

and though i feel the heat sometimes, if i am growing, green, soft and willing, i will perhaps be a little wilted but not consumed.

what a glorious thing.  and great motivation to live.  to grow.  to perk up.  to not dry up and be as dead.  

in the flames, there is hope.  and beauty.  i love it. 

good morning

hi.  happy sunday.

remember how i've been tired?  that hasn't changed.  though i've slept and rested.  i struggle with the journey sometimes.  and yet....what a wonderful journey it has been.

it's beautiful.  every day.  and even if i have to slow down, it's still amazing.  slowing down means that i get to stop and appreciate things better.  thankful.  being thankful no matter what comes.  no matter how hard it becomes.  some journeys that are walked with people all around are walked alone.  with others conveniently unaware of the deepest struggles.  of the pain.  

i am so very thankful that pain has been manageable.  that my body responds well to nutrition and better habits.  

yet, today, i just want to be energetic.  i don't want to have to push myself to be that way.  

but what is...is what is.  profound, huh?  so true.

so i will push through some of the lethargy.  the pain.  the tired.

and i will rise.

and get some things done.

and laugh with my children.

those things are healing.

they make life worth it.

even when it takes every last drop of strength.

what better can i give my strength to than my life?

no sense saving it.

life ends

but not yet.

right now, i have things to look forward to and things to plan for.

today i woke up sorry that i spent so many years with someone that sucked so much out of me.  but then i remembered that every person and every moment brought me to where i am now...was used by god to mold and shape and prepare...so, i take it, though i do wish that i could have back the strength and effort that i put into a person that simply didn't appreciate nor care for my brand of love.

ok.

have to put my feet on the floor and get a move on.

i know that i CAN.  i do it so often on these days.  so much so that nobody even notices.  but right now, i just want to turn over and go to sleep.  for about a week.  with someone waiting on me.

ha. :) i would hate that in short order, i think.

no. 

i bask in the chance to rise again.

the opportunity of a fine new day.

off i go.

enjoy yours.

blessings.

saturday

i have found that i am tired these days.  more than i expected, i guess.  last night i was asleep at about 8 and slept all night long.  i've been mostly lazy today.  feels good.  down time.  without guilt.
i got a birthday present today.  it was so thoughtful because it was one of those things that i love but most people don't realize it.  old oil paintings in the really old wood frames.  beautiful.  a cottage.  touching.  i was hesitant whether i wanted a gift so early.  my birthday is nearly a month away and i usually only get about one present.  sometimes two.  and one card in the mail.  but this year, i probably won't get that one. soooo....i hesitated.  then i decided, what the heck.  i might as well take it and open it and be thankful in the now.  how cool that someone thought of me!  that was a gift all in itself.
i will be 49 this year.  pretty awesome.  i am choosing to remember what a gift life is.  to embrace growing older.  it's not a given.  it's a gift.
tonight i'm gonna have a glass of wine, watch a few shows and relax.  without guilt.  though i've only done laundry and made one donation box for goodwill today.  oh well.  life goes on.
blessings.

money

everyone keeps needing money.  my friends.  house taxes.  groceries.  gas.  my kids...did i say that?  there's graduation. three in college.  phone service just took a big hike.  so much stuff.  and yet.  somehow.  i feel relaxed.  when my son was in need, i just did it.  it was ok.  i have stuff, but god always makes it work at the right time.  so somehow i have changed.
and some would say i'm just being optimistic.  that i'm not realistic.  that i'm irresponsible.  and i put that on myself for awhile this morning.
why aren't you worrying? why aren't you getting freaked out?
and then.
i laughed.
worry.
why?
it all works out somehow.  just at the right time.
every time i try to plan it all out and be on top of every single thing, i still find that there are things that i didn't plan on.  so why do i try to control it?
and why do i feel like it's my obligation to worry?
because of my marriage.
responsible meant that i was supposed to worry.
turn out.
i don't have to.
it's all ok.
somehow.
though i don't have it under control.
god does.
he knows.
he already knew.
makes me smile.
worry has melted.
and though it rises now and again,
mostly,
i just find joy in living.
simply living.
breathing.
loving.
giving.
in being present.
in believing in a huge god
and not that i have to help him
.
money is an amazing thing.
especially as i let go of it.
and the worry of it.
and don't make my decisions based upon it.
but upon what god has for me.
imagine that.
really imagine it.
i'm just a newbie.
god doesn't need me to plan my fiscal life.
he needs me to live the life he made for me.
planned for me.
to do and experience and meet those that he means for me to

life is sweet.
and salty.
i love the journey.
blessings.

