quiet

sometimes, i just need quiet.  i don't mean that i just want it...i mean NEED.  for years, i gave it up.  i was guilted and pushed to meet needs.  to be with everyone all of the time.  for years.  no wonder i nearly didn't survive.  who i was wasn't honored.  the boundaries that i need for survival were trampled.
and i have had to learn how to live as i need in the now.  slowly.  learning.
at the end of a week, i need time when my kids don't need me.  it's not that i don't love them.  it's not that i don't enjoy our time.  it's that i have to refuel.  i find myself cleaning/organizing in my room.  or spending time in my bed on saturdays.
and i have suffered guilt and shame from doing so.
until i began to remind myself that i'm doing it for all of us.
when i'm healthy, our family is healthy.
so, today is a putter for me day.  minimal interaction.
breathing.
watching hgtv.
enjoying.
resting.
i need quiet in the world.  time with my brain.  to think.
to write. to dream.
then i can live in the world all of the rest of the time.
breath.  deep breath.
i am learning.