dreams....the terrible kind

ever so often...though it's rare now....i am visited by those dreams that plagued me for so long when i was married and thereafter.
last night's dream involved people talking about something i had done....i can't remember what the great offense was, and it wasn't the point ........they were talking about my wrongdoing, my ex was standing and nodding his head in assent.  i was being hung out to dry.  and yet, the thing that they were talking about was something that i knew for a fact that he had done.  the clincher?  i had lost my voice.  i was paralyzed in place.  i couldn't speak.  i couldn't write.  i couldn't tell them the truth.  his mom was there.  his family.  the church.
yes, i lost my voice.  and while i have regained it to a point, i know that the idea of graduation and having them talking about me again..in my sight...is hard.  it makes me feel helpless.  at least...at a subconscious level.  it steals my power.  my courage.  my voice.  my joy.
but only if i allow it to be so.
i cannot wish them silent.  i cannot explain in a way that they will agree.  i've tried.  i am not heard.  so, what can i do?  for, i have come to know that i am not powerless.  i can pray.  i can stand.  i can face it with courage.  and if it becomes too much, i can ask for help.  i can remember that i'm happy to not be living with that sickness anymore. i can be full of joy and peace and kindness.  i can realize that i'm stressed and take more care of me.  rest.  food.  alone time.  friend time.  and maybe at some point i will have to speak.  maybe it will even create a problem.  and if that time comes, i can just trust that god will give me the words when it's time.
but the dream.  hate it.  wake up trembly with residue of dried tears in my eyes and on my face.  weak.  cold.  exhausted.
but...i'm glad for it.  because now i know how to arm myself.  i know how i am really feeling.  i know where my fears are.  i know how to combat them.
onward.
blessings this sunday to you!