walking along

 we are walking.  yesterday it was three miles around the lake.  with our three dogs.  the three of us.  it was far.  we were brave.  we enjoyed.  we felt good and accomplished.

and the sun settled in behind the mountains.  easing itself gently down for the night.  it was gorgeous.  

our dogs were so happy.  and....after most of the three miles, our one year old would heel and sit when i told her.  happy.

 my daughter wore her slippers.  a little humorous.

 look, there's my shadow.  i'm so tall!! and my dog looks big...but she's really the size of a corgi.  ha.  we walked and walked and walked.

 and the sun kept settling down.  it was truly gorgeous.  joyful.  though a path is hard and long, there is still joy.  this trip reminded me of that fully.  my first real walk in about nine months and i went three miles.  tonight was only one mile.  but i'm walking again.

 up. moving. choosing joy.  choosing good.  choosing to open my eyes and see.  really see.  to enjoy.  to be joy full.  to serve.  to laugh. to dance.  to be crazy.  to be thankful.  to be involved in my own life.  alert to it.  not settling.

i walked around this lake.  i am getting stronger.  because one day, i am going to walk around europe.  i am going to prepare.  to be ready.  it's not here yet, but it's coming.  and i am going to be not only physically strong, but i am going to be a joy expert.  i am going to be able to see the good even on the down days..  i'm going to be able to be thankful even when things don't go according to plan.  i am going to be ready to savor every scent, view, voice, moment.  because i am in training one step at a time.  life is a dear gift.  i've come to appreciate it.  and though it was too long coming, hopefully not too late.  knowing that life is short a a good reminder.  and i shall be glad of the reminder.
blessings.

SOS

SECRET OPTIMISM SOCIETY (S.O.S.)

Mission: To change the school one attitude at a time

Bylaws:

1. Thou shalt not take thyself seriously.

2. Thou shalt laugh freely at and make jokes about sex, bodily functions, etc.

3. Thou shalt compliment 1 adult and 1 child each day.

4. Thou shalt spread joy and cheer where and when it's needed most (i.e. with a smile, chocolate, hug, etc.).

5. Thou shalt swear freely except among children, admin, or non-Society members.

6. Thou shalt stay hydrated and healthy throughout the school day in order to exude and feel joy & happiness.

7. Thou shalt be eliminated if thou does not comply with Society bylaws.

Thou shalt enter classrooms of Society members for impromptu dance parties when students are not present.

I joined a secret society.  It makes me smile every day.  Work is a pleasure with these ladies.  And, don't be put off by the cursing addendum.  Nor the sex.  It's just the being able to laugh about kids passing gas or saying the oddest things.  It's seeing the humor when someone says something funny.  And not being shy about laughing.  

I didn't write the bylaws...but I said that we needed it. 

Others joined.  We dance.  Seriously....crazily...silly fashion.

And we laugh.

And we aren't snarky.

And we compliment.  And say hello.  And chat.

Ah.

Relief.

Life was getting too serious.

Now, to share the wealth.

Truly.

blessings.

hope and a prayer

drove with son again.  last time was chaotic and sad.  we both cried.  it was important to get him back behind the wheel confidently.  so, i prayed.  with him.  in the car.  for peace and safety.  for a calm and encouraging spirit.  for his sense of confidence.  and god answered.  i love that.
and then we all ate the yummy crock pot roast.  we sat around the table and discussed this book that we are reading about how people are wired and how to find their purpose.  it was good.
daughter is on to shower.  son has paid his deposit for college.  we are watching tarzan...the disney cartoon.  we are quite happy.  quite.  content.
warm chocolate pudding in a bowl.  thinking of having popcorn.
life is so easy now.  actual living.  true living.
we are at home when we are in our house.  finally. two years since we have been on our own.  in all of my life since i got married those many years ago, it has taken that long to finally be home.  to finally exhale.  and be still.  at home.  calm.  just doing what there is to do.
the relief of this living.  of making mistakes and trying again.  of praying for comfort.  of receiving.  of knowing that all is well.
with hope and a prayer many things come to be.
most things.
thank you god.

create. joy.

joy is a promise.  but it's something that i have to create.  have to choose.  have to see.  have to sense.  have to give.  have to acknowledge.  joy.
it lives.  breathes.  it enlivens.
but it has to be created.
or maybe it's the environment that has to be created in order to accept the gift.
all i know is that it's satisfying.
like a journey looking for treasure.
for gold.
you might only find dust.
or flakes.
or nuggets.
or you might find a huge vein.
but from the smallest amount
to the mother lode,
it brings exhilaration.
satisfaction.
and it keeps you hunting for more.
i am a joy creator.
for me.
for mine.
for others.
my purpose.
bring it.
give it.
revel in it.
and eventually, i want those things to be true ALL of the time.
but for now, i do it as much as i can.
learning.
creating.
choosing.
making it a habit.
come along with me.
it's worth it.
blessings.

o.m.g. seriously.

some people are joy suckers.  if there is any joy to be found, they have to "temper" it with bad news or some kind of harsh reality....be it real or not.
i am finding a struggle  at work.  i think that i am past the point in my life of wanting to keep everyone lifted up when they want to be downers.  i love encouraging.  i love being happy.  i am sad that so many seem to crush that spirit in my daily life.
i am worn out today.  it was an emotional upheaval to deal with work mates that refuse to let go and actually allow children to enjoy a celebration.  it's killing me.
so, i look at job possibilities.
i am dedicated.
committed.
but i will not sentence myself to a negative environment.
did that in marriage.
no more.
have to choose.
blessings.

there comes a time

tonight i realized that the happier i am, the happier i am.  deep, huh?  seriously, the happier i choose to be, then the happier i am about things, in situations...just happy.  i love the feel of it.  like comfy clothes.  it doesn't chafe or wear.  it's not trying hard.  it's simply choosing.  be happy.  now.  in this moment.  even if....i'm hurting.  or weary.  or overwhelmed.  or feeling stupid.
be.  happy.
what would i do if i WAS happy?
do that.
and strangely.  slowly.  happy becomes a lifestyle.
stand up a little taller.
choose to have a spring in my step.
sing silly songs.
loudly.
speak blessings.
be completely silly.
laugh.
joke.
hug.
choose a life of happy.
moments.
that make a life.
there comes a time when it's simply up to me.
how do i choose to live?
nobody to blame.
nobody to make the decision for me.
what i do.
how i act.
what i become.
how i get there.
how i treat others.
it's completely up to me.
my past doesn't define it.
other's opinions don't either.
and i choose happy.
because it's amazing.
and if i create it within me.
then.
well, then
i have this vision
that maybe i can share it around
little notes
encouragement
moments of laughter.
silly with others
saying the good
and maybe it will spark their happy too.
maybe.
because there comes a time when i have to own teh fact that
i have purposes in this world
and i know that one of them is to lift others up.
so i gotta choose for me first
have to give myself the benefit first.
then, WATCH OUT WORLD.
because
i think
the time
has
come.
blessings.

flat on my back

sometimes my best days, my best accomplishments occur when i'm flat on my back.  tired.  exhausted. sick.  yep.  woke up at 330 this morning with a tummy full of trouble, a head busting and a body shaking.  i've been in bed most of the day.  sleeping.  dozing.  wishing for some soup.  too sick to want to stand up and make it.  i ate some ice cream for my throat.  haven't taken any tylenol. just mostly waiting it out.  reading.  sleeping.  watching.  coughing.  hurting.  and yet.  i've learned something along the way that has changed me.  growth comes on good days, but more growth comes on hard days. and letting myself embrace how it is and resting without fretting is a great option.
yesterday was a fabulous day. a much needed heart filling day. but today is hard.  and it kicks me sometimes when i realize how alone i am when i'm sick.
but....i have time to rest.  and that's good enough.  i'll just enjoy the growing.  the peace.  i'll just rest.  again. :)
blessings.